International Students - targets for bullies and sexual predators.

International students can have an extremely difficult time when studying overseas. There are often issues of painful, sometimes debilitating homesickness, insecurity, confusion and loss.

They can feel resented by the local students and may in turn feel resentful. There are challenges in understanding the nuances of lectures presented in rapid-fire English, and local idiom can be a minefield for those who learnt a very formal version of The Queen’s English. There can be difficulties finding part time work and not understanding the local culture, businesses and expectations.

In their home country, the international student can be confident, capable and resilient.  Navigating and adapting to new experiences and cultural mores without the support of their family and friends can result in the student feeling overwhelmed. The initial excitement and anticipation of studying overseas can develop into realising they need extra support.

In comparison, local students can appear confident with their studies and quite relaxed with members of staff. There may be an appearance of easy informality which is at odds with the respect and compliance towards authority figures at home. Apparently casual relationships at work or at their college can make it difficult for the international student to be alert to, and aware of, inappropriate behaviour by a more powerful person.

These challenges can result in some students being vulnerable to being targeted by various types of bullies, but particularly by sexual predators. The student is confused, lost and alone, and a kind, understanding person who appears to be offering support, local knowledge, warmth, friendship and help seems very welcome. 

The goal of sexual predators is to gain the trust of their target in very gradual, apparently safe and inoffensive stages. Every move the predator initially makes may appear normal, but is in fact calculated so that the target becomes increasingly trusting, familiar, comfortable and reliant on the person. If you express doubts or concerns these will be dismissed as worrying too much, being silly, or an over-reaction. Early meetings are designed to calm and allay any suspicion of inappropriate behaviour, but in reality the predator's goal is to manipulate and control.

Signs of inappropriate behaviour
A student or employee shouldn’t meet their manager, teacher or lecturer on the weekend. When you’re lonely, the attraction of going out with someone who “knows the ropes” and offers to take you for coffee and perhaps to an art show could be attractive, however the blurring of boundaries between professional and private life should always be discouraged.

I’ll repeat that, because it’s so important. It is never acceptable for a lecturer, teacher, counsellor or boss to invite you out. There may be meetings where the whole class or team is involved, that's fine. One on one? Never. Interactions between the authority figure and student should always be strictly professional and formal.  

Employees of an organisation should never give you their private business card or encourage you to contact them after hours. There are accepted professional boundaries which have been established for everyone’s safety. Advertising a private business on company time is not allowed. A reputable employee won’t do this.

A teacher or manager shouldn’t touch you and will appologise if this happens unintentionally. There should be professional physical and emotional distance between a person in authority such as teacher and student, or manager and employee.

If you happen to be looking at detailed information on a computer screen this will be arranged so you’re not physically touching. Your knees and hands won’t touch, “accidentally on purpose” and if they do, you won’t be made to feel foolish for complaining or drawing attention to the fact that this is not appropriate. It’s not to be expected, it’s not acceptable and any concern you express should be respected.

If you feel uncomfortable, your discomfort should be taken seriously. You shouldn’t be told you’ve mistaken the intention or have your unease minimised or dismissed. You shouldn't be made to feel confused or be blamed for feeling uncomfortable.  

In an appropriate professional relationship, sexual comments won’t be made, photos of a sexual nature won’t be shown or referred to and there should be no suggestion of being involved in spending time viewing nude art even if that includes attending a reputable art gallery. If this has happened to you, let someone know, perhaps a teacher or co-worker. To clarify, if you’re enrolled in an art class, and the entire group attends an art show as an integral part of the course, that’s acceptable. Being alone with a person in authority or even with one other person in an out of hours situation; no. 

Inappropriate sexual behaviour of this nature is against organisational rules of conduct, and is illegal. Doctors and psychologists can be de-registered if found guilty of misconduct of this nature.

Unfortunately, some counsellors and career counsellors aren't formally registered and choose to disregard accepted standards of professional conduct. 

When you’re lonely and far from home, when you’re unsure of the roles and expectations in your new environment and are comforted by a smiling, reassuring, confident person who makes you feel special, who knows some of your personal details and who offers support and friendship such as coffee and an outing, or visits to shows where there may be nudity, be very wary and concerned. If it appears too good to be true, it probably is too good to be true, and down the line, there could be a distressing cost. 

Sexual predators make friends with people who feel vulnerable, and who don't have a strong support network.  They'll begin by nurturing a relationship which will feel good, reassuring and safe.  Unlike a genuine friendship, the relationship with a predator will slowly change.  You'll start to feel uncomfortable when exposed to inappropriate material and suggestions, and you'll begin to feel emotionally manipulated although his explanations may still appear innocent and plausible. Eventually, there may be overt or subtle blackmail, and your emotions won’t be respected when you try to assert yourself. 

When the boundaries between professional and private life have been blurred by the dominant person, you are unlikely to  have the skills to deal with the experience alone especially if the person is a serial predator. The predator will try to normalise the behaviour and allay your concerns, however there is no excuse for unprofessional conduct and the sooner you seek help, the better.

