Suddenly my job seems pointless.

People sometimes say about their workplace: "I'm thinking of chucking it all in. I can't stand this place any longer."

Others come to see me with stories along the lines of "I'd just bought a morning coffee and realised I couldn't face going back to work. I phoned my boss from the car to say I wouldn't return. Ever."

While the latter is more extreme, it's not uncommon and often leaves the employer as stunned as the former employee.

People who've walked out of their workplace never to return, usually say they weren't conscious of being particularly unhappy. It was as if something surfaced from deep within resulting in a sense of physical revulsion. They talk of a feeling of bewilderment; of having been as surprised as everyone else by this unprovoked and out of character action.

Often they'll sit at home for a week or more trying to make sense of what's happened to them, but this doesn't always lead to particularly useful insights.

To result in this dramatic reaction, something has been deeply out of kilter, and after discussion it generally becomes clear that personal values haven't been acknowledged by the employee or have been trampled on by a manager. However, because values aren't usually discussed in any meaningful way in western culture, it's likely that they haven't been acknowledged or clarified in the person's private life.

What can you do (right now) if you have a sudden overwhelming feeling of revulsion about work and are feeling caught in a web that you can't seem to escape from?

• Stop.
• If possible find somewhere quiet to sit. (To answer the unspoken question: Yes, some people can only find peace in the washroom. It usually provides privacy and you hopefully won't be interrupted!) 
• Breathe slowly and regularly. Take in 3 deep breaths and let them out in a controlled  s l o w  manner. It's harder to panic when you're focused on filling your lungs with air!
• Do a body scan: Mentally audit your limbs, organs, torso and head to get a sense of where the tension has settled - you'll notice a tightness, lump, sense of suffocation or queasiness somewhere when you pause quietly and take time to systematically check in. A body scan can sometimes be a quick process or can take a half hour or more. Don't shortchange yourself by rushing!
• Now, most importantly, when you sense where the discomfort is, stay settled. It's perfectly normal and tempting to avoid mental discomfort and metaphorically run - by turning on the radio or TV, picking up a book, checking social media or deciding you need a cup of coffee ..... Stick with it, you'll thank yourself later on.
• Some people report mentally "seeing" a writhing lump of spaghetti-like substance, others use dreary colours to describe an immovable mass. The description is as individual as you are and there are no right or wrong descriptions.
• Acknowledge and make room for the discomfort. As I mentioned, some people report the feeling of a golf ball in the throat, difficulty breathing or nausea.  Don't try to push the sensation down, belittle the feelings, pretend they don't exist or be scornful and call yourself weak (see Do you bully yourself?) It can be hard to believe, but these feelings are perfectly normal amongst regular everyday people, mums, dads, aunties and uncles, whether they're high flying executives in powerful positions, TV presenters or comedians, artists or doctors. They're part of the human condition and most of us experience them from time to time. 
• As Russ Harris says; now observe the sensation as a curious scientist would. Not with heavy ham-fisted aggression, but gently and with interest. Some people look at the shape, colour and form of the discomfort and find it changes as they take time and allow it to be. (This sounds a bit weird and hippy, but isn't when you do it.)
• And the part which I personally find most powerful is this bit: instead of squashing down the unpleasant sensation, and metaphorically stomping on it to try to make it go away because it hurts and isn't nice, give it a bit of room. Make space for it. Let it stretch. Again, this sounds weird until you do it. What happens then is that it's not quite so horribly uncomfortable. It doesn't go away, it hasn't vanished, but you're not fighting it. 
• Instead of spending time and energy persistently battering uncomfortable feelings down, you give them their own space and whilst you mightn't be great mates you can co-exist with tolerance and acceptance. 
• Next think about your values. If you've completed a formal values clarification exercise, review it, starting with the ones that are not negotiable. Is there something out of kilter there? Something which surfaces when you give it time and space? Work gently through your list one at a time. 
• If you haven't completed a values clarification exercise, the following might be helpful: 

a) from The Confidence Gap by Russ Harris
b) a worksheet from Kelly Wilson adapted by Russ Harris

• It could be that it's not an unethical workplace which is the issue, but that your home life (which you value deeply) is being swamped by work demands leaving you depleted and feeling that something important is passing you by.

And while it may be that nothing will change immediately, by spending time quietly thinking about what's important in your life, you'll gain clarity and understanding and this knowledge will empower you to take appropriate committed action. 

Appropriate action could be to make deliberate changes in relation to conflicting demands on your time: To make space for, and prioritise family, exercise, wholesome food and to give yourself time to enjoy these things. 

Appropriate action could be more confronting too. Once you've become aware of what is disturbing you, how will you respond? If for instance, a colleague is being harassed, which conflicts with your deeply held value of social justice, you'll need to choose how to respond. Will you speak up and be supportive or not? If you don't speak up, you'll experience further conflict - if you do there are costs (and advantages) to that decision as well. When you choose to live in line with your values, it makes some decisions obvious - but that doesn't necessarily make the resulting action easy. 

Without knowledge of what has unsettled you, you'll be making decisions in reaction to something and not proactively from a base of knowledge. 

If doing this alone doesn't work for you, find a coach or trainer who works from a base of values and contact them. The ACBS website is a good place to start and has members throughout the world.


.

Valuing values.

I've just read The best career advice you'll never hear at a graduation speech by William MacAskill and found it particularly interesting given some of the well publicised sayings that will supposedly lead you to the job of your dreams.

Follow your dreams

Do what you love

Set goals and stick to them

Have a five year plan

The world is your oyster

Dream big and success will come your way

You could do anything you want

So much advice, yet so much of it is confusing and often conflicting. And what of the people who simply don't have goals, don't know where to start, don't know what interests them at all? They chop and change, feeling inadequate and unsettled as if they're deliberately being difficult by rudely flouting received wisdom. After all everyone else seems to know what they're on about, they've set GOALS, have made beautiful dream boards - in fact they have a PLAN.

