Budget grumbles -1. Media

It's Interesting that after the disastrous budget, the Murdoch media is currently working overtime to vilify students and disability pensioners, and whilst it makes a welcome change from the prejudice directed towards asylum seekers and the lies surrounding their issues, it's no less repugnant. They are however providing a wonderfully rich resource for teachers, particularly those working with English, clear thinking, logic, media and even maths students. 

The ferals are revolting! 

There is no room for misunderstanding the reaction expected of the reader, who is now primed to agree and demonise those who are protesting, without having any idea who they are or what they're protesting about.

The Daily Telegraph directs us to focus on a small group of presumably angry protesters and a prominent policeman. Did the photographer or some other person encourage the people to point dramatically? Is the policeman placed there to remind us that ferals need to be kept in their place? A quiet, orderly protest isn't nearly as dramatic as one with "action". 

One wonders how the picture has been cropped. Who was to the right of the person in purple? Was it someone older who’d benefitted from the free education enjoyed by many of the Prime Ministers generation and who believes that a well resourced and equitable education system, available to the whole population, makes for a strong and vibrant society? Was it a man under 30 living in an area of high unemployment, wondering how he'll support his family if he's laid off. 6 months without unemployment benefits is a long time. What has been cropped is just as important as what has been highlighted.

The huge headline LIVING ON EASY STREET is dramatically placed under the action shot of people pointing.  A cursory glance would imply that living on easy street refers to those vile and scary 'ferals' - it doesn't, and is completely unrelated. Nothing about the disastrous poll, nothing prominent about the diverse and valid reasons for the protests. No insight provided for curious readers.

In contrast, note the almost sombre tone of the Sydney Morning Herald where poll results are placed prominently, reflecting the strong and angry reaction by ordinary, everyday Australians to the budget. Further information is provided for those choosing to delve further. 

Everyday Australians targeted
For some details about how ordinary, everyday Australians, our neighbours, and others in our communities will be affected by this unfair budget look here. There you'll find some of the figures that which are usually shared openly on budget night. 

More than one third of the budget cuts - $6 billion - fall on the middle quintile of households, earning $45,000 to $63,000. 

■ Families with school-age children are the hardest hit. Across all income groups, they will lose $15.9 billion over four years, more than 90 per cent of the total. 

■ Low and middle-income sole parents suffer worst of all, losing between 10 and 15 per cent of their annual income - $4000 to $6250 - on family earnings of less than $60,000 by the time the changes to welfare take full effect in 2017-18. 

■ The burden rises sharply for families with children over the four years of the budget. For example, a sole parent earning $60,000 with children aged eight and 12 will lose $1808 in annual income in 2014-15 and $6278 in 2017-18. 

Low- and middle-income earners, especially those with school-age children, are hit hardest as the family tax benefit for single-income families is abolished and indexation is curbed. 

And that's fair? To target low and middle income earners yet not the wealthy?

...

The Daily Telegraph ran a front-page story about there being more people on disability in NSW than died during the World Wars. 

In what way is this relevant? In what sad world is encouraging readers to further marginalise and sneer at disability pensioners, rather than show compassion and understanding  considered acceptable?

Apart from them apparently running the same divisive line a few years ago, they chose a picture of a long queue of people appearing to line up to receive their disability payments. Placed carefully next to a picture of diggers we're encouraged to agree - Diggers did it tough. They suffered. Disability pensioners aren't as worthy as them. 

It turns out this photo is a fairly common piece of royalty-free stock imagery. A Google image search finds this and this and this. It's not related to real Australians on pensions.

But it's too easy to just cruelly vilify those on disability support, and imply that they're bludgers rather than give accurate, reasoned and intelligent insight into the real issues. There's a more thorough assessment here.

This kind of manipulation appears designed to influence and deflect the anger so many feel against the cruel budget. It's a blatant attempt to discredit our fellow citizens who have genuine concerns about how they'll manage with a variety of cuts and persistently increasing costs. These tactics target those least able to respond, and look like a smelly smokescreen to take people's minds off the real issues of inequity, unfairness and a wider gap between the have's and have not's that will be the outcome of the budget . 

AXE THE TAX

Is everybody really being asked to help with the heavy lifting?

Who isn't being supported by this budget? What happened to the end of the age of entitlement?

Is the government able to maturely handle the anger directed at them in response to their unfair budget? Do they need the Murdoch press to shield them by pointing the manipulative finger of outrage towards those negatively affected? (rhetorical question) 

When mining companies were threatened with a fair tax, they used their extraordinary financial resources and complained loud and long. Why is it ok for exceptionally profitable, multinational mining companies to protest, yet not ordinary Australian citizens? Is anyone in government able to explain, without resorting to predetermined cliches, why those least able to pay are being hit hardest, while those most able are barely touched? (another rhetorical question)

to be continued... here Budget Grumbles 2. Education and unemployment.

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Suddenly my job seems pointless.

People sometimes say about their workplace: "I'm thinking of chucking it all in. I can't stand this place any longer."

Others come to see me with stories along the lines of "I'd just bought a morning coffee and realised I couldn't face going back to work. I phoned my boss from the car to say I wouldn't return. Ever."

While the latter is more extreme, it's not uncommon and often leaves the employer as stunned as the former employee.

People who've walked out of their workplace never to return, usually say they weren't conscious of being particularly unhappy. It was as if something surfaced from deep within resulting in a sense of physical revulsion. They talk of a feeling of bewilderment; of having been as surprised as everyone else by this unprovoked and out of character action.

