International Students - targets for bullies and sexual predators.

International students can have an extremely difficult time when studying overseas. There are often issues of painful, sometimes debilitating homesickness, insecurity, confusion and loss.

They can feel resented by the local students and may in turn feel resentful. There are challenges in understanding the nuances of lectures presented in rapid-fire English, and local idiom can be a minefield for those who learnt a very formal version of The Queen’s English. There can be difficulties finding part time work and not understanding the local culture, businesses and expectations.

In their home country, the international student can be confident, capable and resilient.  Navigating and adapting to new experiences and cultural mores without the support of their family and friends can result in the student feeling overwhelmed. The initial excitement and anticipation of studying overseas can develop into realising they need extra support.

In comparison, local students can appear confident with their studies and quite relaxed with members of staff. There may be an appearance of easy informality which is at odds with the respect and compliance towards authority figures at home. Apparently casual relationships at work or at their college can make it difficult for the international student to be alert to, and aware of, inappropriate behaviour by a more powerful person.

These challenges can result in some students being vulnerable to being targeted by various types of bullies, but particularly by sexual predators. The student is confused, lost and alone, and a kind, understanding person who appears to be offering support, local knowledge, warmth, friendship and help seems very welcome. 

The goal of sexual predators is to gain the trust of their target in very gradual, apparently safe and inoffensive stages. Every move the predator initially makes may appear normal, but is in fact calculated so that the target becomes increasingly trusting, familiar, comfortable and reliant on the person. If you express doubts or concerns these will be dismissed as worrying too much, being silly, or an over-reaction. Early meetings are designed to calm and allay any suspicion of inappropriate behaviour, but in reality the predator's goal is to manipulate and control.

Signs of inappropriate behaviour
A student or employee shouldn’t meet their manager, teacher or lecturer on the weekend. When you’re lonely, the attraction of going out with someone who “knows the ropes” and offers to take you for coffee and perhaps to an art show could be attractive, however the blurring of boundaries between professional and private life should always be discouraged.

I’ll repeat that, because it’s so important. It is never acceptable for a lecturer, teacher, counsellor or boss to invite you out. There may be meetings where the whole class or team is involved, that's fine. One on one? Never. Interactions between the authority figure and student should always be strictly professional and formal.  

Employees of an organisation should never give you their private business card or encourage you to contact them after hours. There are accepted professional boundaries which have been established for everyone’s safety. Advertising a private business on company time is not allowed. A reputable employee won’t do this.

A teacher or manager shouldn’t touch you and will appologise if this happens unintentionally. There should be professional physical and emotional distance between a person in authority such as teacher and student, or manager and employee.

If you happen to be looking at detailed information on a computer screen this will be arranged so you’re not physically touching. Your knees and hands won’t touch, “accidentally on purpose” and if they do, you won’t be made to feel foolish for complaining or drawing attention to the fact that this is not appropriate. It’s not to be expected, it’s not acceptable and any concern you express should be respected.

If you feel uncomfortable, your discomfort should be taken seriously. You shouldn’t be told you’ve mistaken the intention or have your unease minimised or dismissed. You shouldn't be made to feel confused or be blamed for feeling uncomfortable.  

In an appropriate professional relationship, sexual comments won’t be made, photos of a sexual nature won’t be shown or referred to and there should be no suggestion of being involved in spending time viewing nude art even if that includes attending a reputable art gallery. If this has happened to you, let someone know, perhaps a teacher or co-worker. To clarify, if you’re enrolled in an art class, and the entire group attends an art show as an integral part of the course, that’s acceptable. Being alone with a person in authority or even with one other person in an out of hours situation; no. 

Inappropriate sexual behaviour of this nature is against organisational rules of conduct, and is illegal. Doctors and psychologists can be de-registered if found guilty of misconduct of this nature.

Unfortunately, some counsellors and career counsellors aren't formally registered and choose to disregard accepted standards of professional conduct. 

When you’re lonely and far from home, when you’re unsure of the roles and expectations in your new environment and are comforted by a smiling, reassuring, confident person who makes you feel special, who knows some of your personal details and who offers support and friendship such as coffee and an outing, or visits to shows where there may be nudity, be very wary and concerned. If it appears too good to be true, it probably is too good to be true, and down the line, there could be a distressing cost. 

Sexual predators make friends with people who feel vulnerable, and who don't have a strong support network.  They'll begin by nurturing a relationship which will feel good, reassuring and safe.  Unlike a genuine friendship, the relationship with a predator will slowly change.  You'll start to feel uncomfortable when exposed to inappropriate material and suggestions, and you'll begin to feel emotionally manipulated although his explanations may still appear innocent and plausible. Eventually, there may be overt or subtle blackmail, and your emotions won’t be respected when you try to assert yourself. 

When the boundaries between professional and private life have been blurred by the dominant person, you are unlikely to  have the skills to deal with the experience alone especially if the person is a serial predator. The predator will try to normalise the behaviour and allay your concerns, however there is no excuse for unprofessional conduct and the sooner you seek help, the better.