In reality, not everyone is going to make it big, no matter how many wishes they make, no matter how bright and colourful their dream boards. Some of those who do "make it" will find they're still empty inside, but don't know what they're seeking.

MacAskill talks about doing something meaningful or valuable:

What it does mean is that you should start finding out what’s valuable, and get help working out the ways in which your career can make for a better world.

In my experience, not everyone is interested in, or able to focus on making the world a better place - it's too big to comprehend. There's so much to do, but you don't do anything because it's overwhelming and you have no idea where to start. However, when we focus on what we value and what we can do in our own little corner of the world it becomes more achievable.

Some years ago, I worked with John the accountant. John was in great distress as he told me he hated his job. There was nothing for it but to retrain, but how would he do this with a mortgage and family to support? He wanted to work in medicine. He dreamed of helping people and supporting them through their illness, but instead felt doomed to an unfulfilled life with periods of being bitterly unhappy. He was completely demoralised and felt his family was suffering as a result of his misery.

After a while it became evident that it wasn't accounting he hated with such passion, but the company where he worked. He was privvy to some of their ways which didn't sit well with him.  The company didn't act ethically or in the best interests of its clients or the community in which it was located. He valued honesty and integrity. He wanted to be proud of the company he worked for. He valued his family and wanted more balance in his week rather than working long hours and being on call 7 days a week.

We talked around his core values and needs (there's more about values here) as well as his skills. Discussions like this can sometimes feel unsettling; we're not used to talking about what's deeply important to us, so we're hesitant and unsure. We feel the way cautiously. It can also seem like you're circling round the issue and as if it's not really related to your career - but it is! Making career decisions based firmly on your values is life affirming - the outcome doesn't have to be grandiose or world changing to be of value in your corner of the world.

Career exploration based on values is not what the "received wisdom" at the top of this post supports. You're not starting with wishes, or dreams or goals. You're starting with self knowledge, and an understanding of your unique blend of values and skills. You're starting with you, and what's important to you as an individual. It's not the quick fix mix and match: "if you are good at xyz, then this career will suit you".

Once John stopped focusing on his anger and the distress he experienced at being expected to act unethically and being unable to change the situation, he was able to see that he genuinely enjoyed accounting. Allowing space and time for the negative feelings to rise and be accepted without fighting them was an important step in the process. That negativity was clouding his judgement and colouring his attitude towards his profession.

Retraining wasn't necessary! John brightened up considerably as he realised that working as an accountant for a doctor, a medical testing laboratory, or in a hospital would support his values and make use of his original training.

And whilst job hunting, cold calling, writing letters of application and making your resume sing aren't always the most beguiling of pass-times, when they're conducted with a view to supporting your core values it feels like your time is well spent and your decision will be based on a solid foundation.

.

Book review: “Working with Bitches: Identify the Eight Types of Office Mean Girls and Rise Above Workplace Nastiness” by Meredith Fuller

US edition available 2013!

If you've never worked with a bitch, it's hard to understand the anguish it can bring day after long day, week after long week. It's almost impossible to imagine the impact it can have on every aspect of your life; sleeping can be disrupted while you churn over the day, eating can be problematic and leisure time eroded with the ongoing distress of belittling, malicious and downright nasty behaviour. Frustration, self doubt, anger, confusion and exhaustion are words commonly used to attempt to describe the experience. "Working with Bitches" isn't a pop psychology book. It's solidly grounded in theory, knowledge and the experience of working with a diverse range of clients over many years. Meredith Fuller is a loved and respected Melbourne psychologist who interviewed a wide range of women for the stories selected, to shed light on different kinds of bitchy behaviour. The stories give a sense of the personal challenges many women face in working with bitches. They are a glimpse into a wide range of unhealthy workplace dynamics - some are harrowing and you wonder how anyone gets away with such appalling behaviour. All the stories are very readable, and I found myself identifying behaviours I'd seen in different workplaces in a new and helpful way. Not only are the behaviours named and clearly identified, but the possible effect of the behaviour on the target is outlined, along with an explanation of why the bitch may behave in a particular way. Equally helpful are realistic suggestions for dealing with the challenging boss or co-worker and practical strategies are presented in a series of 'what to do' lists. Throughout the book are reminders that not all nasty, mean behaviour is bitchy, even though it may appear that way. There could well be other causes, and in addition there may be a need at some stage for deep self reflection as well. The second part of the book delves more deeply into psychological issues and I found I needed to concentrate more carefully. The possible role of fear and archetypes are discussed as well as different communication styles: for instance a preference for either using the head (Thinking) or heart (Feeling) can lead to difficulty with communication. Age related issues are also discussed, with the possibility for difference and misunderstandings explained helpfully. Whilst "Working with Bitches" has been written by a woman, for women who are working with bitches, I'll certainly buy a copy for my son. I believe it'll give him an insight into behaviours that may otherwise have been perplexing or even have gone unnoticed. The sections on communication styles, learning to say no, managing workplace stress, and strategies for deciding whether to stay or leave an unsatisfactory workplace are equally as relevant to him and other men as they are to women in the workforce. Disclaimer: Meredith Fuller was one of my psychology lecturers when I was at college some 25+ years ago. She was inspirational, enthusiastic and knowledgeable. We came into contact again a couple of years back when we were facilitating Myers Briggs Type Inventory (MBTI) workshops with university students. Meredith has included some of my workplace experiences in the book, however I receive no freebies or financial gain from book sales.  My personal interest in, and professional experience of supporting targets of workplace bullying and bitchiness goes back many years.  I am pleased to celebrate Meredith Fuller's hard work and enthusiasm which have led to the publication of this excellent, helpful and readable book. .

