Strong women as role models.

Below is a 3 minute film about Alex Nissen, a woman I worked with a few years ago.  It was the first time I'd worked with a group of strong, socially active, vocal women (and one wonderful man) and it was an eye-opener. 

In the world I was raised in, in the 50's and 60's, women weren't argumentative, didn't challenge the system, and didn't speak out openly about inequity or injustice. They certainly did good works, cared for the sick, disadvantaged and elderly and made new migrants welcome, but it was a quiet, more submissive, deferring to authority kind of goodness. And there was no way they'd challenge injustices in society.

The professionals I was now working with, in particular Alex and Deborah, with minds strong as steel traps, confronted and challenged statements and opinions respectfully and honestly. There was no psychological game playing, no power plays or one-up-manship, which was extremely refreshing in comparison to other areas of my work life. 

At first I found it confronting  to watch and listen to people challenging each other, criticising, objecting, disagreeing. In the world I'd grown up and worked in, anger and associated emotions were hidden, denied, something to be ashamed of and they certainly weren't expressed cleanly or openly by either men or women. Expressions of anger and disagreement were met with disapproval, the cold shoulder and sulking. Conflict of any sort was studiously avoided. 

I'd never imagined a world like this - strong, vocal, assertive, secure women, speaking knowledgeably and confidently and it was like a breath of fresh air and I soaked it up, looking forward to spending time with the feisty group each week. 

By their choices and actions, Alex and Deborah showed not just me, but those with whom they came in contact with, that it's possible to live by deeply held values on a day to day basis. It might not be easy, it might not always be enjoyable but it's empowering.

One side of Alex which isn't highlighted in the video is her wonderful, warm, quirky sense of humour. 

One day, after yet again being unable to remember the complex (some people might disagree!) infuriating passcode on the security door, Alex smiled cheekily, took me by the hand, led me to the door and made up a little story and song about the number sequence. 

She had me in tears of (possibly quite loud) laughter as she bounced my fingers over the correct sequence time and time again singing the jaunty song until the numbers stuck! I'm sure passers by were bemused at the sight of two grown women singing at a security pad, but Alex made the lesson fun, and I remembered! What a skill!

Watching the video of Alex reminded me yet again of the importance and power of reflecting on values, clarifying them for you as an individual, then making daily choices which support them. 

And to that end when faced with a decision which needs to be made, you can ask yourself: 

Will this decision support my values or those of someone else?

Is this taking me closer to what I value or not?

and

Are the choices I'm making today leading me to where I want to be tomorrow?

Street performers - sometimes creepy, always entertaining!

Have you heard the expression

"The job was handed to him on a plate"?

This probably wasn't what you were thinking of ...

photo credit: D.Watson

or perhaps the performer had received advice on

"How to get ahead in your career"!

photo credit D.Watson

Are you talking about me behind my back?

photo credit: D.Watson

Various careers require excellent balance and poise, though some might say of this man -

"He was sitting down on the job"

Bad puns I know, but street performers seem to bring that out in me ;-)

Seriously though, these artists are worth their weight in gold (oh dear there's another one) and I have huge admiration for them; I also thoroughly enjoy watching the audience discussing the show and trying to work out how it's done.

The performer above not only managed to hold the pose, and cross and uncross his legs, but maintained his composure when one woman practically crawled under him to look up at his bottom to see how he was "magically" sitting in thin air!

A tiny stage, some props and confidence
-  almost all you need to begin!

These modern day performers providing walk-by entertainment are following in the footsteps of an age old form of employment and although the costumes and makeup might be different from what was seen hundreds of years ago, they still need to pull an audience and encourage them to give money, to enable them to make a living.

A fine Jazz group on the Charles Bridge in Prague are not only performing, but selling CDs to an appreciative audience.

A delightfully random piano recital at a railway station ...

Prague.

This gentleman's kit included a quality sound system but unfortunately there were very few passers-by when I saw him.

Ulm. Germany

All jobs have their particular challenges and street performers are no exception. I found myself wondering how a job advertisement for a mime artist would be worded:

The position

This free-lancing job provides a daily adrenaline rush, inconsistent hours and unpredictable income. You'll be your own boss and must have good planning and financial management to sustain you during the lean times. There is the potential to be 'discovered' and take the world by storm. Would suit a person who thrives on unpredictability, works well alone and has the ability to think on their feet.

Key selection criteria

• Excellent body control
• The ability to remain motionless for extended periods of time
• Proven ability to engage the attention of a distractible, fickle audience
• The ability to engage people of different ages and nationalities and encourage them to part with money, using only gestures and facial expression - ie outstanding non-verbal skills
• Enjoy working at different ourdoor locations (known as a pitch) and able to assess pedestrian traffic to gain maximum exposure with as few other distractions as possible
• Desire to work in varied and changeable weather conditions
• Have a repertoire of poses to deflect hecklers and those determined to get a reaction
• Self belief and confidence
• Skills with make up and costume design
• A willing accomplice to assist with the set up and dismantling of the equipment
• Be prepared to put in a lot of time "out of hours" to fine tune the act
• 
  
• ... and most of all, excellent bladder control is vital or you'll be scampering in a most un-angel-like way, down from your pedestal, intent on finding a suitable location to find 'relief'.

More information for those wanting to enter the profession: 

http://www.wikihow.com/Make-Money-Busking-(Street-Performing)

http://www.myjobsearch.com/careers/street-performer.html

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Redundancy hurts

I’ve heard some fabulous stories about people who’ve been made redundant: The vision of an older man, skipping between desks while stressed workmates hunch over mounds of paperwork, shouting “Yes! I’m leaving! I’m out of here!” is one I won’t forget in a while!

For many people, however, the reality of redundancy is very different.

Teachers and academics who have loved their workplace and invested years of time and energy to improving outcomes for students, and who are living through the erosion of a once proud institution, suffer.

The pain of redundancy applies equally to many other career people who’ve dedicated their lives to a particular sector, whether they be health care or emergency workers, government employees, or blokes in the steel or motor industries.

They’ve often seen the writing on the wall, and are aware that things are changing, long before jobs begin to go in a structured formal way. Budget cuts, departments being amalgamated, a sense that the story isn’t being told in an open and honest way, create a sense of unease that is hard to shake.