If you're concerned that you may be the target of a sexual predator at work, at your place of worship or where you're studying, seek help. Talk to other students, teachers, the student union. A discussion with your doctor or a private counsellor who has experience in these issues will be confidential, and there is no shame in seeking help.  Your experiences should be validated and you won't be blamed for what has happened. In many cases, the sexual predator will have a history of similar complaints, possibly going back many years.

The counsellor will give you skills in how to manage the situation and offer ongoing support. If there have been other complaints about a particular person in the organisation, you may be asked for a statement to add to a file of evidence. The best way for these predators to be stopped is to gather evidence from those who've been preyed on. When you talk to someone in authority the pattern of behaviour can be identified over time and action can be taken.

You can feel overwhelmed, alone and crushed by the experience of being targeted by a sexual predator. Seeking help from someone experienced in the area is vital.

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David Yamada, who presents excellent information about workplace bullying over at Minding the Workplace, has posted about bullying and sexual harassment of students and cites a study about this resulting in increased alcohol consumption.

There's a bit more on the patterns investigators into bullying and harassment look for here: http://traverselife.blogspot.com.au/2011/04/y-you-can-do-something-if-youre-being.html

Other reasons you might be a target:
http://traverselife.blogspot.com.au/2011/04/w-why-me-personal-and-professional.html.

The serial bully: http://traverselife.blogspot.com.au/2011/04/u-underestimate-unrelenting-workplace.html

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Posted by Sue Travers

X. The 'X' factor - why some people act with integrity and others don't - Workplace bullying

The 'X' factor

Why some people go to ground and others act with strength integrity and support the target.

Those who so stand up to bullies, whether by surviving the assault, as whistle blowers or by adding evidence to the growing file against the serial bully are showing courage, determination and integrity. Their motives are as varied as the people. Some say "It's wrong, I have no choice" others " I'm not  prepared to compromise my own values and watch this wrongdoing, I don't want to, but it's necessary", others "If I don't do something, who will?" and on workplace sexual predators "I want people like this ousted so my daughters never have to put up with this evil".  One client said "Management have allowed this to go on for over ten years. Most people stay a maximum of a couple of months then leave. I'm going to fight it." Some simply want the world to be a better, more harmonious place.

East Side Gallery. Berlin. 2009

Too few onlookers have the courage and strength to stand up against bullying, harassment and corruption. Many otherwise good people turn a blind eye in the presence of an aggressor, particularly a devious, manipulative and possibly charming one. They may feel vulnerable themselves, and are relieved that they have been spared the trauma and are glad they can sit back and watch the unfolding drama. Some may even feel guilty for being complicit in the charade of protecting a serial bully. To speak out may force them to face their own inadequacies.

Understanding of bullying is improving, but too many uninvolved onlookers still state the target should have been stronger and stood up for themselves. I've often heard the phrase: "if you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen", or "that person was so weak they left".

Some colleagues will say "I didn't know what to do" (so they don't do anything) or deny having been present when the bullying occurred. Turning a blind eye is less stressful, and at least it keeps the focus off them. They choose not to see what is happening.

Others will refuse to assist in providing supportive evidence when invited, possibly adding to an "us and them" culture and creating divisions in the department that are may be difficult to heal.  I recently heard the statement: "I was curious to see how the new person would handle x" (x being the department bully) much the same as if this was a bit of a game. This same person enjoyed being an onlooker at school when there were fights, and appeared to get some pleasure from the exchanges.  It reminded me of the descriptions of the Roman Circus where people were fed to the lions in front of thousands of enthusiastic spectators or when watching a hanging was considered a fine form of entertainment.

In instances of sexual predators, some colleagues will try to normalise the bullying attacks as "Oh you must have misunderstood, I'm sure he didn't mean it", or "He's a sad and lonely man, I feel sorry for him"  and by implication you should too. No, a serial bully should be exposed and held to account no matter what prestigious position they hold. Normalising the behaviour encourages the bully to continue unabated and immune from censure. Silence equals consent in the eyes of the bully, and when there is a perceived power differential, they'll use this for their own end, confident that the weaker person will remain silent. Co workers can be a life line for the target.

In environments where the bullying is deeply entrenched, it may be regarded as "normal" behaviour. Where employees have not experienced a genuinely normal work environment, they are conned into believing this is how all workplaces operate. When they eventually leave they express astonishment at how much stress they were under and how they had come to accept the bullying as something that happened in all workplaces.

Unless you have experienced serial bullying yourself, or know someone who has, it may be incomprehensible to understand the level of torment dished out relentlessly and maliciously day after day, month after month. If you're in a workplace where a bully operates, think about what small contribution you could make either to expose the bullying behaviour, or to support the target. Sharing stories, supporting the target, kind words and networking with other like minded people - the smallest effort is so much better than choosing to condone behaviour which is completely unacceptable.

These words on part of the Berlin Wall at the East Side Gallery
are also appropriate in tackling workplace bullying.

Why else do onlookers stand against bullying?

What other support can they give a bullied colleague of friend?

Here tomorrow Y: You. What you can do?