Intimidate with soggy spaghetti or go for the jugular?

It's strange, I don't consider myself to be particularly interested in politics, but the recent shenanigans by the Victorian and Queensland state governments and the federal opposition have irritated me no end. I'm not committed to either of the major parties, but am appalled at the lacklustre interest they seem to take in acknowledging the advice from an earlier Prime Minister to represent the people of our country fairly and to act with humility and without self-interest. (See photo at the end for quote.) Whether they're currently holding power, or hoping to be elected, the words are an important guide for appropriate behaviour.

I've written about the damage the local policies are having on jobs and local communities in Victoria. I've talked about my frustration with the lack of policies and commitment to strategies to adapt to climate change, arguably the biggest social and environmental challenge to face human beings ever.

However that almost, but not quite, fades into the background with the latest jaw dropping inanities uttered by the leader of the opposition last week on national TV.

Link to 7:30 interview with Leigh Sales.

The leader of the opposition is reported to be paid $342,250 per annum, and for that sum, I'd expect him to be prepared about the topic he's about to be interviewed on. It's what I'd expect of a secondary student, a graduate or an employee. Actually, it's not about the money; whether he's paid or not, I'd expect him to have read the report he's about to be interviewed on, prepared to discuss it in an intelligent, articulate, rational manner.

That Tony Abbott saw fit to utter incorrect, insistent, repetitive, dogmatic pronouncements about a recently released BHP report, yet hadn't had the courtesy or professionalism to even open it and read and digest the contents is arrogant in the extreme. The interview is embarrassing and cringeworthy and would make an excellent teaching tool for how not to present yourself if you expect to look remotely credible.

Leigh Sales, the interviewer, asks questions with growing incredulity, yet she remains professional, polite and courteous. She is clearly astounded by Tony Abbott's obvious ignorance: "But hang on, no, no, you haven't read their statements today, but you're commenting about what they've announced today and how the Federal Government's to blame for that."

Perhaps Mr Abbott has become so used to providing "spectacle and conflict" that's he's become complacent, and thinks that doing some honest research and quoting accurately is beneath him, or perhaps it's a tedious irrelevancy.

He and his party may be surprised to know that many Australians are genuinely interested in his party's plans for our country if they win the next election. How will they address climate change, sea level rise, water shortages, food insecurity? How will they line these challenges up with economic responsibility and sustainability? These issues will affect us all. They will require intelligent, considered, calm, rational, wise leadership, not ignorant, dismissive, contemptuous, superficial rhetoric.

If Tony Abbott can't be bothered to read a report which he knows he will be interviewed about, how can he possible be considered by his party as suitable to represent Australia on the world stage with any confidence? There, he'd be expected to answer curly, possibly insightful questioning from people with no interest in protecting him or being as mild and gentle as Leigh Sales was.

In relation to refusing to seriously answer questions about the National Disability Insurance Scheme, Tim Dunlop of The Drum says "Mr Abbott is not being judged on his ability to run a government, but on his ability to manipulate the media coverage by refusing to address a central question about a major policy." This is seen as admirable by some in the media.

Lack of knowledge and the ability to avoid answering serious questions is being encouraged and rewarded! For goodness sake, that's disgusting and it's time our reporters as a group lifted their act. Go for the jugular! Continue asking insightful questions and expect them to be answered appropriately, let us see when they're avoided. Australia and Australians are worth it! Aggressive sound bites are no substitute for thoughtful policy. Spare our country if this shameful embarrassment of a leader of the opposition continues in the role...and even more so if the opposition wins the next election. What is their vision for the future? We can hear their passion to destroy the current government, but that's not balanced by sharing thoughtful, wise policies.

And if the men and (very few) women of the Liberal Party consider Abbott's sound bites adequate to show his fitness to lead and possibly represent our country - what does their choice say about them?

Photo from a wall in Old Government House - Canberra. 

"May those who enter this open door govern with justice, reason and equal favour to all. May they do so in humility and without self-interest. May they think and act nationally. May they speak with the voice of those who sent them here - the voice of the people." 9 May 1927

Stanley Melbourne Bruce, Prime Minister, 1923 - 29

Leigh Sales has since been called a bit of a cow for the interview. In my opinion, the apology that followed appeared half hearted and disingenuous. (Link to the interview here)

But to recap, here's the question asked of by Liberal party strategist Grahame Morris regarding the Abbott interview:  "Were you surprised that he [Tony Abbott] didn't handle that better?"

... and Morris's reply "Well, Leigh can be a real cow sometimes".

Over on G+ I said that Morris's eventual apology is condescending, offhand and dismissive, using words like ... "poor sensitive little souls", and "silly".

A commenter replied that he thought the public reaction was a bit over the top. I disagree. To me, it comes across as a ploy to deflect attention from the fact that Leigh Sales asked a question that exposed Abbott's lack of preparedness for the interview, and his willingness to express incorrect ideas as fact.

The term cow can be used is a derogatory way to belittle or dismiss the woman it describes and to undermine her credibility. It's never used to show respect for someone asking appropriate questions.

By responding in this way, Morris avoided answering the important question "were you surprised that he didn't handle that better?" Of course a simple answer could have been damning. The unspoken answer clearly wasn't supportive of Abbott or Morris would have said so loud and clear.


.

Sometimes life sucks - and 4 ways to help it suck less

I recently had the following exchange with a friend on line, and I think it taps into issues many of us face from time to time.

"There is so much wrong in the world that I sometimes cannot handle thinking about it and react with pessimistic thinking and I give up trying."

How do we get out of those periods of extreme negativity when we’re overwhelmed with all that’s wrong? I know I’ve been sucked into some very murky, gloomy places where the world just seemed to pile misery onto negativity onto gloom and then mixed it up into a wholly unappetising festering sludge. Everywhere I looked there was unhappiness, bullying, cruelty, monumental greed, corporate and Government corruption, lying, mysogynistic abuse, environmental degradation and tipping points that could lead to all sorts of truly frightening outcomes. And that’s without adding that some people are conscious of these things and also dealing with physical pain, family issues and financial woes.

