A tiny amount of effort can make the world of difference.

Imagine for a moment that you're in a workplace, and there have been a few veiled comments that someone you know, but aren't particularly close to is being bullied. Let's for the moment call her Sheila, but it could as easily be Chip, Ahn, Stephan, Narasimha or Lee.

What's it to you? After all Sheila has friends, you've seen them going for a walk, chatting over lunch and you know they sometimes go out for a drink after work some Fridays.

But Sheila looks dreadful, she seems weighed down and no longer makes witty quips to her friends. The spring has gone from her step and you've heard she no longer goes out for lunchtime walks or to the Pub after work. She has become hesitant, nervous, wary and on edge, sometimes snapping for no apparent reason.

What comes as a surprise to many people is that whilst they know the target of a bully needs support it's rare for that person to be receiving the level of support they desperately need. I'm not referring to assistance from HR or legal options. I'm talking about the little everyday things that help make life bearable, so that the target doesn't feel so dreadfully, painfully alone.

Clearly, something is wrong with Sheila. Perhaps it's more than a temporarily grumpy boss, and she is being systematically hounded, harassed, mobbed or bullied.

But
a) you don't know what to do
b) you think someone else is helping/supporting - she's got lots of friends, right?
c) you think that what you have to offer is too minimal to make a difference

It's so easy to assume that someone else is helping. But there are all sorts of reasons this may not happen: One person may be struggling with their own issues and not notice, another may be concerned that if they're seen to support they will become the next target, and many others think "Surely her closer friends are helping. I'm not really that important to her." (More on this here)

Time and time again, I've had people say to me: "I felt so alone, it's like no-one noticed or cared."

My request to you is to show you care. Never assume the target has allies. The bully regularly has cronies, they can be powerful, nasty, vicious and unrelenting in their subtle and not so subtle undermining ways. The target rarely has the same level of support.

The simplest of things can make all the difference and let the target know they're not alone. In all sorts of unobtrusive ways you can show you care. A "thinking of you" text or email. A stick-it note with a smiley face or amateurish sketch of a bunch of flowers or clown. A kind word. An offer to have a coffee together. An email with a beautiful/inspiring/amusing photo attached. You don't really need to say much or commit to deep involvement. A variety of support is important, and your role may not need to be more than this.

Tactful support is mostly welcome; ask if you're unsure. Remember, you may be the only person to show you care. 

Here's a link to a post describing a situation I've witnessed far too many times - the tell tale signs of abuse and the debilitating suffering and legacy of unrelenting bullying.

Examples of artistic creativity might give the target hope
and remind them there is beauty in the world.

There's more information that could support the target here, here and here, and a book review on "Working with Mean Girls" by Meredith Fuller (which is equally relevant to men!)

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Of death and memories, both beautiful and sad.

What is the longest amount of time you've procrastinated for? I know I'm not alone in putting things off, but there comes a time when a potentially unpleasant or possibly daunting task needs to be tackled. It's time to dip into one task I've been avoiding for over 10 years.

Going through my mother's diaries.

She'd suggested I do it long before she died, but I knew it'd be awkward and perhaps I'd learn things about my mother and family I didn't really want to know. So I didn't; simple as that, and the boxes have been "stored" inefficiently and exposed to the nesting instincts of birds in the airy carport.

I didn't expect to find a desiccated baby bird when I got the boxes down.

Although she suffered dreadfully with arthritis and bitterly cold hands, my mother was a prolific writer. Any time other than on the hottest of days (above 35 degrees C) her fingers would be white with cold and the pain was clearly difficult to mask. The result is that her writing is often crabbed and blotched, and sometimes, with the best will in the world, all my squinting and turning the page to different angles doesn't help with a particular word.

Mostly, however, her writing is vivid, insightful and interesting. She discusses world news, politics, science, her spirituality and religion, and of course her family. Last night the hours melted away as I relived January to May 1992. Twenty years ago when my children were young and my mother babysat them fondly and frequently - sometimes so I could simply have a cup of tea or shop without "help". I felt nestled in a cocoon of the deepest, richest unconditional love imaginable.

There were however, darker entries. Of relatives who'd been seduced by the silver tongued poison of a cult leader, unexpectedly leaving children to fend for themselves (in hindsight, thankfully left behind with a flippant "They'll cope"). Reminders of the vicious, cruel, acrimonious attacks on the innocent by those who felt superior and special. Memories of sorrows, rifts, confusion and grief.*

I know this could be a turbulent voyage which will no doubt take some months, and I expect a skeleton or two might drop from a previously hidden cupboard - although I hope there will be no more birds! I think perhaps I was waiting for was a decent amount of time to pass before delving into my mother's private world.

What would you do, read your mother's diaries and discover some skeletons or .... ?