If you're concerned that you may be the target of a sexual predator at work, at your place of worship or where you're studying, seek help. Talk to other students, teachers, the student union. A discussion with your doctor or a private counsellor who has experience in these issues will be confidential, and there is no shame in seeking help.  Your experiences should be validated and you won't be blamed for what has happened. In many cases, the sexual predator will have a history of similar complaints, possibly going back many years.

The counsellor will give you skills in how to manage the situation and offer ongoing support. If there have been other complaints about a particular person in the organisation, you may be asked for a statement to add to a file of evidence. The best way for these predators to be stopped is to gather evidence from those who've been preyed on. When you talk to someone in authority the pattern of behaviour can be identified over time and action can be taken.

You can feel overwhelmed, alone and crushed by the experience of being targeted by a sexual predator. Seeking help from someone experienced in the area is vital.

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David Yamada, who presents excellent information about workplace bullying over at Minding the Workplace, has posted about bullying and sexual harassment of students and cites a study about this resulting in increased alcohol consumption.

There's a bit more on the patterns investigators into bullying and harassment look for here: http://traverselife.blogspot.com.au/2011/04/y-you-can-do-something-if-youre-being.html

Other reasons you might be a target:
http://traverselife.blogspot.com.au/2011/04/w-why-me-personal-and-professional.html.

The serial bully: http://traverselife.blogspot.com.au/2011/04/u-underestimate-unrelenting-workplace.html

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Posted by Sue Travers

Book review: “Working with Bitches: Identify the Eight Types of Office Mean Girls and Rise Above Workplace Nastiness” by Meredith Fuller

US edition available 2013!

If you've never worked with a bitch, it's hard to understand the anguish it can bring day after long day, week after long week. It's almost impossible to imagine the impact it can have on every aspect of your life; sleeping can be disrupted while you churn over the day, eating can be problematic and leisure time eroded with the ongoing distress of belittling, malicious and downright nasty behaviour. Frustration, self doubt, anger, confusion and exhaustion are words commonly used to attempt to describe the experience. "Working with Bitches" isn't a pop psychology book. It's solidly grounded in theory, knowledge and the experience of working with a diverse range of clients over many years. Meredith Fuller is a loved and respected Melbourne psychologist who interviewed a wide range of women for the stories selected, to shed light on different kinds of bitchy behaviour. The stories give a sense of the personal challenges many women face in working with bitches. They are a glimpse into a wide range of unhealthy workplace dynamics - some are harrowing and you wonder how anyone gets away with such appalling behaviour. All the stories are very readable, and I found myself identifying behaviours I'd seen in different workplaces in a new and helpful way. Not only are the behaviours named and clearly identified, but the possible effect of the behaviour on the target is outlined, along with an explanation of why the bitch may behave in a particular way. Equally helpful are realistic suggestions for dealing with the challenging boss or co-worker and practical strategies are presented in a series of 'what to do' lists. Throughout the book are reminders that not all nasty, mean behaviour is bitchy, even though it may appear that way. There could well be other causes, and in addition there may be a need at some stage for deep self reflection as well. The second part of the book delves more deeply into psychological issues and I found I needed to concentrate more carefully. The possible role of fear and archetypes are discussed as well as different communication styles: for instance a preference for either using the head (Thinking) or heart (Feeling) can lead to difficulty with communication. Age related issues are also discussed, with the possibility for difference and misunderstandings explained helpfully. Whilst "Working with Bitches" has been written by a woman, for women who are working with bitches, I'll certainly buy a copy for my son. I believe it'll give him an insight into behaviours that may otherwise have been perplexing or even have gone unnoticed. The sections on communication styles, learning to say no, managing workplace stress, and strategies for deciding whether to stay or leave an unsatisfactory workplace are equally as relevant to him and other men as they are to women in the workforce. Disclaimer: Meredith Fuller was one of my psychology lecturers when I was at college some 25+ years ago. She was inspirational, enthusiastic and knowledgeable. We came into contact again a couple of years back when we were facilitating Myers Briggs Type Inventory (MBTI) workshops with university students. Meredith has included some of my workplace experiences in the book, however I receive no freebies or financial gain from book sales.  My personal interest in, and professional experience of supporting targets of workplace bullying and bitchiness goes back many years.  I am pleased to celebrate Meredith Fuller's hard work and enthusiasm which have led to the publication of this excellent, helpful and readable book. .