Often they'll sit at home for a week or more trying to make sense of what's happened to them, but this doesn't always lead to particularly useful insights.

To result in this dramatic reaction, something has been deeply out of kilter, and after discussion it generally becomes clear that personal values haven't been acknowledged by the employee or have been trampled on by a manager. However, because values aren't usually discussed in any meaningful way in western culture, it's likely that they haven't been acknowledged or clarified in the person's private life.

What can you do (right now) if you have a sudden overwhelming feeling of revulsion about work and are feeling caught in a web that you can't seem to escape from?

• Stop.
• If possible find somewhere quiet to sit. (To answer the unspoken question: Yes, some people can only find peace in the washroom. It usually provides privacy and you hopefully won't be interrupted!) 
• Breathe slowly and regularly. Take in 3 deep breaths and let them out in a controlled  s l o w  manner. It's harder to panic when you're focused on filling your lungs with air!
• Do a body scan: Mentally audit your limbs, organs, torso and head to get a sense of where the tension has settled - you'll notice a tightness, lump, sense of suffocation or queasiness somewhere when you pause quietly and take time to systematically check in. A body scan can sometimes be a quick process or can take a half hour or more. Don't shortchange yourself by rushing!
• Now, most importantly, when you sense where the discomfort is, stay settled. It's perfectly normal and tempting to avoid mental discomfort and metaphorically run - by turning on the radio or TV, picking up a book, checking social media or deciding you need a cup of coffee ..... Stick with it, you'll thank yourself later on.
• Some people report mentally "seeing" a writhing lump of spaghetti-like substance, others use dreary colours to describe an immovable mass. The description is as individual as you are and there are no right or wrong descriptions.
• Acknowledge and make room for the discomfort. As I mentioned, some people report the feeling of a golf ball in the throat, difficulty breathing or nausea.  Don't try to push the sensation down, belittle the feelings, pretend they don't exist or be scornful and call yourself weak (see Do you bully yourself?) It can be hard to believe, but these feelings are perfectly normal amongst regular everyday people, mums, dads, aunties and uncles, whether they're high flying executives in powerful positions, TV presenters or comedians, artists or doctors. They're part of the human condition and most of us experience them from time to time. 
• As Russ Harris says; now observe the sensation as a curious scientist would. Not with heavy ham-fisted aggression, but gently and with interest. Some people look at the shape, colour and form of the discomfort and find it changes as they take time and allow it to be. (This sounds a bit weird and hippy, but isn't when you do it.)
• And the part which I personally find most powerful is this bit: instead of squashing down the unpleasant sensation, and metaphorically stomping on it to try to make it go away because it hurts and isn't nice, give it a bit of room. Make space for it. Let it stretch. Again, this sounds weird until you do it. What happens then is that it's not quite so horribly uncomfortable. It doesn't go away, it hasn't vanished, but you're not fighting it. 
• Instead of spending time and energy persistently battering uncomfortable feelings down, you give them their own space and whilst you mightn't be great mates you can co-exist with tolerance and acceptance. 
• Next think about your values. If you've completed a formal values clarification exercise, review it, starting with the ones that are not negotiable. Is there something out of kilter there? Something which surfaces when you give it time and space? Work gently through your list one at a time. 
• If you haven't completed a values clarification exercise, the following might be helpful: 

a) from The Confidence Gap by Russ Harris
b) a worksheet from Kelly Wilson adapted by Russ Harris

• It could be that it's not an unethical workplace which is the issue, but that your home life (which you value deeply) is being swamped by work demands leaving you depleted and feeling that something important is passing you by.

And while it may be that nothing will change immediately, by spending time quietly thinking about what's important in your life, you'll gain clarity and understanding and this knowledge will empower you to take appropriate committed action. 

Appropriate action could be to make deliberate changes in relation to conflicting demands on your time: To make space for, and prioritise family, exercise, wholesome food and to give yourself time to enjoy these things. 

Appropriate action could be more confronting too. Once you've become aware of what is disturbing you, how will you respond? If for instance, a colleague is being harassed, which conflicts with your deeply held value of social justice, you'll need to choose how to respond. Will you speak up and be supportive or not? If you don't speak up, you'll experience further conflict - if you do there are costs (and advantages) to that decision as well. When you choose to live in line with your values, it makes some decisions obvious - but that doesn't necessarily make the resulting action easy. 

Without knowledge of what has unsettled you, you'll be making decisions in reaction to something and not proactively from a base of knowledge. 

If doing this alone doesn't work for you, find a coach or trainer who works from a base of values and contact them. The ACBS website is a good place to start and has members throughout the world.


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Attending the ACT Boot Camp in the USA

I've just been to the USA - well to be honest, just a tiny portion of it, around Reno, Nevada and just a few small areas of California.

Like many professionals, to remain registered with our associations we have to accrue a certain amount of PD (Professional Development) points per annum. This is to show that we're up to date, moving with the times and not allowing dust to gather under our feet. For my association, (the CDAA - Career Development Association of Australia) we can include attending relevant training or conferences, writing articles which are published, reading and mentoring among other things.

I enjoy conferences, it's a great way to meet with colleagues from around the country and share experiences - both the joys and frustrations of our work and learn new things in a concentrated environment.

Training:
This year, however,  I wanted to extend my skills in a specific area, so when information about an ACT Boot Camp in the US appeared in my in-box I was delighted ... except that ... well ... it was in the US, and that's not just down the road. A 15 hour direct flight isn't something to be tackled lightly when you're travelling economy, even when the fares are heavily discounted. That's fifteen, long, boring hours, with crying babies, coughing adults and smoking deprived addicts, cooped up, farting, twitching, and generally desperately wishing they were somewhere else, mostly safely on the ground at their destination. QANTAS is a good airline, but 15 hours is stretching the friendship quite a bit.