There can be a deep sorrow for the loss of all you’ve worked for, which can’t be eradicated by being told to “look for another job”. This hasn’t been just a job. It’s been a career, an integral part of your life for years – that isn’t something caring, dedicated employees shake off with a single outplacement session.

Our identities are often shaped around our worklife. Our work leads to getting up at a particular time, our commute, where and with whom we have lunch, what we discuss, argue about; the banter and camarederie. The loss of the familiarity and routine and in particular the loss of colleagues can result in grief. This needs to be acknowledged, not dismissed by the outplacement service provider.

Some employees find that their shaken world view has been ignored or overlooked by outplacement services designed to “Sit them down, tell them what they need to know, check the resume, give some job hunting tips, and get them out ready for the next one.” Whilst that might be satisfactory for some, there are others who exit that type of interview shattered. I’ve seen tough blokes, as well as strong women, desolate and weeping after such an experience. This type of interview is nothing like an in-depth career counselling session and it would be better for all if it wasn't presented as such.

The sterile interview experienced by too many redundant workers, is functional, regimented, routine and leaves them without hope, feeling that somehow they are to blame for not being ready to move on immediately.

When there’s significant change, we can experience confusion about our role and identity. Self-esteem can be deeply shaken. Questions emerge which may never have been thought about before: Who will I become? What is important? Who do I want to be? What do I value? How do I want to contribute in the future?

“Sometimes our history limits our imaginations”. 
We may need help to see opportunities, rather than believing that what we’ve worked at, is all we can ever do. Not everyone has the luxury to take time off to ponder these issues. However putting aside time to let your brain go into free fall without pressuring yourself with “I have to decide by…” or “I’ve got to start applying for new jobs immediately”, “I’m only trained to do this, I can’t do anything else” can allow you to be open to unexpected, interesting and new ways of thinking about the issue.

It really is time well spent.

..........
If you or someone you know has come out of an outplacement interview which has been less than satisfactory, please encourage them to seek assistance and support elsewhere - not all services are the same. If the service is provided by the exiting company, please let HR know it wasn't suitable. They're paying good money for these services, and our employees who are being made redundant deserve an appropriate level of support. Feeling shattered, useless and unheard should not be part of the deal.

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Learning difficulties in adults.

This is a re-write of a post from 2010.

I often think about all the inspiring, creative, intelligent and above all courageous people I've had the privilege of working with over the years.

There were the street kids, with drug and alcohol issues, the kids and adults with learning difficulties, the kids (now men and women with their own children) who'd been expelled from school the instant schools could get rid of them, and who were returning to study, absolutely terrified of suffering in the system again, the mums returning to study after being at home for years and feeling they'd lost their inner being - didn't know who they were any more, the young teenage mums unsure about how they'd be accepted.  Successful men who felt like failures.

I'm going to share the story about my involvement with Ricky, who has given me permission to use his real name. I wish I had a 'before' and 'after' picture of him to share. You'll see why soon.

Ricky consulted me in my role as study skills teacher at a post secondary college, located in the city of Dandenong which has a mix of over 150 different nationalities, many of them refugees proudly wearing their traditional dress around campus. He'd been advised to seek help as he was struggling hopelessly with the written aspects of the course he'd hesitantly enrolled in to improve his job prospects. 

Facing his fears
I'm not a particularly threatening looking person, I'm short and have been described as approachable, warm and "motherly". But Ricky was terrified. Terrified of me, terrified of the situation he'd got himself into, terrified I'd laugh at him and his difficulties. Terrified of being in such a foreign environment - in a library in an educational facility. But he came along anyway. Courage? You bet!

I've never seen anyone shaking with fear before, but shake Ricky did. It was clearly visible from a distance. I'm sure if he'd been a bony kind of person I'd have heard them clattering.

Why was Ricky in such a state? Here was a mature man, lovingly married, deeply involved in his church, steadily employed, kind and compassionate. Over the few months we worked together he shared some of his story.

He was "a failure", "hopeless", "useless", "a loser". He'd been told from a very young age that he'd never make anything of himself. These words were used on a little kid by both his parents and teachers.

Who says "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me?" Wrong, wrong, wrong. Cruel words, vicious words, undermining words, can affect people for life, can suck hope from them for ever. Words are powerful, and need to be used with respect for the power they have.

"When did you get lost?"
I asked him when he'd begun losing his way at school. It's a question I often ask, and regularly the answer is grade one or two.

"Grade one" was Ricky's answer.

Can you imagine what that's like? Not understanding what's going on in class, seeing your mates doing things you can't, being bewildered, confused, perplexed, week after week, month after month, year after seemingly endless year. Constantly feeling stupid and ashamed when you find the courage to ask, yet again, if the teacher could please repeat an instruction or explanation. Heaven help the child with an irritable, impatient teacher - they naturally give up asking for help. No wonder these kids feel like failures. 

So there I was with Ricky in that first session. His first 'confession' - "I've never been in a library" (apart from walking through one to meet with me). "Easy peasy" I say, "let's discover this one now!" And so it went from there, exploring, discovering, celebrating. It was exciting!

And as happens when working with an enthusiastic student, the learning went both ways. I was humbled by his tenacity, in awe of his dedication to learning, and grateful that we'd been assigned to each other. In short, I was privileged to have met and worked with such a student.

Oh, and you may ask: if Ricky was such a good student, why hadn't he managed at school?

Learning difficulties
Ricky had an undiagnosed learning difficulty. He has an unusual hearing loss, he's not deaf as such, but hears sounds differently (auditory processing disorder or APD). In addition, he is dyslexic. He wasn't (and isn't) dumb. He just couldn't follow what was happening in class the same way as other kids - he needed a different teaching style.

And the before and after picture? From a quivering mess on that first meeting to our final session; confident, assured, walking tall, and proud of his ability to present a report for his course and workplace.

Ricky was a man with courage to face his worst fears and overcome them. There are many other Ricky's out there, men and women whose lives can be turned around, who feel like failures and discover they aren't. The discovery that they can learn and be productive members of society affects their immediate families and can change the course of their family history. The debilitating and costly affects of stress and depression can be offset as these students realise their worth.  Our communities benefit, as does our society as a whole. It's a small investment with a massive payoff.