You can feel out of control, like being sucked down a chute.

Sometimes it feels relentless and can be unbelievably unsettling. I remember once thinking it was as if every morning I'd wake up to an overwhelming sense of doom as if I was looking into a vile bottomless precipice and I was teetering on the edge about to overbalance. And I was too scared to look and see what I was afraid of. (more on that another time.)

I’ll be up-front and acknowledge that it’s not easy, but it IS possible to carry on with a more wholesome outlook yet not ignore societal wrongs. What I’ll share are some of the skills I’ve learned over many years. It’s not a comprehensive list, but is a start.

1. Core values
A clear knowledge of your core values is a great place to begin. It’s the bedrock for my decisions whether small or large. In an ideal world I’d base all decisions on my values, as it is it's getting more automatic the longer I do it. (Here's a glimpse into some of my core values and how I incorporate them into blogging.)

The question goes “Is this decision, or action, leading me in the direction of my core values, or away from them?”

This deceptively simple question can lead to an equally, amazingly simple answer. Yes or no. My experience is that there’s not a lot of indecision - there doesn’t seem to be a “maybe” category.

However knowing the answer doesn’t mean the following action is easy. Making choices according to your values can be excruciatingly hard, but it leaves little wriggle room. You’re making a conscious choice to accept or ignore your value/s.

Another way of thinking about this could be: “Is being miserable about the state of the world, to the extent that I am unable to act, leading me toward or away from my values?”

I'm not going down
that way!

2. Self talk
Being aware of undermining words and negative self talk is valuable. What are the phrases you use on yourself that derail your goals and values? Could it be: “Why bother, it won’t make any difference anyway”? When I become aware of the variations on that theme playing in my head, I stop, pause and breathe, three times slowly and deeply. This allows me time to regroup, and refocus on the value I choose to pursue. (More on the power of thoughtful breathing here) It’s a few moments of mindfulness that I know I can achieve.

If the negative words are particularly invasive I can remind myself  “Oh that’s just my mind getting stroppy. This is boring! I don’t want to go down that track, it’s not helpful.” It’s like putting mental blinkers on as a conscious, very deliberate choice.

3. Your backpack
Some people find it helpful to visualise putting the negative thoughts, words and pictures into a backback, visualise leaving it by the back door ready to put on when they choose. Others find it more helpful to write about or draw the issue on a piece of paper and physically put it into a real backpack, walk around with the back pack on, then take it off with a deeply exhaled breath. Then stretch as if you’ve taken off a very heavy load, breathe deeply and pursue the one action you want to address in this moment. You choose when to put the laden backpack on again.

4. Sharing with your mates
I've often talked about the importance of sharing when you're feeling overwhelmed with negativity. The negativity could be a chasm of despair, depression, fear or ... (insert your personalised word here). Some of the broad environmental, social, corporate and political issues we're facing, no matter where we are in the world, can be deeply distressing.

When we reach out to others and say something along the lines of: "I'm scared, how are you managing?" it can be uncomfortable. (Yep, that's for sure!) But by learning to be vulnerable we acknowledge our shared humanity. We allow others to reach out and both give and receive support. It's not everything. The pain and fear doesn't magically disappear, but it's a great start.

It can be hard to live according to your core values, but strangely it can help you confront your demons and strengthen resolve when the going is rocky.

• On the importance of small steps, this one to do with movement Happiness tip - Move! here
• A brief slide show with practical tips for supporting happiness choices here
• Training our minds for happiness takes discipline as described by Matthieu Riccard here

What supportive actions would you like to add to this list?

If you suspect you could be depressed please contact your health care professional, Life Line, or other support service.
.

Exams - failure is in the eye of the beholder

What are we doing to our young people going into the exam period?

Too many teachers and parents add pressure by ranting and raving about failure, implying that life isn’t worth living if you don’t pass the final secondary school, or university exams. Tragically, some students take this to heart and choose to end their lives. I can’t begin to express the sorrow and grief I experience every time I hear of a young life lost, particularly at exam time.

I wonder if they felt it was impossible for them to live up the expectations, hopes and dreams of those around them. If they were aware that they hadn't worked as relentlessly and hard as they could and had felt that taking their own life was better than facing the shame of failing an exam. I wonder if they had heard, (hopefully mistakenly) and taken to heart, that to fail an exam equates to being a failure as a human being.

Knowing the remote, but possibly tragic consequences of this extremely limited view of success; why is it that when a young person is coming up to the exams, teachers, parents and the news machines put more and more pressure on them?

From the in your face shouting and barrage of demeaning and demoralizing slurs on character, to outright predictions that “You’ll fail if you keep that up” the pressure is unwarranted and undermining on an often fragile self esteem.

I wonder if anyone involved really believes the students have no idea about the enormity of the perceived importance of the final exams. After all, it's been relentlessly hammered into them for years. "If you think this is hard, just wait till you do your *VCE" and "This is going to be the hardest year of your life".

I’ve chosen the words in the above paragraph carefully … Perceived importance.

Worst-case scenario: The student fails the exam.
Of course teachers may see this as a negative reflection on their teaching ability. The school may see it as a negative reflection on it and the teacher. Their ranking may go down, and they may not be seen as so prestigious. The parent may see it as a negative reflection on their parenting. The student might not get into the course they dreamed of. Their pride may have been dented, but the student never was, and never will be a worthless human because they failed an exam.