But four days of intense training in ACT was extremely attractive! My training so far has been with Dr Russ Harris, (there's more about him, his books and work here) and he's great. But this boot camp would give me the opportunity to meet Dr Steve Hayes and other influential people in the field, learn more, and would be relevant for both my clients and myself.

Core Values:
Encouraging clients to think about their core values is how I work. When you know what's important to you, it provides a solid basis on which to make career and life choices, and ACT is both mindfully and values based. It complements career development for those wanting to make decisions which will support their life goals and values. Perfect!

Four solid days of training were offered, 8:30 am till 9:30 pm, an hour for lunch, and a dinner break of 1 1/2 hours - a couple of meagre tea breaks were included. That's full on! Would I have the stamina to last the distance? I could see why Dr Steve Hayes called it a Boot Camp, even though that's not an expression we use frequently for anything other than extremely demanding exercise classes.

Reno has never been on the short list of places I wanted to visit, but with the Yosemite, Sequoia and Death Valley National Parks not far off, I decided to extend the trip and have a bit of a holiday as well (after all it is such a very long way to travel if you only stay a few days!). This is the land of the TV shows I watched as a child, the wild west, rugged landscapes and familiar place names. (More about this over at jumping aground soon.)

And it was fantastic! More than 360 people attended, mostly from the US, but also from Belgium, France, Israel, South America, Ireland, London and of course Australia!

Casino:
A casino seemed to be an unusual place to hold the training, but the facilities were excellent and we fitted comfortably into the conference room.  I'd rarely go into a casino as they remind me of a large parasite, sucking the lifeblood out of their victims who have been enticed into the lair. The machines seem like voracious pulsating stomach and intestines. This casino was huge; multi levelled, glittery, maze-like, airconditioned and soulless. Few gamblers appeared happy and seemed to be in a zombie like state. I wonder if they go home after a weekend of gambling and eating and say they've had a fantastic time? There must be some attraction I'm missing or the places would go broke and that never seems to happen!

I'm told the Boot Camp attendees stood out like the proverbial sore thumb as appearing very different to the gambling patrons, perhaps it's because many of us not only dressed for comfort and had note books and name badges, but showed complete disinterest in the "attractions" on offer.

But I digress; back to the ACT Boot Camp! There were so many benefits to attending training out of my own country. I didn't know anyone so couldn't take the easy option of sitting with people I already knew. Every person I met was interesting and generously shared information about their work life and the challenges which are so different to what I experience in Australia. The training was structured so that we quickly dropped the facade of "all is well" and shared information about fears, insecurities, and the personal challenges and hurts which affect us all ... we all have some sort of demons to contend with.

Whilst Australia and the US share a common language (more or less), we don't appear to share similar work experiences or opportunities. The bulk of the attendees seemed to be social workers and psychologists working in government departments or institutions of some sort, and I was certainly in the minority being a career counsellor working privately - yet in Australia, this isn't uncommon. It seems that the closest work title to being a career counsellor for adults would be a life coach. Specific career development discussions seem to be provided mostly for students or through companies providing outplacement services for redundant workers (a term that was considered quite harsh by the Americans) or for veterans (who we refer to as returned service personnel).

I talked with those at my shared table about how I already use ACT in career development work with my clients. Much of what I learnt at the Boot Camp is applicable to people who are unhappy in their careers, who are the targets of bullying, seeking a new direction or who are uncertain about course choices - it's definitely not only for people struggling with PTSD, addictions or abuse, although it's been consistently shown to be of benefit to those groups.

I'm glad I went. ACT complements career development beautifully. I've extended my skills, met some wonderful welcoming people, shared information, hopes and dreams as well as personal challenges and learnt more than I dreamed was likely or possible. I've been enriched by the training as well as the travel experience - for all my initial questions about the value of attending overseas training, it was a worthwhile investment!

wikipedia information on ACT
A non-academic article about ACT by Dr Russ Harris here




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Book review: “Working with Bitches: Identify the Eight Types of Office Mean Girls and Rise Above Workplace Nastiness” by Meredith Fuller

US edition available 2013!