Update
This is one of the outstanding programmes which I'm told will be severely curtailed due to the vicious funding cuts to the TAFE sector by the Victorian Baillieu government. For less than $2000 (the approximate cost of my sessional work with Ricky) a student who had low self esteem, had no idea how to write a report and little possibility of advancing in his workplace was transformed to a confident, able and desirable employee. It's not that I was brilliant, I'm not.

It's simply taking time and working from where the student is and translating knowledge into a form that they understand. It's being a mediator, a gate opener. It's being caring, respectful and trusting in their ability to learn.

People who are at the bottom of the ladder, who have challenges that often simply require one on one assistance for a few hours a week for a couple of months to achieve remarkable success, are again relegated to the scrap heap in the name of cost cutting and efficiency.

The doors are firmly closing on many people, and education seems to be increasingly only for those with the understanding of how to access it, and the financial ability to afford the steeply rising fees.

This destruction is being carefully packaged and slickly presented in the name of progress. And the people of Victoria are meant to go along with the pretence that the removal of courses and services is an improvement.

Are there adults in your life with leaning difficulties? How do they manage? Were they supported adequately at school, at work?

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How to fail an exam. Success (almost) guaranteed!

I love presenting workshops on exam technique to adults. It’s immensely satisfying to explain the "magic" that helps some students sail through exams with flying colours. These are techniques that my adult students can easily adopt to help them succeed.

Adults returning to study often share how, at school, after failing an exam dismally, they put a brave face on, pretended to be cool and not to care. But in the safety of our classes they often open up. Some still burn with the shame of failure and occasionally break down in tears reliving the humiliation of their school days and failing exams.

When students are fearful, they don’t learn or remember easily. They clamp up - not a good start when going into an exam.

There’s often be a collective wail of despair when exam time comes around: “But I don’t know how to study. I don’t know how to answer the questions. I hate exams. I can’t do it.” 

In an effort to break the ice and have a laugh, I ask in all seriousness if anyone knows how to fail an exam. The looks say it all – “Oh crap, she’s lost the plot entirely, what do we do now?”

But of course they know how to fail an exam! They’ve done it often enough to be very familiar with the skills required. And the logic goes, if they know how to fail an exam, they also know the basics of how to pass – start by doing the opposite.

By working from the negative, it proves to each of them that they already know how to study! This lighthearted technique gets them to think about the problem differently, opens them up to another way of looking at the issue.

They already know what to do! Now all that remains is to choose which of the (opposite) actions they can incorporate into their lives with as little pain as possible.

This following is a somewhat tongue in cheek list, but still relevant with so many students working towards final year exams.

So, in a spirit of caring and sharing, during what is a very stressful time for many students, parents, caregivers and teachers, I present for your amusement:

How to fail an Exam:

Before:

• Attend as few classes as possible during the year 
• Sit at the back of the classroom and draw dirty pictures  
• Text friends during class 
• Sigh, moan and daydream 
• Disrupt the class as often as possible and get asked to leave 
• Don’t study - in any way shape or form - ever 
• Complain loud and often about how you’ll fail - negative self talk really helps
• Party the night before

During the exam:

• Don’t turn up 
• Cheat 
• Panic 
• Don’t read the question/s 
• Don’t answer the question/s 
• Answer the question with what you want to talk about rather than what is asked 
• In essays, when asked to present a rough outline, ignore the instruction
• Write illegibly (deliberately)
• In multiple-choice questions, tick all the options. Or none. Or scribble some out and circle others so the marker has no idea which is the answer you hope they'll notice

This isn’t an exhaustive list, but covers most of the tried and true methods my students had become expert at.

What else can you add?

Note: Most of my students went on to successfully pass their exams. There was no magic involved. They were interested in the courses, determined, enthusiastic and motivated to prove they could succeed.

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Exams - failure is in the eye of the beholder

What are we doing to our young people going into the exam period?

Too many teachers and parents add pressure by ranting and raving about failure, implying that life isn’t worth living if you don’t pass the final secondary school, or university exams. Tragically, some students take this to heart and choose to end their lives. I can’t begin to express the sorrow and grief I experience every time I hear of a young life lost, particularly at exam time.

I wonder if they felt it was impossible for them to live up the expectations, hopes and dreams of those around them. If they were aware that they hadn't worked as relentlessly and hard as they could and had felt that taking their own life was better than facing the shame of failing an exam. I wonder if they had heard, (hopefully mistakenly) and taken to heart, that to fail an exam equates to being a failure as a human being.

Knowing the remote, but possibly tragic consequences of this extremely limited view of success; why is it that when a young person is coming up to the exams, teachers, parents and the news machines put more and more pressure on them?

From the in your face shouting and barrage of demeaning and demoralizing slurs on character, to outright predictions that “You’ll fail if you keep that up” the pressure is unwarranted and undermining on an often fragile self esteem.

I wonder if anyone involved really believes the students have no idea about the enormity of the perceived importance of the final exams. After all, it's been relentlessly hammered into them for years. "If you think this is hard, just wait till you do your *VCE" and "This is going to be the hardest year of your life".

I’ve chosen the words in the above paragraph carefully … Perceived importance.

Worst-case scenario: The student fails the exam.
Of course teachers may see this as a negative reflection on their teaching ability. The school may see it as a negative reflection on it and the teacher. Their ranking may go down, and they may not be seen as so prestigious. The parent may see it as a negative reflection on their parenting. The student might not get into the course they dreamed of. Their pride may have been dented, but the student never was, and never will be a worthless human because they failed an exam.

The student is NOT a failure; they have failed to answer the questions that were asked on that particular exam on that particular day. This is not a direct reflection on their worth as people. The world does not and will not end. It does not and never will make them bad people, undeserving of respect, tolerance, compassion. It does not mean they won’t go on to live lives that are rich, full and meaningful. It does not mean that they won’t go on to satisfying and successful further study in years to come. It is not a prediction about the rosiness of anyone’s future.

Exam results don't predict life achievements
Failing an exam could mean all sorts of things about the student’s stress levels, study habits, adverse outside influences – all sorts of things, but never is it, nor should it be used as a threat to predict a life that won’t be worth living.