Z. An A-Z of Workplace bullying- An Incomplete Journey

The areas of Workplace Bullying I've touched on over the past month for the 2011 A-Z April Blogging Challenge hosted by Arlee Bird over at Tossing it Out  include:

A      Angst & Anguish
B      Bullying behaviour - how to recognise it
C      The Courage it takes to stand up to a bully and the Climate in which bullies operate
D      Danger, Depression and Doctors
E       Ethical behaviour
F       Friends, and how important they are to support the bullied person
G      Guilt. The target may feel guilty for being 'weak'
H      Harassment and Health
I        International students and others
J        Journal - The importance of keeping a Journal
K      Known causes of bullying
L       Lies - bullies tell lots of these
M      Mind, Mates & Movement
N      Nurses and other Nice people
O      Obstructive and Outrageous behaviour
P      PTSD. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Q      The Qualities we instill in our children
R      The Responsibility to tackle bullying
S       Sociopaths and Serial Bullies
T       Targets and Teachers
U      Underestimate and Unrelenting
V      Vulnerable - the vulnerabilities a bully looks for
W     Why Me? The personal and professional characteristics that make you attractive to a serial bully.
X      The X factor - why some people act with integrity and others go to ground.
Y      You can do something if you're being bullied.
Z       The A-Z of Workplace bullying. The A-Z April Blogging Challenge, 2011.

The focus of these posts was the serial bully in the workplace, however much of the information may be relevant other types of bullying, including:

• abusive, manipulative and violent partners and family members
• abusers of those in care
• bullying neighbours, landlords, authorities
• cruelty to animals
• cult leaders
• child bullies who will evolve into adult bullies
• paedophiles
• racial abusers
• sexual abusers, rapists
• violent offenders
• ...
• ...

Some reflections on the A-Z Challenge
There's so much I haven't touched on, including bullying between tribal or clan groups as we're seeing in the Middle East and human rights abuses throughout the world: Australia, America, Canada, China, Africa, India, we all do it. As societies, we treat people who have different beliefs as lesser human beings. (Think health care reform, religious intolerance, and rational climate discussion in the US and other countries.)

I haven't even touched on how countries such as Australia shamefully bully detainees - those people who used to be called displaced persons after the Second World War. Back then were often greeted with compassion and acknowledgement of the horrific experiences they'd survived, but nowadays similar people are incarcerated behind barbed wire for years as if they're criminals. I haven't looked at bullying between countries for scarce and dwindling natural resources. It's just too big.

Bullying is a huge topic, overwhelming in it's prevalence and complexity through all segments of society in Australia and other countries.

East Side Gallery. Berlin. 2009.

If I've raised awareness, and helped someone, somewhere, then it's been worthwhile. I'd love to hear from you if something in these posts has supported or encouraged you or someone you know. If there are factual errors, let me know and I'll amend them.

Making Australia Happy was a short TV series which involved reputable health care professionals. The idea was to invite some very unhappy people to follow specific interventions (nothing weird or outlandish) to see if their happiness levels could be improved. Their Happiness Index was measured before, during and after the interventions. It's well worth looking at.  This link to the show includes a further link to the Australian Happiness Index.


How these posts came about
These posts are by no means an exhaustive coverage of Workplace Bullying. I had anticipated writing entertaining Drabbles for the challenge over at jumpingaground, but on March 31st (ie the day before the challenge began) suddenly thought I might be able to do an additional A-Z blogging challenge looking at Workplace Bullying here at traverselife. It wasn't anything I'd consciously planned ahead, although I do have some professional and personal experience.  


The posts were never intended to be academic in tone, but very user friendly with pictures complimenting the words. Each post took many many hours of writing and editing, trying to make them as accessible as possible, but even so I'm well aware many need extensive re-editing. However, I've done it! I doubt I'd have tackled such a big topic if it hadn't been for this challenge and my last minute decision to be involved. 

The Photos
Many of the photos I've used were taken at The East Side Gallery in Berlin in November 2009 as well as around that city. I happened to be in Berlin for the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall and spent hours wandering along, jaw dropped in awe at the extensive, edgy, confronting and fantastic art at the East Side Gallery.  


The idea of the gallery was that it would be an international wall for freedom and encourage discussion about walls and borders.  It's a short section of the Berlin Wall that has been retained and is used as a huge outdoor art gallery, it extends for around 1 kilometre. The art is simply amazing, with artists coming from around the world to contribute. For some of the history of the East Side Gallery see here. Workplace bullying seems to me to be a variation on the theme of walls, borders and obstructions.  

I hope to focus on the healing journey after being bullied and finish with this joyous painting by Terry Denton.

from Terry Denton's book Flying Man.
Terry's TV series "Gasp" has been nominated for an
ANNECY award in France as Best TV series. Good luck Terry! 

There are many outstanding resources on line. A couple I find useful are Bullying. No way! an Australian resource for teachers and students, and a UK site Bully On Line. The FB group eBossWatch is well worth a visit for links to current articles. David Yamada writes excellent posts over at Minding the Workplace and his blog is well worth keeping an eye on.


This is in no way an exhaustive list, and each country will no doubt have equally good or more relevant websites. If you're being bullied please seek advice from a professional health care practitioner experienced in this area.

I'm going to take a break from blogging here for a while after Monday's review, though I'll possibly post some more lighthearted words and photos over at jumping aground. I'll be back with my haphazard non scheduled posts when my brain has recovered. I hope to see those who've become Valued Visitors as well as many of you who've dropped by without commenting. I'll probably focus on assertiveness and healing but if anyone has some ideas, please let me know - no promises, but input is welcome.
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