If you've never worked with a bitch, it's hard to understand the anguish it can bring day after long day, week after long week. It's almost impossible to imagine the impact it can have on every aspect of your life; sleeping can be disrupted while you churn over the day, eating can be problematic and leisure time eroded with the ongoing distress of belittling, malicious and downright nasty behaviour. Frustration, self doubt, anger, confusion and exhaustion are words commonly used to attempt to describe the experience. "Working with Bitches" isn't a pop psychology book. It's solidly grounded in theory, knowledge and the experience of working with a diverse range of clients over many years. Meredith Fuller is a loved and respected Melbourne psychologist who interviewed a wide range of women for the stories selected, to shed light on different kinds of bitchy behaviour. The stories give a sense of the personal challenges many women face in working with bitches. They are a glimpse into a wide range of unhealthy workplace dynamics - some are harrowing and you wonder how anyone gets away with such appalling behaviour. All the stories are very readable, and I found myself identifying behaviours I'd seen in different workplaces in a new and helpful way. Not only are the behaviours named and clearly identified, but the possible effect of the behaviour on the target is outlined, along with an explanation of why the bitch may behave in a particular way. Equally helpful are realistic suggestions for dealing with the challenging boss or co-worker and practical strategies are presented in a series of 'what to do' lists. Throughout the book are reminders that not all nasty, mean behaviour is bitchy, even though it may appear that way. There could well be other causes, and in addition there may be a need at some stage for deep self reflection as well. The second part of the book delves more deeply into psychological issues and I found I needed to concentrate more carefully. The possible role of fear and archetypes are discussed as well as different communication styles: for instance a preference for either using the head (Thinking) or heart (Feeling) can lead to difficulty with communication. Age related issues are also discussed, with the possibility for difference and misunderstandings explained helpfully. Whilst "Working with Bitches" has been written by a woman, for women who are working with bitches, I'll certainly buy a copy for my son. I believe it'll give him an insight into behaviours that may otherwise have been perplexing or even have gone unnoticed. The sections on communication styles, learning to say no, managing workplace stress, and strategies for deciding whether to stay or leave an unsatisfactory workplace are equally as relevant to him and other men as they are to women in the workforce. Disclaimer: Meredith Fuller was one of my psychology lecturers when I was at college some 25+ years ago. She was inspirational, enthusiastic and knowledgeable. We came into contact again a couple of years back when we were facilitating Myers Briggs Type Inventory (MBTI) workshops with university students. Meredith has included some of my workplace experiences in the book, however I receive no freebies or financial gain from book sales.  My personal interest in, and professional experience of supporting targets of workplace bullying and bitchiness goes back many years.  I am pleased to celebrate Meredith Fuller's hard work and enthusiasm which have led to the publication of this excellent, helpful and readable book. .

A tiny amount of effort can make the world of difference.

Imagine for a moment that you're in a workplace, and there have been a few veiled comments that someone you know, but aren't particularly close to is being bullied. Let's for the moment call her Sheila, but it could as easily be Chip, Ahn, Stephan, Narasimha or Lee.

What's it to you? After all Sheila has friends, you've seen them going for a walk, chatting over lunch and you know they sometimes go out for a drink after work some Fridays.

But Sheila looks dreadful, she seems weighed down and no longer makes witty quips to her friends. The spring has gone from her step and you've heard she no longer goes out for lunchtime walks or to the Pub after work. She has become hesitant, nervous, wary and on edge, sometimes snapping for no apparent reason.

What comes as a surprise to many people is that whilst they know the target of a bully needs support it's rare for that person to be receiving the level of support they desperately need. I'm not referring to assistance from HR or legal options. I'm talking about the little everyday things that help make life bearable, so that the target doesn't feel so dreadfully, painfully alone.

Clearly, something is wrong with Sheila. Perhaps it's more than a temporarily grumpy boss, and she is being systematically hounded, harassed, mobbed or bullied.

But
a) you don't know what to do
b) you think someone else is helping/supporting - she's got lots of friends, right?
c) you think that what you have to offer is too minimal to make a difference

It's so easy to assume that someone else is helping. But there are all sorts of reasons this may not happen: One person may be struggling with their own issues and not notice, another may be concerned that if they're seen to support they will become the next target, and many others think "Surely her closer friends are helping. I'm not really that important to her." (More on this here)

Time and time again, I've had people say to me: "I felt so alone, it's like no-one noticed or cared."

My request to you is to show you care. Never assume the target has allies. The bully regularly has cronies, they can be powerful, nasty, vicious and unrelenting in their subtle and not so subtle undermining ways. The target rarely has the same level of support.

The simplest of things can make all the difference and let the target know they're not alone. In all sorts of unobtrusive ways you can show you care. A "thinking of you" text or email. A stick-it note with a smiley face or amateurish sketch of a bunch of flowers or clown. A kind word. An offer to have a coffee together. An email with a beautiful/inspiring/amusing photo attached. You don't really need to say much or commit to deep involvement. A variety of support is important, and your role may not need to be more than this.

Tactful support is mostly welcome; ask if you're unsure. Remember, you may be the only person to show you care. 

Here's a link to a post describing a situation I've witnessed far too many times - the tell tale signs of abuse and the debilitating suffering and legacy of unrelenting bullying.

Examples of artistic creativity might give the target hope
and remind them there is beauty in the world.

There's more information that could support the target here, here and here, and a book review on "Working with Mean Girls" by Meredith Fuller (which is equally relevant to men!)

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Climate Matters. K is for out of Kilter

This is for K in the A-Z blogging challenge 2012. Link in the sidebar.


Many of us are acutely aware that the world as we've known it is changing. It's evident in the unsettled climate and unpredictable, extreme weather systems which are out of kilter leaving many of us feeling acutely uncomfortable.

For the past 40 or so years, we've focused on working excessively long hours, maybe at jobs we don't particularly like, commuting long distances in heavy peak hour traffic, negotiating aggressive, abusive drivers, becoming tense and irritable not only with ourselves but with our frazzled time poor families. Trucks, noise and fumes assault our senses while we mindlessly scoff sugary snacks simply to get us through the stress and as a "treat" for surviving. Out of kilter indeed.

The words temperance and moderation are considered old fashioned, as we've been encouraged to consume more and more at a faster and faster pace, forcing us to work crazy hours a two or three jobs simply to make repayments on "essential" goods we often have little time to enjoy. Houses large enough to double as a boutique hotel are considered normal, purchased with borrowed money and astronomical repayments that can feel more like a stifling life sentence.

Some of my male clients confess that they're empty inside, life feels futile and pointless, yet they appear to have "everything". It's often only when their marriage falls apart that they stop and question the vortex they've become caught in.

It can be confronting to realise that the lifestyle we've fallen into isn't meeting our fundamental human needs: happiness, time for relaxation, and making space and time to feed ourselves with wholesome food and nurture ourselves and those we love.