As a teacher or parent, you should never make dire negative predictions about any student’s future – it’s cruelly undermining, often leads to loss of confidence and an inability to perform as well as possible. It rarely encourages a student to work harder and should never be used as a tactic – it’s heartless and vindictive, especially when accompanied with shouted, in your face putdowns.

In addition, no one has that fictitious crystal ball. We don't know. We can't predict the future. We're not seers, soothsayers or psychics. Many inspiring citizens have failed exams and gone on to be publicly revered. Please don't ignore their contribution in the push for impressive exam results.

As a long time teacher, counsellor and facilitator at tertiary institutions I’ve seen the result of undermining, toxic, vicious and cruel comments made by teachers and parents up to thirty and forty years after the event. Comments hissed under the breath, laced with venom, or shouted publicly, openly in front of a class.  Unfortunately many students take to heart and believe what powerful adults tell them. These comments stay with people, creating churning, nagging doubt and too often a profound sense of hopelessness.

Is that what we want for any young person taking their first steps into the adult world?

I’ve worked extensively with competent, yet academically insecure, nervous adults. Wonderful people, contributing generously to their communities, yet their underlying self esteem is in tatters as they’ve suffered at school with a powerful teacher who has glibly, possibly thoughtlessly or flippantly predicted that they won’t amount to anything. The teacher might not even remember, if they do, they might say: "I didn't mean anything by it, they were just words to get them studying harder."

Just words?
Words are powerful tools, used to inspire, encourage and support, but also to control, dominate or insult. "You're hopeless, you won't amount to anything" - what a cruel prediction, surely designed to erode confidence.

I've seen smart students with undiagnosed learning difficulties who, at school, had been publicly ridiculed, shamed, belittled and taunted for being unable to produce a single page of written work. As adults they are desperate to prove that they’re as good as those who can spell accurately and put sentences together easily.

These people are NOT failures. They contribute to the richness of our communities.

They are our families - they are sons and daughters, cousins, aunts and uncles, mums and dads, grandmas and grandpas.

The last exams of secondary school are part of life, one step. One small step in the path of many, many steps. The exams may be important, they may make it easier to gain immediate entry into university. But 'success' as a wholesome, interesting, intelligent, worthwhile human being does not and never will rest on achieving a high grade at the final exams in secondary school (or university for that matter).

What's been your experience with exam pressure?

The following link to youthbeyondblue.com has some excellent fact sheets on depression. Link here. Please seek help if you think you're depressed or need assistance with exam technique.  

If you know anyone who might benefit from this reminder about the place of exams as a predictor of life success, please post the link to FB or share in some way.


thanks

Sue

* VCE/HSC/SACE etc are the final exams at Australian secondary schools. They are scored and used as a basis for entry to many university and tertiary courses.

Graffiti art on the side of a building in Berlin. 2009.

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Law of threes

You know how it is, something happens three times in a short space of time and your ears prick up; the rationale being that the universe is giving you a nudge and here’s something you should take seriously and act on.

But I’m not superstitious (hmmm, maybe just a bit) so perhaps that should be lore of threes?

However, to the point - last week I received:

1. an email from a loved and respected friend suggesting I join Twitter
2. information from a respected blog-buddy sharing information about Twitter as a support for your blog
3. and noticed that a number of non-loopy bloggers who had been sceptical about Twitter have joined and begun tweeting.

Crap. That’s all I need, another distraction.

Tweeting = Fear
So being me, I took notice of the lore of threes, dug out my Twitter account, dusted it off and promptly felt like a right prawn.

I don’t know how to Tweet, I don’t understand the etiquette, the language, the genre (?) in fact I don’t understand much about it at all. And I especially don’t like that prickly, unpleasant out of depth feeling that could be called fear. You know the one, where the tummy harbours energetic butterflies resulting in queasiness, the hands sweat and the brain goes blank. Nope, I don’t like that at all.

Rationality prevailed! (...possibly) This is my standard reaction to being out of my depth. It’ll pass sooner or later - best just to forge ahead.

I haven’t lost my marbles (I hope).
So far, I’m using Twitter as a personal reminder about the importance of regular exercise, general well-being, brain health and connecting with others. But in the spirit of giving this a fair go and not being totally self-centred, I aim to share links to information on bullying, mindfulness, well-being, education and brain health. But then again, that might not happen at all. Maybe I’ll hate it, get bored and give it away as the time waster that I labelled it years ago.

For the moment though, I'm diving into the unknown, full of curiosity.

Getting some exercise and looking for interesting things to share:

Searching, searching:

Ta daaa:

cheers
Sue.

The End Of The World !s Nigh!

Today's post is over at JumpingAground here

Looking for the end of the world. Cape Schanck. Victoria

Recovery from bullying - learning new patterns

If you’re on the healing journey after surviving serial bullying one thing you can be sure of, the road could well be rocky.

You’re possibly feeling vulnerable and nervous about rejoining the workforce. You may be thinking, “If it’s happened before, it can happen again”, you may be annoyed with yourself for being "weak" in not standing up to the bully (there's some information on how we can bully ourselves here), and feel fearful. For some there will have been the workplace bullying AND self bullying – as if one alone wasn’t enough, you’re contending with a double whammy.

Basically you’re a nice person who got stung badly. You’ll remain a nice person but ideally learn a few skills to help prevent it happening again. Your character will remain attractive to the bullies in the world, simply because you have qualities they fear/envy/or whatever their motivation is. (Information about what bullies look for in Why me?)

What I'm offering here is not a one size fits all suggestion, but one tool to add to your toolkit that might be useful in some instances.

One of the things that many people have said to me is that they have an automatic "Yes" that kicks in when they’re being asked to do something at work.

From childhood we’ve been taught to be accommodating, helpful, to defer to those in authority, to be kind and help people out when they ask. We have NOT been taught to be alert for bullying behaviour or even to know what it is.

If you’re unsure what bullying behaviour is, have a look at The Angst and Anguish of workplace bullying (A in the A-Z Challenge) or How to Recognize Bullying Behaviour at Work (B in the A-Z Challenge) It’s good to read widely and be aware of what constitutes bullying.

The following is adapted from a post I wrote back in November last year.