There are many outstanding resources on line. A couple I find useful are Bullying. No way! an Australian resource for teachers and students, and a UK site Bully On Line. eBossWatch on Facebook has links to current articles and discussion. This is in no way an exhaustive list, and each country will no doubt have equally good or more relevant websites. If you're being bullied please seek advice from a professional health care practitioner experienced in this area.

Over at jumpingaground I'm spending the month Drabbling using alliteration.

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J. Journal - Bullying

This post is for the letter J in the A-Z Blogging Challenge 2011. See link in sidebar.

Don't underestimate the importance of keeping a journal as soon as you suspect you may be the target of a bully.

Expect all your allegations to be denied vehemently, for your character and conduct to be called into question, for everything you say to be twisted and manipulated to make it appear you are the bully and are victimizing the actual bully. Bullies are devious, malicious, undermining and not to be trusted to act like ordinary people.

You need hard evidence of the many seemingly insignificant events, comments and actions. Each may appear trivial on its own, but in an investigation there needs to be evidence of the pattern of persistent, repeated comments and events to see the big picture.

Sometimes it can seem that you're being crushed by the need to gather evidence.

For some serial bullying offenders evidence of their abuse of different targets may go back many, many years. Each target may have felt that what happened could have been a one off occurrence and didn't warrant a formal complaint, or has been encouraged not to make a formal complaint because the offender is being protected by an accomplice.  A complaint may bring disrepute on the organisation - think of all the organisations who cover up for bullies and sexual predators for fear of ruining their good reputation. Go above them and ensure it is on record - it's not easy, and you may need support to do this. When everything is accumulated, a very different picture emerges, the person will be seen to be sneaky, vile serial offender.

Some messages make
you feel dreadful

Keep ALL emails, text messages and voice mail - especially when it is so underhanded and vicious it makes you want to vomit and get rid of it from your life immediately. Unfortunately a lot of evidence is removed by the target because they feel so sickened and disgusted by the comments.

Keep everything off site as you can expect your personal effects to be gone through and tampered with, removed or 'doctored'. Remember you're not dealing with someone with the same moral values as you might expect in a normal situation. A normal person doesn't need to bully others.

The bully is two-faced and will attempt to play one person or group off against another, they are amazingly good at this, and you may question how someone you thought was perceptive has been conned by such a sly snake.

In your journal, keep note of comments, dates, times and all instances of bullying. If possible have others verify your entries; although this is not essential, it can add weight to your case.

You will need to gather evidence (I can't emphasise this enough) talk about what is happening with people you trust, see if they've observed or experienced untoward events, if they have, encourage them to report these to any investigation. Even then it may not be enough.

It's helpful to have the support of strong people around you,
who are prepared to stand tall.

Here tomorrow: Known triggers


There are many outstanding resources on line. A couple I find useful are Bullying. No way! an Australian resource for teachers and students, and a UK site Bully On Line. This is in no way an exhaustive list, and each country will no doubt have equally good or more relevant websites. If you're being bullied please seek advice from a professional health care practitioner experienced in this area.


Click here to find out how to do a hyperlink signature

Over at jumpingaground I'm spending the month Drabbling using alliteration, mostly with an environmental theme.
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Strong women

I've been thinking today of my strong women friends, clients and colleagues who have been the victims of workplace bullying and sexual predators. In truth they haven't been "victims". That word seems to conjure up visions of people who have given in, and these women certainly haven't done that. They have, by their tenacity and courage, bucked the system and stood firm, in effect saying "ENOUGH!"

How strong they've been to stick by their values and go against the stream of "Let it be dear." "Ignore it and it'll go away" kind of advice. Or the sad, and untrue "He didn't mean it, you must have misunderstood".

How alone they've felt at times, they've all questioned their motives and wisdom. One, I know, stood firm in the clear knowledge that if she didn't, then the problems would persist with others, until the perpetrator eventually retired. After all, this had been going on for far too many years, known, but ignored by those who could have 'nipped it in the bud', the person moved on from job to job, smilingly giving plausible reasons for being made redundant.

Our whistle blowers are possibly never emotionally prepared for the toll their actions will take on their mental and physical health. How could they be? They're generally alone in speaking out at the organization, and it can take months to find the courage to approach the union or human resources management:  The very nature of the offenses can be sneaky and hidden so there are no witnesses,  or else so blatant that you are unsure if it could have been accidental after all.

The 'victim' has been deliberately chosen; they might be alone, vulnerable, insecure or new to the position. The perpetrator in all the cases I've been privy to, is an established member of that workplace, seemingly respected, and with a strong connection to management.

This is a celebration of ethical behaviour and strong values! Well done my friends! I believe each of you began - almost innocently - alerting the management to untoward events. Each of you started a journey that took well over a year exposing the perpetrator. Justice, no matter how insignificant, was such a long time coming.

Would you do it again? Knowing what you know now?

The actions of those who have suffered bullying or intimidation and who have found the strength to stand firm, has come at huge personal cost. You deserve to be showered in rose petals and have beautiful marble monuments erected, so that others can learn from you, and be inspired. Instead, far too many of you are still shunned as trouble makers.

And what of the others who were there before you, who left without "creating trouble". What damage has been done and what silent cries are buried by those who weren't believed and supported?