Many of my clients say they've forgotten what it's like to slow down and just be...

• that they're not sure who they'll find
• if there's anyone even there any more
• that they don't know who they are
• what they want
• what they believe in
• and whose values they're following anyway
• and when they stop they feel empty, unsure, afraid - so it's easier not to stop 
• like they've sold their soul and are feeding an addiction that they weren't aware they had 

This out of kilter habit can be broken, and whilst it might initially seem outrageous, a complete break to take stock and visit or revisit your values alone, then with your partner can be be a first step in looking at what makes a rich, full and meaningful life for you.

It's generally not something we do when we're young and may have fallen into a job without examining what it is that we value in life. We may have plodded along for years feeling vaguely dissatisfied and frustrated. Sometimes it's only when crap happens that we're confronted with the need to question and perhaps change unhealthy patterns.

Often in the act of stopping, sharing and reflecting, a new way of thinking is permitted to grow. You might choose to attend a class on sustainable living, learn to cook your own fast, nourishing foods, explore a long ignored desire to learn a language, or enrol in further study for your career.  All of these things feed into our capacity as humans to be creative learners, to be revitalised and to adapt better to a changing world. We become more flexible, less rigid, more independent and enthusiastic and less willing to follow the advertising machine blindly and without question.

In the process, some people decide that having less will actually lead them to have more. They realise there is a choice and choose to downsize and make purchases mindfully.

We've become so accustomed to being out of kilter living at breakneck speed, that it's easy to forget that having an enormous mortgage, constant pressure and irritability isn't written into our DNA. It doesn't have to be the blueprint for the future.

Borrowed money can feel like a crushing burden.

What single step will you take today in the direction of your preferred future?

Last year I wrote about the Known triggers for bullying for K in my theme of workplace bullying. Here.
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Book review: "Working with Mean Girls" by Meredith Fuller

 - subtitled "Identifying and protecting yourself from workplace nastiness" (This book is sold in the US with the title Working with Bitches and is available as an ebook)

If you've never worked with a bitch, it's hard to understand the anguish it can bring day after long day, week after long week. It's almost impossible to imagine the impact it can have on every aspect of your life, sleeping can be disrupted while you churn over the day, eating can be problematic and leisure time eroded with the ongoing distress of belittling, malicious and downright nasty behaviour. Frustration, self doubt, anger, confusion and exhaustion are words commonly used to attempt to describe the experience.

"Working with Mean Girls" isn't a pop psychology book. It's solidly grounded in theory, knowledge and the experience of working with a diverse range of clients over many years. Meredith Fuller is a loved and respected Melbourne psychologist who interviewed a wide range of women for the stories selected, to shed light on different kinds of bitchy behaviour.

The stories give a sense of the personal challenges many women face in working with bitches. They are a glimpse into a wide range of unhealthy workplace dynamics - some are harrowing and you wonder how anyone gets away with such appalling behaviour. All the stories are very readable, and I found myself identifying behaviours I'd seen in different workplaces in a new and helpful way.

Meredith has identified 8 types of bitches and has named them for their predominant behaviour:

• the Excluder
• the Insecure
• the Toxic
• the Narcissist
• the Screamer
• the Liar
• the Incompetent
• the Not-a-Bitch

Not only are the behaviours named and clearly identified, but the possible effect of the behaviour on the target is outlined, along with an explanation of why the bitch may behave in a particular way. Equally helpful are realistic suggestions for dealing with the challenging boss or co-worker and practical strategies are presented in a series of 'what to do' lists.

Throughout the book are reminders that not all nasty, mean behaviour is bitchy, even though it may appear that way. There could well be other causes, and in addition there may be a need at some stage for deep self reflection as well.

The second part of the book delves more deeply into psychological issues and I found I needed to concentrate more carefully. The possible role of fear and archetypes are discussed as well as different communication styles: for instance a preference for either using the head (Thinking) or heart (Feeling) can lead to difficulty with communication.

Age related issues are also discussed, with the possibility for difference and misunderstandings explained helpfully.

Whilst "Working with Mean Girls" has been written by a woman, for women who are working with bitches, I'll certainly buy a copy for my son. I believe it'll give him an insight into behaviours that may otherwise have been perplexing or even have gone unnoticed. The sections on communication styles, learning to say no, managing workplace stress, and strategies for deciding whether to stay or leave an unsatisfactory workplace are equally as relevant to him as they are to women in the workforce.

Link here to a short promotional video for "Working with Mean Girls."

If you are dealing with a bitch at work or are the target of workplace bullying it's often helpful to seek professional support. Practicing some of the suggested strategies with an experienced counsellor can assist in getting the confidence to try new behaviours in the work setting or support you as you change direction.

Meredith Fuller - photo by Jordan Head

Disclaimer: Meredith Fuller was one of my psychology lecturers when I was at college some 25+ years ago. She was inspirational, enthusiastic and knowledgeable. We came into contact again a couple of years back when we were facilitating Myers Briggs Type Inventory (MBTI) workshops with university students. Meredith has included some of my workplace experiences in the book, however I receive no freebies or financial gain from book sales.

My personal interest in, and professional experience of supporting targets of workplace bullying and bitchiness goes back many years.  I was honoured to attend the launch of "Working with Mean Girls" on Feb 18, 2012 and am pleased to celebrate Meredith Fuller's hard work and enthusiasm which have led to the publication of this excellent, helpful and readable book.

Meredith with Andrea McNamara (Penguin publisher)
at the book launch Feb 18 2012.

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Deja vu - heart shaped?