Many of us regularly find ourselves getting overloaded at work and may have fallen into the habit of agreeing to all and sundry requests, even if they go against our better instincts for self-preservation. Sometimes however, the power imbalance between us and the boss is such that we feel pressured into agreeing - it's a subtle kind of bullying, and can have some negative long term ramifications if not nipped in the bud.

One client found herself habitually saying 'yes' to any request her boss put to her, even if it meant missing both morning tea and lunch breaks, and working unpaid overtime and consistent 'graveyard' shifts. Her health was clearly suffering and she was burnt out and miserable by the time she came to me. It had got to the stage where her boss had come to rely on her compliance and the situation needed a gentle shakeup.

Firstly, stop and think.

That's all.

It sounds very simple, but many people find this first step overwhelming. Remember you may have been trained from childhood to be a “nice”, helpful person.  Learning a new pattern of behaviour goes against the grain, and that may bring a sense of discomfort.

Many of us like to feel needed, and being asked to do things can also make us feel important (and there's nothing at all wrong with that - in moderation). In addition, some of us have grown up in cultures that encourage us to put our own needs down, possibly to keep the peace in our family, for religious reasons, and sometimes because one gender is seen to be more powerful (and deserving) than the other.

Some people describe a sinking feeling in the stomach when they pause to assess the situation, and believe they’ll be fired on the spot. It’s ok – pausing may be new and unfamiliar, it gets easier with practice! So, don't be hard on yourself if it's tough to pause before agreeing.

Secondly, ask a few questions. Is it urgent that you drop everything to, for instance, see this client immediately? Will the world fall apart if you use your lunch break to eat and digest your sandwich in peace? Does the patient need urgent assistance that only you can provide causing you to lose your 15 minute afternoon break? Who else is on the scene who could assist?

If you're being asked to take on an additional project unexpectedly it may be appropriate to say "Can I get back to you about that tomorrow morning?" It's a question that comes out as a statement - you may need to rehearse this one.

But please remember, this isn't a 'one size fits all' suggestion, and your response needs to be suitable, thoughtful and respectful, taking into account your personal situation.

Some bosses have developed the knack of catastrophising even the slightest mishap into a drama of world proportions. I worked with a manager like this some years ago, and the department was in a constant state of nervous anticipation waiting for the next 'catastrophe' to fall. It was draining, and led to increased staff 'mental health day' breaks simply to counteract the emotional exhaustion of dealing with the unreasonable and unnecessary demand for immediate action. Need I say, we weren't dealing with life and death situations, but routine, predictable everyday events.

By asking a couple of questions, your boss will quickly see that the pattern is changing. In the best scenarios, this leads to an increased level of professionalism and mutual respect. Interestingly, my clients who've begun using this technique state that their view of themselves begins to change from being a bit of a pushover to more confident and assured. Workplaces haven't fallen into anarchy, and in fact, the workplace culture has often improved.

Thirdly, if the request is reasonable, of course you'll agree graciously. You may choose to drop what you're doing and fulfil the request. In the process however, you'll have regained a sense of control, and a pattern that may have outlived its usefulness will begin to crumble.

If possible, find a trusted person to practice this with. There are times when rehearsing in your head is fine, this isn’t one of them. You need to hear your own voice and find the right words. To begin with, it's awkward and unfamiliar, and hearing yourself saying these new things can be quite unsettling.

There's more on recovering from bullying here.
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Y. You can do something if you're being bullied. Workplace bullying

This post is for Y in the A-Z blogging challenge 2011.


You can do something if you're being bullied:
Read everything available and decide whether you want to
     a) leave quietly
     b) fight
It's a personal decision that only you can make. Discuss your decision with trusted professional/s  (healthcare, union, legal etc) as well as family and friends who you may need to lean on for support for a significant period of time.

Awareness of the insidious nature of bullying is growing, particularly in Australia with some positive changes in legislation happening recently. However, many people would prefer to bury their heads in the sand rather than face the issue proactively.

Pros and cons.

Official complaints
may involve the police

If you leave quietly you may feel guilty for allowing the bully to enjoy finding their next target. After all you're probably one in a long string of people who have suffered. Some people find this intolerable, and will choose to fight. "No one else should have to go through what I've suffered". Others are too worn out, and need to leave for the sake of their family and own health. There is no shame in this and it takes courage too.

If you fight, it can be frustrating, exhausting, demoralising, take a huge toll on your health and the patience of your family and supportive colleagues. It may will take significantly longer than you believed possible to come to a resolution.

The resolution may be unsatisfactory with the bully being paid 'hush money' and go on to work elsewhere and continue their murky nastiness, meanwhile smirking that they have won once again.

You need a strong support network - fighting bullying will take a toll on your health. The bully will be vindictive and do their best to discredit  and distort anything you bring up as evidence.

Your journal (see J) is vital, and you will have (hopefully)  recorded everything in writing, kept copies of emails, text messages and the time, date and place of the undermining comments. You will have also kept copies of the time date etc of any complaints you made, and what was done about these. The bully will generally lie and blatantly deny what you're saying. You need hard evidence and to be able to show a consistent pattern of behaviour.

Good investigators look for patterns.
Remember, for an investigation, it's the number and pattern of repeated comments or actions that are significant and meaningful. You will be called petty and jeered at for your fastidiousness, but it's important to be able to verify the pattern .

You may feel you've been chewed up and spat out.

This information also applies for children suffering with bullies at school, and with school authorities.

It's extremely hard to accept that the person you're dealing with isn't normal. The serial bully doesn't recognise their wrongdoing and will only pay lip-service to making amends. They remain deviousness, ruthlessness, cunning, and deceptive.  Once you accept that the serial bully could be a sociopath or has a disordered personality it becomes easier to keep fastidious records.

It's during the phase of trying to force yourself to believe that this person is a normally functioning adult that it's extremely difficult. Most of us want to accept that our colleagues are good people, and we keep making apologies for unacceptable behaviour, we're happy to accommodate difference, and try to accept that the behaviour may just be temporary or a quirk. However, if you've called the person to account once, explained the behaviour is unacceptable to you, and there has been no consistent shift or change - start keeping records.  The sooner you begin this process, the better.

I'll mention those three things again -

At the first sign of unacceptable behaviour:

     1.  Call the person to account

     2.  Explain that the behaviour is unacceptable 

     3.  If there is no change, start keeping records.

Here tomorrow: The A-Z of bullying - an incomplete journey.