The student is NOT a failure; they have failed to answer the questions that were asked on that particular exam on that particular day. This is not a direct reflection on their worth as people. The world does not and will not end. It does not and never will make them bad people, undeserving of respect, tolerance, compassion. It does not mean they won’t go on to live lives that are rich, full and meaningful. It does not mean that they won’t go on to satisfying and successful further study in years to come. It is not a prediction about the rosiness of anyone’s future.

Exam results don't predict life achievements
Failing an exam could mean all sorts of things about the student’s stress levels, study habits, adverse outside influences – all sorts of things, but never is it, nor should it be used as a threat to predict a life that won’t be worth living.

As a teacher or parent, you should never make dire negative predictions about any student’s future – it’s cruelly undermining, often leads to loss of confidence and an inability to perform as well as possible. It rarely encourages a student to work harder and should never be used as a tactic – it’s heartless and vindictive, especially when accompanied with shouted, in your face putdowns.

In addition, no one has that fictitious crystal ball. We don't know. We can't predict the future. We're not seers, soothsayers or psychics. Many inspiring citizens have failed exams and gone on to be publicly revered. Please don't ignore their contribution in the push for impressive exam results.

As a long time teacher, counsellor and facilitator at tertiary institutions I’ve seen the result of undermining, toxic, vicious and cruel comments made by teachers and parents up to thirty and forty years after the event. Comments hissed under the breath, laced with venom, or shouted publicly, openly in front of a class.  Unfortunately many students take to heart and believe what powerful adults tell them. These comments stay with people, creating churning, nagging doubt and too often a profound sense of hopelessness.

Is that what we want for any young person taking their first steps into the adult world?

I’ve worked extensively with competent, yet academically insecure, nervous adults. Wonderful people, contributing generously to their communities, yet their underlying self esteem is in tatters as they’ve suffered at school with a powerful teacher who has glibly, possibly thoughtlessly or flippantly predicted that they won’t amount to anything. The teacher might not even remember, if they do, they might say: "I didn't mean anything by it, they were just words to get them studying harder."

Just words?
Words are powerful tools, used to inspire, encourage and support, but also to control, dominate or insult. "You're hopeless, you won't amount to anything" - what a cruel prediction, surely designed to erode confidence.

I've seen smart students with undiagnosed learning difficulties who, at school, had been publicly ridiculed, shamed, belittled and taunted for being unable to produce a single page of written work. As adults they are desperate to prove that they’re as good as those who can spell accurately and put sentences together easily.

These people are NOT failures. They contribute to the richness of our communities.

They are our families - they are sons and daughters, cousins, aunts and uncles, mums and dads, grandmas and grandpas.

The last exams of secondary school are part of life, one step. One small step in the path of many, many steps. The exams may be important, they may make it easier to gain immediate entry into university. But 'success' as a wholesome, interesting, intelligent, worthwhile human being does not and never will rest on achieving a high grade at the final exams in secondary school (or university for that matter).

What's been your experience with exam pressure?

The following link to youthbeyondblue.com has some excellent fact sheets on depression. Link here. Please seek help if you think you're depressed or need assistance with exam technique.  

If you know anyone who might benefit from this reminder about the place of exams as a predictor of life success, please post the link to FB or share in some way.


thanks

Sue

* VCE/HSC/SACE etc are the final exams at Australian secondary schools. They are scored and used as a basis for entry to many university and tertiary courses.

Graffiti art on the side of a building in Berlin. 2009.

.

Do you bully yourself?

Last month some people dropping by might have thought; “Workplace bullying? Nope, that doesn’t apply to me; all is fine here".

You might have a comfortable home life, nothing out of the ordinary in the line of illness, your relationships are loving and secure, with no particular problems.

You may even have wondered what all the fuss is about regarding bullying. I've heard the comments such as "Suck it up" "Toughen up" "Stop whinging" to name a few.

A few people contacted me and said something very similar. But there was a niggle, a sense of unease and it turns out that although they’re not on the receiving end of serial bullying at work, they’re definitely on the receiving end of their own well crafted and highly personalised bullying. Could this apply to you?

The uncensored cruelty some of us dish out to ourselves – and that we believe – can be as damaging as serial bullying by a co-worker.

Have you ever caught yourself thinking: “Oh I couldn’t do xyz, I’ll never be as good as … so I won’t try.”

“I stuffed up last time, so I’ll give it a miss now”.

“Gee you’re crap at this aren’t you. Why are you wasting your, and everybody else's time?”

“Eeeew, you’re getting a bit big for your boots now aren’t you; better quit before you make a fool of yourself.”

“You don’t really think you can compete with x do you! What a joke! Oh, they’re going to laugh long and loud when they see the drivel you’ve come up with.”

or even: "You know they'll realise you're a fraud really soon; better stop now."

Nyip nyip nyip all day long, it can be utterly exhausting. It's no wonder life can feel utterly draining when you're contending with such negativity.

That critic sitting so brazenly on your shoulder can be a malicious, vicious, undermining sod; sniping, whinging and moaning and with direct access to your ear. Very difficult to escape!

In summary, what we hear, day in, day out in the privacy of our own head can be equally as vicious, malicious, undermining and relentless as what I’ve described regarding workplace bullying.

What to do?
Kurt Vonnegut often wrote about how we should behave towards one another, and believed strongly that we should treat each other with kindness and common courtesy. I’d like to add that ideally, we should treat ourselves in the same manner.

Do you treat yourself with common courtesy? With kindness, compassion and tolerance?

The Dalai Lama in Sydney 2009.

Treating ourselves kindly is a choice, and we can learn to treat ourselves as we would treat others, although it may will take time and effort. As the Dalai Lama said at a lecture I attended - and I'm paraphrasing here - we can take a pill to make ourselves feel better for a short time - this is easy - but we need to make wise choices about how we will live for the effect to be long lasting.

While shaking his head in wonder he described a person taking anti-depressant pills to feel better, yet continuing to abuse the mind and body with unhealthy life choices.