Only one post!?

For brevity, I'll share a Drabble; it originally appeared on February 17 2011. My selection criteria? Short because it's a blog hop, but also showing my interest in social justice and careers.

Predatory employers suck the life out of the young and vulnerable, secure in the supreme right of their greed and avarice.

Say it’s for the good of society. That it represents progress and the might of the free world.

Democracy in action!

But really they love the feeling of power and all that that means.

Betray the trust of the innocent; exploit and manipulate vulnerable employees.

Desperate for work, children will take anything,

even washing bloated hearts in a pool, wearing ill fitting uniforms and inadequate wings.

Fixed smiles belie inner sadness.

They unwittingly support

the rampant commercialism

of

love.

*

This Drabble first appeared in The Burrow Valentine's feature 17 Feb 2011.  Thanks to Burrower's, Books & Balderdash for hosting.

A Drabble is a story told in 100 words. No more, no less.

Picture from Wikimedia commons.

On the 14th December I managed to whittle the year down to choose 12 13 favourite posts, and I thought that was hard! You can go here for a selection of themes, from social justice and workplace communication, to the healing process after being the target of ongoing bullying. 

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Workplace communication - "If you REALLY..."

Imagine before you a small child and a parent – the child is exploring notions of power. How much they have of it, where it begins and ends – not that they’d call it that or be aware of it, but for all intents and purposes that’s what it is.

The small child says, possibly with not much hope of success: “If you REALLY loved me, you’d buy me a pony.”

The parent, taken by surprise, wonders if they’re doing a good job of this parenting thing, may feel guilty for working long hours and not giving quality time to their child. Desperately wanting to be loved, the parent may not spare a thought about the pattern that could begin to evolve if they immediately satisfy the request and those that will inevitably follow. (I certainly don't mean to imply that life will be forever fraught if you give a child a gift, mostly things are fine!)

The child, grows into a young teenager and is asked to help with household chores, specifically to hang out the washing. Possibly embarrassed to be seen hanging out her mother’s bras and her father’s jocks, but more importantly having learnt to manipulate by trading on love, says in a plaintive, pleading tone (which she’s learnt tugs at her mothers heartstrings and brings the desired result): “If you REALLY loved me, I wouldn’t have to do chores and could go play with the other girls.”

Fast forward a couple of years. The youngster, now of driving age, and fully conscious of the power he holds, it having been reinforced time and time again, uses the proven technique: “If you REALLY loved me you’d buy me a car.”

Lo and behold, there’s a lovely new (to him) car. But, horror of horrors, one night he comes home late, slightly under the weather, with the car dented and bent. He says to a parent: “If you REALLY loved me, you’d tell the insurance company you were driving, so I’m not penalised.”

Obviously what follows isn’t predetermined. This kind of power hunger certainly won't happen to everyone, but for some people,  they feel alive and strong when they can manipulate others with language. Feeding this type of addiction to power can become an end in itself. If the person is a bully, this can be disastrous for those caught up in the web.

In the workplace:
The words evolve to be more appropriate for the workplace, but the desire to manipulate others and watch how they respond and capitulate remains. “If you REALLY cared about this department you’d: “work unpaid overtime/not agitate for a pay rise/not lodge a complaint about bullying/sexual harassment.” In fact, the manipulation can be in any sphere and cover many different scenarios.

For those of us brought up to be “good” people, to not rock the boat, and to respect authority, this form of psychological game playing can be very hard to resist. Of course you care about your workplace and the department!

How to respond:
The best exchange I witnessed was so simple, so effective that it’s stuck with me for years. The target, (I’ll call her Jenny and come back to her later on) simply responded to the “If you REALLY …” statement with a calm: “That’s an interesting point of view, I’ll take it on board.” And went on with what she had been doing. This was so simple, so effective as to leave the chronically manipulative co-worker temporarily without words. (And between you and me, looking mildly foolish.)

Sadly, what is simple is not necessarily easy.

The difficulty can be to become aware of the pattern of manipulation. It’s helpful to clarify the scenarios where you get “trapped” so you are aware of them. As the Scouts and Guides say “Be prepared”.
The attacker wants and expects a result. Some want you to squirm and justify your actions, others want to waste your time. Some are bullies. Rarely are they interested in a rational, mature discussion.

Harmless fun?
I once had a co-worker; I’ll call him Tom. He was fun and efficient to work with, but had a dreadful habit of baiting another co-worker who I’ll call James. Tom would deliberately bait James with the tried and tested words “If you REALLY cared about the environment you’d get solar panels installed and get all your windows double glazed. “ Tom didn’t do this maliciously, but simply for the sport of seeing James get totally wound in knots trying to justify how his home was heated and cooled.

James would become flustered and go quite red in the face. Tom just sat there dropping in a word here and there, a bit like a fisherman winding in a fish. At the end of the embarrassing experience when James had been unable to justify why his home wasn’t powered with solar cells, and had flounced off, Tom would look at his watch with satisfaction and announce how much time James had spent on this fruitless exchange. This happened time and time again with Tom gleefully keeping a tally of the time wasted.

Some verbal bullies are like ravenous sharks feeding on your  responses.

As an observer, it was hard to know how, or even if, it was possible, to prevent James getting caught. James took the bait, AND the hook, line and sinker. Repeatedly.

Does James care about the environment? Yes, desperately. Does this mean he needs to justify his decisions about solar panels to Tom? No, not at all. Tom isn’t interested in the reasoning and doesn’t want a mature discussion. As I’ve said, he’s initiated the ‘conversation’ for a very different reason.