(I can see that there is another whole series of posts to do with confidence and assertiveness. Thankyou to C who mentioned the healing process AFTER serial bullying.  I've begun researching and will come back to that when I've had a break.)

There are many outstanding resources on line. A couple I find useful are Bullying. No way! an Australian resource for teachers and students, and a UK site Bully On Line. eBossWatch on Facebook here regularly posts links to articles and discussions about bullying. A blog post by Andersons Solicitors on bullying from a legal perspective is here. It specifically relates to South Australia, but is well worth reading wherever you are. They are well aware that ignoring workplace bullying is unhelpful and offer some suggestions to assist if you're the target of bullying.


This is in no way an exhaustive list, and each country will no doubt have equally good or more relevant websites. If you're being bullied please seek advice from a professional health care practitioner experienced in this area.

Over at jumpingaground I'm spending the month Drabbling using alliteration.
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V. Vulnerable. Workplace bullying

This post is for the letter V in the A-Z blogging challenge 2011. 

Vulnerable: Exposed to the possibility of being harmed physically or emotionally, susceptible to attack.  The bully will home in on those who they perceive as being vulnerable in some way.

There are many and varied reasons why targets are vulnerable; they may include one or more of the following:

• being alone in the world
• being seen as 'brainy'
• being a caring person
• having caring responsibilities at home, being primary carer
• having a disability or perceived disability
• dressing differently or being unable to afford modern clothing
• choosing not to join in with drinks after work
• strong sense of fair play
• feel guilt quickly
• being scrupulously honest
• suffering an illness, or taking time off to be with an ill family member
• having integrity which you are unwilling to compromise 
• suffering an injury
• having a learning difficulty 
• being unable to change jobs, limited job opportunities, being a specialist
• belonging to a minority group, with a different religion and culture
• having no other means of support
• the need to pay the mortgage
• very reasonable
• being a single parent
• being a student
• being unsure of yourself

Graffiti art on the side of a building in Berlin. 2009.

If you are being targeted by a bully, it's valuable to have a support network who validate your experience and don't brush your concerns aside. Professional people who have expertise in the area, as well as family, friends or colleagues can support you if you choose to stay and fight the bully, or  decide to look for another job. (See Y: You can do something)


Here tomorrow: Why me?


There are many outstanding resources on line. A couple I find useful are Bullying. No way! an Australian resource for teachers and students, and a UK site Bully On Line. The Facebook group eBossWatch here regularly posts articles and links to current issues on bullying. This is in no way an exhaustive list, and each country will no doubt have equally good or more relevant websites. If you're being bullied please seek advice from a professional health care practitioner experienced in this area.

Over at jumpingaground I'm spending the month Drabbling using alliteration, many with an environmental theme.
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S. Sociopaths & serial bullies. Workplace bullying

This is my post for S in the 2011 A-Z blogging challenge. 
Sociopaths
Antisocial personality disorder (ASPD) is the current term used by clinicians to refer to what most of us refer to as sociopaths or psychopaths. The condition is considered in part to be "...a pervasive pattern of disregard for, and violation of the rights of others.”

Some professionals estimate that about 4% of the adult population could exhibit these symptoms. Many never commit crimes, or if they do, they aren’t convicted because of their skill in manipulating superiors and their general deviousness and outstanding ability to lie and twist the truth. Many bullies behave in similar ways to a sociopath.

A sociopath lacks interpersonal, social and empathic skills.  They may be described as being silver tongued; the can learn to talk the talk, but are unable to consistently walk the walk. They will persistently and aggressively deflect attention away from their own failings onto the target/s while appearing to be extremely busy and needed by other departments. (There is a checklist at the bottom of this post.)

Genuine heartfelt empathy is lacking, expressions of remorse, concern or respect are shallow and glib.

Sociopaths learn to reflect traits of empathy,
but the emotion is shallow and fragmented.

Psychopaths 

Whilst the professionals debate the definitions and differences between sociopaths and psychopaths, many non professionals consider that psychopaths are less interested in learning to show compassion and that the sense of feeling inadequate and insecure is lacking. 

Years ago I worked in a teaching facility for difficult teenagers where I heard one boy describe a vicious street fight. He expressed no emotion at all about the victim who was being kicked repeatedly and violently in the head. He described the bloody situation analytically, dispassionately, chillingly, and with apparent pleasure. The other students were very aware that he wasn't like them and were disturbed by his description, even though they were all living with violence themselves. Some were fearful, others wary, but none wanted to be involved with him and his callous coldness.  This behaviour may have been psychopathic (Please note, I am not a clinician and am in no way making a formal assessment).

Serial bullies
As adults, bullies of all kinds are extraordinarily skilled at deflecting questions, comments or concerns away from themselves. To the observer it’s uncanny how smoothly and seamlessly this is done. People describe being stunned at how the bully seems to be able to anticipate and say what is needed in any given situation.

The bully will often protect anyone accused or suspected of sexual abuse and will frustrate or obstruct investigations into that person. Complaints will go unrecorded and uninvestigated. It is extremely difficult when the bully is the person to whom any complaint must pass through, and incredibly frustrating when information about a bully or sexual predator is not passed up line. The bullying supervisor becomes angry when anyone goes above them to report serial abuse. They enjoy the power of being a gatekeeper and use it to their own ends by filtering information coming up and down.

Bullies are very clever at creating conflict between those who would otherwise pool negative information. They like to divide and conquer. Bullying can be a cover for a deep fear of being found out for being incompetent. They hate to be held accountable but may be able to deceive and evade responsibility whilst manipulating co workers into looking foolish. In reality, they have low self esteem and poor interactions with others. If you have high or normal self esteem you have no need to bully.

The serial bully seems to be able to avoid responsibility for their actions
(Photo: Eastside Gallery. Berlin 2009)

Bullies fear exposure of their inadequacy, immaturity and insecurity. They want to dominate or control and have never learnt how to interact with others normally. The manager who is proud of being "tough"  hasn't learnt how to manage maturely and wisely. Some bullies revel in attention seeking behaviour and like to be the centre of attention, they may overdramatise to be noticed and constantly refer to how busy they are - they need to be noticed. Many are emotionally needy, and are unable to act like normal, mature adults.