What can we adopt in our lives to begin loosening the grip of the negative sniper on our shoulder and stop bullying ourselves?

In one of last month’s posts I mentioned in passing, a television series that aired here in Australia called "Making Australia Happy". In a future post I’ll look a bit more at the ideas presented, and the ways we can address those snitchy undermining comments.

Until then, “How do you treat yourself?”

Thanks to Roberto at Roberto's Report for describing how to continue posting even when the Spinning Wheel of nothingness strikes!
.

S. Sociopaths & serial bullies. Workplace bullying

This is my post for S in the 2011 A-Z blogging challenge. 
Sociopaths
Antisocial personality disorder (ASPD) is the current term used by clinicians to refer to what most of us refer to as sociopaths or psychopaths. The condition is considered in part to be "...a pervasive pattern of disregard for, and violation of the rights of others.”

Some professionals estimate that about 4% of the adult population could exhibit these symptoms. Many never commit crimes, or if they do, they aren’t convicted because of their skill in manipulating superiors and their general deviousness and outstanding ability to lie and twist the truth. Many bullies behave in similar ways to a sociopath.

A sociopath lacks interpersonal, social and empathic skills.  They may be described as being silver tongued; the can learn to talk the talk, but are unable to consistently walk the walk. They will persistently and aggressively deflect attention away from their own failings onto the target/s while appearing to be extremely busy and needed by other departments. (There is a checklist at the bottom of this post.)

Genuine heartfelt empathy is lacking, expressions of remorse, concern or respect are shallow and glib.

Sociopaths learn to reflect traits of empathy,
but the emotion is shallow and fragmented.

Psychopaths 

Whilst the professionals debate the definitions and differences between sociopaths and psychopaths, many non professionals consider that psychopaths are less interested in learning to show compassion and that the sense of feeling inadequate and insecure is lacking. 

Years ago I worked in a teaching facility for difficult teenagers where I heard one boy describe a vicious street fight. He expressed no emotion at all about the victim who was being kicked repeatedly and violently in the head. He described the bloody situation analytically, dispassionately, chillingly, and with apparent pleasure. The other students were very aware that he wasn't like them and were disturbed by his description, even though they were all living with violence themselves. Some were fearful, others wary, but none wanted to be involved with him and his callous coldness.  This behaviour may have been psychopathic (Please note, I am not a clinician and am in no way making a formal assessment).

Serial bullies
As adults, bullies of all kinds are extraordinarily skilled at deflecting questions, comments or concerns away from themselves. To the observer it’s uncanny how smoothly and seamlessly this is done. People describe being stunned at how the bully seems to be able to anticipate and say what is needed in any given situation.

The bully will often protect anyone accused or suspected of sexual abuse and will frustrate or obstruct investigations into that person. Complaints will go unrecorded and uninvestigated. It is extremely difficult when the bully is the person to whom any complaint must pass through, and incredibly frustrating when information about a bully or sexual predator is not passed up line. The bullying supervisor becomes angry when anyone goes above them to report serial abuse. They enjoy the power of being a gatekeeper and use it to their own ends by filtering information coming up and down.

Bullies are very clever at creating conflict between those who would otherwise pool negative information. They like to divide and conquer. Bullying can be a cover for a deep fear of being found out for being incompetent. They hate to be held accountable but may be able to deceive and evade responsibility whilst manipulating co workers into looking foolish. In reality, they have low self esteem and poor interactions with others. If you have high or normal self esteem you have no need to bully.

The serial bully seems to be able to avoid responsibility for their actions
(Photo: Eastside Gallery. Berlin 2009)

Bullies fear exposure of their inadequacy, immaturity and insecurity. They want to dominate or control and have never learnt how to interact with others normally. The manager who is proud of being "tough"  hasn't learnt how to manage maturely and wisely. Some bullies revel in attention seeking behaviour and like to be the centre of attention, they may overdramatise to be noticed and constantly refer to how busy they are - they need to be noticed. Many are emotionally needy, and are unable to act like normal, mature adults.

When recruiting
Employers who are recruiting should always check qualifications and references extremely carefully. Sociopaths, psychopaths and serial bullies are shameless in their ability to lie and deceive to gain a position of trust. Some have been known to recruit allies to pose as respectable and reputable referees by giving misleading information and false names and contact details.

The bully may appear angelic to some
people, but NOT to the target.

Check list
Have any of these terms been used about any of your co-workers?
If so, it's possible they may be a bully.

• callous, cold and calculating, conniving, clever and cunning
• devious, disinterested
• won't negotiate
• ruthless in the extreme
• scumbag
• slime
• snake in the grass
• tough manager in the extreme
• twofaced
• unreliable
• untrustworthy
• wolf in sheep's clothing
• scheming
• obnoxious

This website gives a layman's checklist of qualities to beware of in the sociopath or psychopath.

Do you have any stories to share? 

What words would you add to the checklist?

Here tomorrow: Targets & Teachers



There are many outstanding resources on line. A few I find useful are Bullying. No way! an Australian resource for teachers and students, CASSE and a UK site Bully On Line. This is in no way an exhaustive list, and each country will no doubt have equally good or more relevant websites. If you're being bullied please seek advice from a professional health care practitioner experienced in this area.


Over at jumpingaground I'm spending the month Drabbling using alliteration, often with an environmental theme.
.

P. PTSD. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Workplace bullying.

This post is one in a series on workplace bullying for the 2012 A-Z Blogging challenge.

PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) can be described as:

an invisible injury occurring as a result of major traumatic experiences, including violence, harassment, assault, rape, accident, fire, explosion, disaster, or witnessing such events.
(from bullyonline) 

PTSD is a natural emotional reaction to a shocking and disturbing experience which has overwhelmed one's ability to cope. It causes significant impairment in social, occupational or other important areas of functioning.