What could James have done? James consistently gave his attacker Tom, exactly what he wanted and expected. As well as feeding Tom’s feeling of power, by taking the bait, James was agreeing with the implication that he didn’t care about the environment.

How would my friend Jenny who you met earlier have responded? I suspect she would have stuck to her line: “That’s an interesting point, I’ll take it on board.” If James had learnt to say something like this, even after a history of being trapped in an ever tightening circle of half finished, awkward sentences, Tom would have had little room to manouvre.

Some other possible responses could go along the lines of: “Of course I care about the environment, I’ve got some brochures to look at and am comparing solar options.” And then James casually wanders off not waiting for Tom’s reply.

Or perhaps, “Yes, of course I care about the environment, there’s a lecture at the local college next week, would you like the information so you can attend?” Your tone of voice won’t be dripping with sarcasm and it shouldn’t come out as a put down. You are simply, respectfully replying, adult to adult, as if the initial bait was an honest request for information.

Elgin in ‘The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense at Work’ (p118-9) says: “What the verbal abuser wants is the confrontation. The scene. The fight. The row.” She goes on to say that the abuser doesn’t want to be ignored, but “wants your full and undivided attention. The bait itself is trivial to verbal abusers, (and it is) valued only for its potential to provoke you”. “They care about demonstrating that they have power over you and can control your behaviour”.

“Therefore, anytime you take the bait in a verbal attack and participate in the verbal violence loop, you are letting them get away with it.”

If something like this has happened to you on more than one occasion, identify the themes that catch you and rehearse your responses with someone you trust. It might feel awkward to change a pattern, but the benefit will be well worth while.

All the above are true stories in which I've been involved in some way.

You might find the related post "How to say 'No' graciously" interesting. It's here.

Suzette Haden Elgin's web site on Verbal Self Defense is here.
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Workplace communication – teams, games and sport.

I’ve been reading Susan Haden Elgin’s “The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense at Work”, (Prentice-Hall 2000) not an easy read, but very interesting.

Elgin is writing about business communication and mentions the fact that dominant adult males control most of the power in America and that many of us spend large amounts of time interacting with dominant adult males. (I have no reason to think things have changed since 2000 or are significantly different in Australia.) She explains that “… most American men today define anything that involves negotiation as a game, at least temporarily, and they switch to gameplaying behaviour for the duration of the negotiation.”

She states that women, other nationalities and different ethnic groups don’t always agree on the meaning of ‘negotiation’ or understand the terminology of gameplaying behaviour and that this leads to massive communication breakdowns in many business settings.

What is your experience at work? Certainly in the workplaces I’ve been in, gameplaying terminology is prevalent. Such comments as “The ball’s in your court”, “Are we all on the same team here?” “We’ll get some runs of the board with this one”, “Don’t waste the play”, “That meeting was a bit of a free for all” or “Good play”, are commonplace.

Often there are a lot of non-verbal signals too, with the action of passing a ball to others at a meeting to denote the next person to speak. There are visual gags and asides that leave the non-initiated perplexed, out of it and wondering what on earth is going on.

Sometimes it’s even more pronounced with the expectation that personnel will attend football, tennis and cricket matches and entertain clients at these venues on weekends and in the evening. If this fills you with dread or loathing, perhaps you and that particular workplace aren’t entirely suited.

I want to make three points relating to games, sports and teams.

Firstly: What does the word game mean to you? Is it something light-hearted and perhaps trivial? Did you love sport at school? Or was it a time of purgatory? Does it matter one way or the other if you win or lose? How do you view the language of games?

Are games to be taken seriously, to be won, do they mean something to you? If they do to everyone but you in the office, what will the effect be? If you’re not speaking the same language, how does this affect your workplace dynamics?

If we don’t understand or relate to the language that is being used, where does that leave us?

Secondly:  How do significant people at your workplace use game playing terminology? Does it pepper their speech? Are you talking the same language? Do you know how they view games? Do they love team sports or do they prefer non-team sports? How does a boss’s love of sport, the fact that he or she takes sport extremely seriously affect everyday work interactions and negotiations?

Do you like being part of a group or team?

Thirdly: How do you view team sports?
I listened to an interview a while ago where two groups were debating the benefit of team sports at school. They were rational adults, full of goodwill and respect for the ‘opposition’, but it was glaringly obvious that they simply couldn’t (not wouldn’t but couldn’t) understand the perspective of the other side.

Those in favour of team sport were adamant about the many benefits of belonging to a team that weren’t easily achievable elsewhere. They talked about the pleasure of belonging, being part of a team (that word again) working towards achieving something together, of having a goal, focus, discipline and purpose. They revelled in the joy of winning! Their entire lives, on field and off, were viewed in a sporting context.

Those against spoke about the pain of not being chosen, of being reluctantly included when the Phys Ed teacher insisted, of being clumsy, not fitting in and of being perplexed about the rules, confused and uncomfortable. They remembered doing anything to get out of dreaded sport at school, forging notes, faking illness - anything to avoid the humiliation of participating. I think it is fair to say they abhorred sport and everything to do with it.

Neither side understood the others perspective, they weren’t being difficult, there was simply a deep gulf separating them.

How do these perceptions, prejudices and beliefs about teams carry into the workplace where sporting terminology and game playing is prevalent? If you hated sport at school, how does that affect you in a workplace? How does your disinterest and lack on knowledge affect the sport lovers?