When recruiting
Employers who are recruiting should always check qualifications and references extremely carefully. Sociopaths, psychopaths and serial bullies are shameless in their ability to lie and deceive to gain a position of trust. Some have been known to recruit allies to pose as respectable and reputable referees by giving misleading information and false names and contact details.

The bully may appear angelic to some
people, but NOT to the target.

Check list
Have any of these terms been used about any of your co-workers?
If so, it's possible they may be a bully.

• callous, cold and calculating, conniving, clever and cunning
• devious, disinterested
• won't negotiate
• ruthless in the extreme
• scumbag
• slime
• snake in the grass
• tough manager in the extreme
• twofaced
• unreliable
• untrustworthy
• wolf in sheep's clothing
• scheming
• obnoxious

This website gives a layman's checklist of qualities to beware of in the sociopath or psychopath.

Do you have any stories to share? 

What words would you add to the checklist?

Here tomorrow: Targets & Teachers



There are many outstanding resources on line. A few I find useful are Bullying. No way! an Australian resource for teachers and students, CASSE and a UK site Bully On Line. This is in no way an exhaustive list, and each country will no doubt have equally good or more relevant websites. If you're being bullied please seek advice from a professional health care practitioner experienced in this area.


Over at jumpingaground I'm spending the month Drabbling using alliteration, often with an environmental theme.
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R. Responsibility. Workplace bullying.

Responsibility
As a society we all have the responsibility to act responsibly, ethically and courageously to spotlight cases of bullying, particularly where the targets are unable, for whatever reason, to speak out for themselves.

Is it easy to report bullying? * No, it takes courage; you may feel out on a limb, extremely insecure and vulnerable.  However, once you become aware of bullying in your workplace, and choose to turn a blind eye, you are in effect condoning the behaviour in the eyes of the bully and helping to perpetuate it.

Some targets of bullying resort to sharing their story with the media. They feel let down by those in power who they should have been able to trust to act. Many are vilified and are further targeted with disciplinary action.

Sometimes the burden of reporting bullying can be very heavy.

Environment

Children growing up in dysfunctional homes (independent of class and status) need particular care and attention, as do their parents. Vilifying and excluding them is not the answer. We train people to drive cars, but anyone can become a parent, no matter how ill equipped.  Many vulnerable families are left on their own after the birth of a baby to sink or swim. Children die; painfully and tragically when their parents are incapable of tending them. Others are scarred for life, emotionally stunted, and never reach their potential.

Midwives discuss their distress when delivering babies they know will be raised in abusive, dysfunctional homes. They are aware of the abused mothers, the alcohol and drug addicted, those with acquired brain injuries and others with low IQ who have little or no reliable support. The importance of a stable, secure upbringing, particularly in the early years has been well documented.

Who takes responsibility?

Responsible schools
Schools can play an important role in counteracting bullying. There is no excuse for schools not to be proactive. All children need to learn to identify bullying, to understand that the behaviour is inappropriate, and learn better ways of behaving, either as an onlooker, bully or target. Every child has the right to learn in a safe environment. Every teacher has the right to teach in a safe environment.

Most bullies can learn to behave appropriately if taught explicitly, supported carefully and supervised kindly, firmly and without condemnation. They need to learn how to take responsibility for their actions, understand there is no excuse for bullying behaviour and crucially, to learn acceptable ways to manage their inappropriate behaviour.

CASSE's (Creating a Safe, Supportive Environment) approach seeks to understand and address the underlying causes of problem behaviours such as bullying and violence. Their aim is to provide safe and supportive environments in schools so that students can grow, play and learn, which will facilitate the formation of resilience and cognitive development. (from their website)

If governments and schools are unwilling to tackle these issues, teachers, parents and the public may need to exert pressure to have effective programmes adopted in all schools. Further information regarding effective school programmes here.

In Victoria this month (April 2011) legislation was announced to provide jail terms of up to 10 years for workplace bullies. Link here. It's a positive step, but there are many more fundamental steps to be taken before everyone is aware that the behaviour is unacceptable.

Information here relating to bullying which has been ignored at school.  

*Some targets of bullying have very good reasons for not reporting the bullying. Every case is different, and each target and onlooker will respond in line with their own personal situation, and should not be criticised for their choice.

A message of hope. East Side Gallery. Berlin. 2009.

Here tomorrow: Sociopaths and serial bullies


There are many outstanding resources on line. A couple I find useful are Bullying. No way! an Australian resource for teachers and students, and a UK site Bully On Line. This is in no way an exhaustive list, and each country will no doubt have equally good or more relevant websites. If you're being bullied please seek advice from a professional health care practitioner experienced in this area.

Over at jumpingaground I'm spending the month Drabbling using alliteration, many with an environmental theme.
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Q. Qualities we instil in our children. Workplace bullying

This is my post for the letter Q in the A-Z blogging challenge 2011.


Bullying at school
Let's think for a moment about the qualities we aim to instil in our children. The ones we're proud of them for exhibiting - things like honesty, kindness, caring for the underdog and trying to resolve conflict with negotiation. In general, parents, society and schools (with a few exceptions) encourage children not to resort to violence.

As a society we say we value these qualities. And yet conversely when our child is the target of bullying in the playground, many parents demand of the same child "stand up for yourself". It's a very mixed message for any youngster. Equally perplexing to many children is the bullying which seems to be celebrated on the sport field and in business and the political areas.

Often we encourage children to "ignore them, they'll go away if you don't react".  But if the little tacker is being hounded day in, day out with sly and not so sly kicks, pinches and punches as well as verbal abuse,  ignoring the bully, or attempting to defuse the situation simply isn't going to work, particularly if school back up is ineffective. The bully is generally devious and sneaky enough to present a smiling, innocent face to any adult who happens on the event. They manipulate the situation so the target suffers doubly.

As parents we often don't know how to respond anyway, particularly if the school is weak and avoiding their responsibility for providing a safe environment. See CASSE (Creating A Safe Supportive Environment) to receive e-news and information on how schools can help raise awareness to counteract bullying. There are also links to academic papers by Twemlow, Fonagy & Sacco. (Click on the tab "Bullying always happens in a social context" or "Disconnected youth are a high risk to schools".)