There is growing awareness and acceptance that PTSD can also result from an accumulation of many small, individually non-life-threatening incidents such as being exposed to prolonged and relentlessly abusive bullying. To differentiate, the term "Complex PTSD" is generally used.

The feelings and emotions resulting from serial bullying which are similar to those of PTSD include:

• Avoid discussing or thinking about the events
• Avoid going places that remind the person of the trauma
• Chronic gloominess
• Concentration is shot, often confused
• Catatonic. Some people experience an inability to get out of bed (this is very different to laziness)
• Distress at being asked to recall the events or being around people discussing bullying
• Detached, as if watching others from behind a screen
• Exhaustion which is not relieved by sleep
• Flashbacks may be common, with frequent distressing recollections of the events
• Flight or fight response is on constant alert
• General disinterest in life
• Guilty for being weak
• Hyper-vigilant
• Irritable
• Loss of libido
• Nervy
• Pacing the house at all hours of the night
• Recurrent nightmares - adds to sleep deprivation 
• Snappy
• Startles easily and frequently
• Sleep is disrupted constantly, may have trouble falling asleep and staying asleep
• Unable to find meaning or fun in life
• Vomiting or nausea at mention or discussion of the event

East side Gallery. Berlin. 2009.

Click here for information about stress.

Here tomorrow: Q. Qualities we instill in our children (which make it easier for them to be bullied)


There are many outstanding resources on line. A couple I find useful are Bullying. No way! an Australian resource for teachers and students, and a UK site Bully On Line. 

Minding the Workplace by David Yamada is regularly updated with interesting and useful articles and research, and eBossWatch on facebook links to articles about workplace bullying from around the world.

This is in no way an exhaustive list, and each country will no doubt have equally good or more relevant websites. If you're being bullied please seek advice from a professional health care practitioner experienced in this area. 

Over at jumpingaground I'm spending the month Drabbling using alliteration, often with an environmental theme.
.

C. Courage & Climate. A-Z challenge

Courage: the ability to do something that frightens you, even in the face of danger, threat or grief.

Last July I wrote a tribute - available here - to the strong women and men I've known who have shown immense courage in standing up to, and speaking out about bullies and sexual predators. In most cases it has taken a dreadful toll on their health. They've questioned their wisdom and had their sanity queried, but have stood firm in the knowledge that if they didn't take a stand the cruelty would continue if not for them then for others. In all cases the person I have supported has been one in a long line of 'victims' or targets.

None of these people has at the outset expected the road to have been so difficult or for 'justice' (of doubtful value) to take so long to be achieved.  Some adults who have endured years of bullying as a child struggle to find the confidence to acknowledge their worth. One story is available here.

I've also supported people who for various reasons have been unable to expose the bullying. Their suffering has been heart-wrenching but they are no less courageous, and have lived through dreadful torment.

Climate: In some workplaces there can be a climate of fear or mistrust, possibly only in the specific department, but sometimes throughout the entire workplace. The perpetrator may criticise and fault find constantly; this is combined with a complete absence of praise. The bully will tend to undermine the target's credibility and often will have an unhealthy need for complete control, possibly micro managing, whilst simultaneously undermining the target by withholding vital information such as computer passwords, meeting schedules etc. A female bully may need to be 'the Queen Bee' and have her chosen minions hover around and be at her beck and call.

The bully may have charisma and cultivate friendships with certain colleagues, but leave others sidelined. The target or targets may have a sense that something is not quite right, but are unable initially to put their finger on the niggling feelings as superficially everything appears to be pleasant. Pay attention to the small voice.  Stop and listen! Your sixth sense is there for a very good reason.

A threatening storm.

Tomorrow: Danger, Depression & Doctors


***
There are many outstanding resources on line. A couple I find useful are Bullying. No way! an Australian resource for teachers and students, and a UK site Bully On Line. This is in no way an exhaustive list, and each country will no doubt have equally good or more relevant websites. If you're being bullied please seek advice from a professional health care practitioner experienced in this area.


Over at jumpingaground I'm spending the month Drabbling using alliteration, mostly with a climate related theme.
.

B is for Bullying. A - Z Blogging Challenge

How to recognize Bullying behaviour at work. 


Many of these examples can be a part of everyday work life.  They can be described as bullying when there is a consistent, sustained pattern over time that isn't altered when the bully is alerted to the unacceptable nature of the comment or behaviour.

• Abusive, insulting or offensive language
• Behaviour or language that frightens, humiliates, belittles or degrades, including yelled criticism
• Belittling your contributions 
• Constant nit-picking and faultfinding, attempts to undermine
• Displaying material that is degrading or offending
• Distorting your comments
• Deadlines changed without informing you
• Degrading comments
• Enlisting others to question and undermine your contributions, being Excluded
• Falsifying documents purported to be from you, constant Fault finding
• Going to a supervisor to cast doubts on your work
• Hiring another less qualified person to squeeze you out
• Information may be passed on too late for action
• Ignoring and Isolating
• Intruding on a person’s space by pestering, spying or tampering with their personal effects or work equipment
• Jokes at your expense that aren't funny
• Leave is often refused
• Making threats either veiled or subtly, being given Menial tasks
• Misrepresentation of your ideas or contributions, being marginalized
• Never being adequately supported
• Overloading with work, may be given menial tasks, or constant night and weekend shifts
• your work may be Plagiarised
• Pestering
• Questioning your motives, work habits, reliability, emotional state
• Refusal to acknowledge your contribution
• Responsibilities may be increased without adequate remuneration or recognition
• Spreading gossip, rumours and innuendo of a malicious nature
• Being Singled out and treated differently
• Teasing or regularly making you the brunt of practical jokes
• Threats that if you complain, disciplinary action will be taken
• Trivializing your contributions
• Tampering with your personal effects
• Undermining your position, status, worth and value. Unjustified criticism
• Unreasonable expectations
• Unfair treatment in relation to accessing workplace entitlements, such as leave or training
• using Value laden comments to discredit you
• Work equipment may be hidden, locked away. You may need to grovel to gain access to it
• Yelling, in private, or in front of others