What do the words team sports mean to you? What images thoughts and feelings arise? “ Be a good sport” (and do something you don’t want to do) “It’s not winning, but how you play the game”, “Don’t be a sore loser”, “This game is for the boys, we don’t want sissies here”, “It’s a bit of a boy’s club here”, “Can’t take the rough and tumble?” (said in a derisive tone)

You might like sport but prefer to work alone.

If you don’t like games and have residual negative feelings regarding team sports, could this affect your body language when the terminology is used in a work setting? How does this affect others?

Like Elgin, I firmly believe effective workplace communication matters. When the terms are unfamiliar and come from the world of sport and games, which not everyone is familiar with, mis-communication can and will take place. Expectations about roles can, as Elgin says, lead to outright confusion and clashes; there will be hurt, baffled and angry people. Unlike her, my experience is that both men and women can be alienated by game terminology - personality type is more relevant than a division along gender lines.

It’s a bit like being in a foreign country for those who aren’t natural games people. They don’t understand the terminology. At best, they may watch and listen with curiosity, but it’s a closed book, which needs courteous, patient, respectful explanation.

Some turn tail and run when team sports are mentioned.

I believe it’s incumbent on both sides, whether male or female and of whatever nationality or ethnic group to work hard to communicate maturely and clearly in terms the other can relate to and understand.

I also believe it’s incumbent for all people involved to listen to any questions or confusion with your whole attention, without interruption or derisive, insulting comments.

It makes good business sense to get the best from the WHOLE workforce without alienating those who are not in the “in group”. It is simply good manners to try to communicate clearly and to work at it ‘till you succeed.


One last thought: If you don't understand team sports and games, does that necessarily make you a poor employee where gameplaying behaviour is prevalent? Is there a place for all personality types which makes for a richer work environment?


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Reality TV meets the science of Positive Psychology

Making Australia Happy

Doctor Anthony Grant, one of the three presenters of the TV series, Making Australia Happy (2010) spoke at the recent Happiness and its Causes conference in Brisbane.

I wrote briefly about the series here (link). The excellent web site for the show is here (link)

The goal of the series was not to make the participants happy, but to introduce them to a number of interventions including Positive Psychology. It was hoped these would improve their levels of happiness over an eight week period. “The overarching aim of the series was to introduce positive psychology concepts to the general Australia public in order to encourage the use of scientifically validated approaches to the enhancement of wellbeing on an individual and community level.” says Dr Grant.

Participants were chosen so that the general public could identify with them; essentially they were 'the person next door'.

How happiness was measured
Dr Grant and his peers devised a happiness test, which incorporated a number of well-validated measures; this became known as the “Happy 100 Index”. (You can take the test here.) However, because the professionals wanted to go beyond a self-reported assessment, a range of physiological tests were also included, including blood pressure, stress, and sleep. Brain activity was measured before, during and after the programme.

The programme was holistic and acknowledged that diet and sleep can affect wellbeing significantly. As such, physical exercise levels, sleep patterns and diet were all examined. The participants were given feedback about the results, and sleep, exercise and dietary changes were encouraged as needed.

There was not a ‘one size fits all’ approach, but an acknowledgement that different interventions would suit different individuals.

The interventions included
     1. Eulogy. Write your own funeral speech including what you hope to be remembered for. It helps us focus on the goals and values that are most important to us.

     2. Random acts of Kindness or altruism. It’s known that doing something good for another has a positive effect on wellbeing. Participants were encouraged to engage in some form of meaningful activity for others.

     3. Mindfulness activities, exercises and training. Participants were introduced to ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) by Dr Russ Harris who also spoke at the conference. (More on this another time).

     4. Gratitude. Participants were encouraged to express appreciation and praise of others.

     5. Forgiveness. This tends to be the aspect many of us avoid addressing in our lives, and can be scary to confront. We harbour resentments, and these can be like a cancer of the soul.

     6. Reflection, review, renew. Participants were encouraged to pause and look at what was working or not.

The results
Dr Grant openly acknowledged that while he has expected some improvement in self-reported wellbeing, he had not expected the substantial improvements in the biological markers of well-being.

Participants with high blood pressure and cholesterol experienced a substantial drop in readings; levels of immunity increased as did measures of resilience.

Most interestingly, the brain scans showed less activity, participants were calmer, and as Dr Grant said in the presentation “a quiet brain is a happy brain”. A calm, happy brain is less agitated, with its owner more at ease with themselves and others.

The participants reported an increase in satisfaction with life, and this affect remained at the 6 month follow-up after filming was over. That's excellent news about things we can all adopt relatively easily.

There was no single overall most effective intervention, and although Positive Psychology sounds like it focuses only on pleasant emotions, participants were encouraged to embrace the full range of human experience – not to avoid or shy away from more challenging emotions such as sadness, grief or anger, but to build a full, rich and meaningful life accepting these emotions as part of that richness.

One of the beauties of the series that the viewer was able to relate to the participants, there was no embarrassment, cringe-worthy moments or feeling superior. I would describe it as supportive, and encouraging. These were real people trying to improve their lives. No winners, no losers, just people very much like you and me.

So if you’re feeling a bit down, a couple of things you can do RIGHT NOW (yes really) are check out your diet, turn off the electronic devices when you go to bed (all of them!) and right now, stand up, and do some gentle exercise.

If you're interested, you can do many of the exercises presented in the programme using the materials on the web site.  Here it is again!

I'm going to head off now and do 2 sets of step-ups before I begin getting dinner then I'll complete the Happiness questionairre. I wonder if I'll be game to share my score?

*If you're think you could be depressed please seek professional support - if you don't know where to start, try Beyond Blue (here), Lifeline (here) or your local GP (General Medical Practitioner).
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