Bullying needs to be nipped in the bud at the very first instance. We need to celebrate schools that tackle the issue head on. Schools that excuse, condone or ignore the behaviour need to be encouraged to follow the best examples. Every child has a right to attend school to learn, each child has a right not to be bullied, harassed or assaulted by either students OR staff.

All children should be taught how to identify bullying tactics. We must not accept school yard bullying as an inevitable part of schooling. It doesn't toughen anyone up, has detrimental affects on a child's capacity to learn, they have more days off school which in turn means parents need to take time off work to care for the bullied child. Ignoring thuggish behaviour is in effect condoning it. Children should not be expected to handle these damaging situations alone. They need competent support and reliable mature assistance.

The bully may appear to have friends; sadly others often tag along due to fear of being targeted themselves. The bully may be envious of your child and their very good qualities, their humanity, their compassion, their academic achievements, envious of their loving home and caring environment which may be sorely lacking in their own life.

Children shouldn't be expected to cope with bullying alone.

The damage from childhood bullying can affect people for life.  As an adult, children who have been targets of serial bullying may be uncertain and apologetic, they often question their abilities and competence and fail to achieve without intensive support. (Ricky is an example of someone who struggled academically after years of serial bullying at home and school.)

Some adults who have been bullied as children lack a sense of security and trust in others. They haven't been taught appropriate strategies to counteract the unwanted, unasked for attention, and go on to be bullied in the workplace as adults. In addition, schoolyard bullies who haven't been held accountable for their unacceptable, thuggish behaviour as children, often (but not always) go on to be adult bullies, often rising to positions of considerable power at work. In these instances, the damaging effects can undermine reasonable requests for corporations to take responsibility for their actions, affecting health, families and the lives of people far beyond the immediate work environment.

Depending on the cause of the bullying, some adults bullies can be mentored in better, more mature management techniques, and discover the new skills create a happier more productive workforce.

Qualities of the schoolyard bully

For the qualities that childhood bullies display see Bullying (April 2, 2011).

Further information on bullying at school here. For schools, teachers and other interested parties: CASSE has an inexpensive conference in May 2011 in Melbourne, link here. Further programmes here


Here tomorrow: R - Responsibility


There are many outstanding resources on line. A couple I find useful are Bullying. No way! an Australian resource for teachers and students, and a UK site Bully On Line. The Facebook group eBossWatch regularly posts links to articles and discussions about workplace bullying. This is in no way an exhaustive list, and each country will no doubt have equally good or more relevant websites. If you're being bullied please seek advice from a professional health care practitioner experienced in this area.


Over at jumpingaground I'm spending the month Drabbling using alliteration, often with an environmental theme.
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O. Obstructive & outrageous behaviour. Workplace bullying

Bullying has nothing at all to do with class, race or gender but everything to do with a person who fears being seen and exposed as weak and inadequate. Bullies have low confidence and low self esteem, and may fear being revealed after having "been promoted to the level of their incompetence". They choose to do everything in their power to avoid their incompetence being exposed.  They are often highly stressed and afraid, although they cover this up with blustering, bravado and the appearance of being frenetically busy.

Exposing the angel might present something a lot more sinister.  

Street theatre. London 2007

Street theatre. Berlin 2009.

Many enjoy power and control in a workplace and may be extremely charming in their devious, obstructive and manipulative ways to achieve this. They get a kick out of telling different stories to various groups and make each group feel more highly valued as if they are the only ones to have the important information. One group is chosen and preferred over the others. "I wouldn't tell this to ... but I'll let you in on it" - this creates an 'us and them' culture where manipulation and bullying can more easily and sneakily occur.  Groups may be played off against each other,  it's an example of 'divide and conquer'.

Those who see through this ruse are definitely in the outer group and may be frozen out of being given important information thus exposing them to ridicule when they appear to be incompetent.  Meeting schedules and agendas aren't forwarded in a timely manner, passwords to key files are given incorrectly, vital information is withheld. Sneaky, undermining obstruction prevents you doing the job you may well love. (Sorry, have loved - past tense.)

The bully has a need to discredit those who have observed their bullying behaviour as well as others who they see as more intelligent, competent, popular, enthusiastic or even calm. They haven't learnt to accept their responsibilities as a fully functioning adult.

Some behaviour is outrageous in its outright cheek. Initially, you may be asked to do a small personal favour. It's presented as if it's an honour - your skills and knowledge are special!   As a well functioning adult you are unaware of the potential for bullying and when the privilege of doing this work becomes arduous or eats into your private time, the bully becomes cajoling and manipulative.

For example, if the bully is also your supervisor, it's extremely difficult to back track and decline the little bit of unpaid extra typing for their private life or second job. This could evolve from typing a short letter, then expand over many years to include typing and editing a thesis or producing class notes for their own benefit. You've been conned. When you become aware of what's happened, you may feel abused and violated. Your good, trusting humanity has been taken advantage of.

You''ll never be given credit for the huge amount of work you've completed. The bully on the other hand acts without integrity and appears unaware that their constant demands are inappropriate and that they have overstepped the boundary of appropriate behaviour.

Bullying isn't the occasional flying off the handle when things are going badly. When a normal angry person has let fly, they realise the inappropriateness of their behaviour, and learn better ways to manage and put these into action. Serial bullying happens time and time again, without let-up, it is persistent, undermining, malicious.

It can be an entrenched part of the culture in a workplace. In Australia this month (April 2011) the spotlight has been on a number of services (Armed Forces, Police, airline industry) where the underlying culture appears to be problematic and well entrenched with little change occurring after numerous investigations going back 10 or more years.

The bully may present a charming facade one way, but their obstructive behaviour prevents employees working to capacity.  Their chosen bahaviour damages people and companies, often beyond repair.

Berlin Wall. East Side Gallery. Berlin 2009.







Here tomorrow: PTSD - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder


There are many outstanding resources on line. A couple I find useful are Bullying. No way! an Australian resource for teachers and students, and a UK site Bully On Line. This is in no way an exhaustive list, and each country will no doubt have equally good or more relevant websites. If you're being bullied please seek advice from a professional health care practitioner experienced in this area.

Over at jumpingaground I'm spending the month Drabbling using alliteration, often with an environmental theme.
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