How to recognise bullying behaviour at school:

• may be academically below average
• aggressive, physically strong, willing to resort to violence
• attention-seeking 
• thrives on control and dominance 
• cowardly
• poor communication skills 
• disrespectful and contemptuous of other children and adults
• divisive, dysfunctional, disruptive
• may have a dysfunctional home life
• lacks empathy
• envious
• exploits others
• needs to impress
• immature in behaviour and emotions
• insecure
• lies frequently
• needs to be respected but can't distinguish between "respect" and "fear"
• does not accept responsibility
• poor social skills
• low self-esteem
• thinks it fun to torment and hurt children who are less physically strong 
• uncaring

Tomorrow, I'll look at the Climate in which the bully operates and touch on the Courage needed to stand up to a bully.

The book Working with Mean Girls by Meredith fuller is an excellent resource for both men and women experiencing bullying at work. There are also useful tips for students. Review here.

There are many outstanding resources on line. A couple I find useful are Bullying. No way! an Australian resource for teachers and students, and a UK site Bully On Line. The Facebook group eBossWatch (here) regularly posts links to articles and information on workplace bullying. This is in no way an exhaustive list, and each country will no doubt have equally good or more relevant websites.


If you're being bullied please seek advice from a professional health care practitioner experienced in this area.


Over at jumping aground I'm spending the month playing with alliteration.
.

A. The Angst & anguish of workplace bullying. A-Z blogging challenge.

Anguish:

"A great mental suffering or pain". An appropriate A word that sums up the experience of being bullied, whether at home, school, work, your place of worship, your club - indeed, wherever it happens.

To begin, I'll look at what bullying behaviour isn't.
Bullying isn't a one off reaming by your boss which is "out of character". Nor is it when a person is experiencing extreme distress such as illness at home, financial difficulties or other life challenges and lashes out with "that was the last straw" moment and spits out mean or hurtful comments.

Things such as these are a normal part of the human experience. We all get frustrated, we all experience hurt, we all get snappy and angry, some live with constant pain and may crack occasionally. Most of us learn to apologise after making unfair or cruel comments; we shake hands and move on. We may even feel contrite or embarrassed by our outburst, because it was so out of character. The person on the receiving end may be hurt and upset by the outburst, but there is not much danger of long term damage to one's psyche from a one off, or occasional grumpy comment.

The above is not bullying behaviour.

In brief (and the remainder of the month will look at different aspects of this) bullying behaviour is ongoing, malicious and relentless. This is the big difference. The bully has no desire to change, and often no insight that their serial bullying is inappropriate.  Some are unaware and uncaring, others proud of being tough and 'telling it like it is'.  In the first examples we survive, we're basically OK, but possibly ruffled. The second can lead to ongoing health issues, affect the ability to learn and retain information and have serious life long outcomes.

East Side Gallery. Berlin. 2009.

Being the target of a serial bully can lead to a lifetime of angst and anguish. More on this later in the month.  Below is an explanation of how this series of posts came about.


Angst:

"A feeling of anxiety and worry" - this pretty much sums up how I'm feeling about attempting the A-Z Blogging Challenge this month hosted by Arlee Bird over at Tossing it Out. It's easier (although I might regret saying that) with my other blog jumping aground where I enjoy having fun with words. Here however, I tend to be more serious, and I want to focus on an issue that affects many people.  I've written a couple of posts previously on bullying, discussing the fallout from the prolonged abuse and the immense courage it takes to be a whistleblower.  I now want to revisit the issue and explore it further using the A-Z format focusing on Workplace bullying.  The goal is to blog every day except Sundays, starting with A on April 1st through to Z on April 30th. And when I get stuck?  More angst!

Thankyou to Arlee Bird at 'Tossing It Out' and his artful crew for hosting this amazing challenge.

Here tomorrow B: a closer look at what constitutes Bullying behaviour.

.

CDAA Workshop: 27. Shoulds and Oughts

(This post forms part of a series of powerpoint slides from a presentation I gave at the Career Development Association of Australia Conference 2010 entitled: The Roller-coaster Ride from Permanent Part-time Employee to Private Practitioner.)


Do others know us better than we know ourselves?

"You should only see young clients"

"You should brand yourself"

"Everything from your business card, to your invoices, to your web site to your ... should reflect your brand"

"You ought to return calls within an hour"

"If you really want to be successful you have to work evenings and weekends"

"Why did you get a blue business card? Everyone knows people don't trust people with blue business cards". OK, I'm making that last one up, but I've heard all the others, and more.

One unfortunate experience I had was making use of a business mentoring service where the mentor may have been very experienced in selling goods, but apparently had little expertise in the service arena. She insisted I needed a comprehensive business plan before I embarked on my venture, and promptly shot down all my dreams. She brought few new ideas to the table, but managed to belittle all the plans I had. I felt completely demoralized and disillusioned, and seriously questioned my ability to take that vital first step.

Thankfully I had already had a successful tutoring business, which operated for 3 years until I decided to try working for an organization again.

When I began tutoring, friends and acquaintances said it would never work if I only worked school hours. That didn't sit well with one of my values. (ie: it is important to be around after school for teenagers as well as for younger children.) It was something I was reluctant to compromise on. I stuck to my guns and it worked for me. Which is another way of saying that I was somewhat stubborn!

This isn't to say that the world always adapts to your whims. I don't believe in that rose coloured glasses version of events. Crap happens, not everyone can be at the top of the tree, we can't all be "Tall Poppies". But, it's important to trust yourself, try, see what happens, and be adaptable and open to possibilities.

.