* Link to Anne Hamilton-Byrne & the sect The Family here and here, and Raynor Johnson, one man who enthusiastically promoted the sect here. Link to a book about The Family "Unseen Unheard Unknown" here.

Given the obsessive secrecy surrounding cults such as this one,  it's possible there are links to this group with the same name: here and here . The goal of both was/is to recruit similar kinds of people around the world and manipulate policy at as many levels as possible to further their selfish aims.

There are a number of books about cults and the cruelty they inflict. Link to Not Without My Sister  here.

(I've used the term sect and cult interchangeably even though technically there is a difference)

If you feel this post might assist someone you know, please tweet the link, like on FB or share on G+ or other social media platform.
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Book review: "Working with Mean Girls" by Meredith Fuller

 - subtitled "Identifying and protecting yourself from workplace nastiness" (This book is sold in the US with the title Working with Bitches and is available as an ebook)

If you've never worked with a bitch, it's hard to understand the anguish it can bring day after long day, week after long week. It's almost impossible to imagine the impact it can have on every aspect of your life, sleeping can be disrupted while you churn over the day, eating can be problematic and leisure time eroded with the ongoing distress of belittling, malicious and downright nasty behaviour. Frustration, self doubt, anger, confusion and exhaustion are words commonly used to attempt to describe the experience.

"Working with Mean Girls" isn't a pop psychology book. It's solidly grounded in theory, knowledge and the experience of working with a diverse range of clients over many years. Meredith Fuller is a loved and respected Melbourne psychologist who interviewed a wide range of women for the stories selected, to shed light on different kinds of bitchy behaviour.

The stories give a sense of the personal challenges many women face in working with bitches. They are a glimpse into a wide range of unhealthy workplace dynamics - some are harrowing and you wonder how anyone gets away with such appalling behaviour. All the stories are very readable, and I found myself identifying behaviours I'd seen in different workplaces in a new and helpful way.

Meredith has identified 8 types of bitches and has named them for their predominant behaviour:

• the Excluder
• the Insecure
• the Toxic
• the Narcissist
• the Screamer
• the Liar
• the Incompetent
• the Not-a-Bitch

Not only are the behaviours named and clearly identified, but the possible effect of the behaviour on the target is outlined, along with an explanation of why the bitch may behave in a particular way. Equally helpful are realistic suggestions for dealing with the challenging boss or co-worker and practical strategies are presented in a series of 'what to do' lists.

Throughout the book are reminders that not all nasty, mean behaviour is bitchy, even though it may appear that way. There could well be other causes, and in addition there may be a need at some stage for deep self reflection as well.

The second part of the book delves more deeply into psychological issues and I found I needed to concentrate more carefully. The possible role of fear and archetypes are discussed as well as different communication styles: for instance a preference for either using the head (Thinking) or heart (Feeling) can lead to difficulty with communication.

Age related issues are also discussed, with the possibility for difference and misunderstandings explained helpfully.

Whilst "Working with Mean Girls" has been written by a woman, for women who are working with bitches, I'll certainly buy a copy for my son. I believe it'll give him an insight into behaviours that may otherwise have been perplexing or even have gone unnoticed. The sections on communication styles, learning to say no, managing workplace stress, and strategies for deciding whether to stay or leave an unsatisfactory workplace are equally as relevant to him as they are to women in the workforce.

Link here to a short promotional video for "Working with Mean Girls."

If you are dealing with a bitch at work or are the target of workplace bullying it's often helpful to seek professional support. Practicing some of the suggested strategies with an experienced counsellor can assist in getting the confidence to try new behaviours in the work setting or support you as you change direction.

Meredith Fuller - photo by Jordan Head

Disclaimer: Meredith Fuller was one of my psychology lecturers when I was at college some 25+ years ago. She was inspirational, enthusiastic and knowledgeable. We came into contact again a couple of years back when we were facilitating Myers Briggs Type Inventory (MBTI) workshops with university students. Meredith has included some of my workplace experiences in the book, however I receive no freebies or financial gain from book sales.

My personal interest in, and professional experience of supporting targets of workplace bullying and bitchiness goes back many years.  I was honoured to attend the launch of "Working with Mean Girls" on Feb 18, 2012 and am pleased to celebrate Meredith Fuller's hard work and enthusiasm which have led to the publication of this excellent, helpful and readable book.

Meredith with Andrea McNamara (Penguin publisher)
at the book launch Feb 18 2012.

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Is it time to address the imbalance?

His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama:

We have bigger houses but smaller families;
more conveniences, but less time.

We have more degrees but less sense;
more knowledge but less judgement;
more experts, but more problems;
more medicines but less healthiness.

We've been all the way to the Moon and back,
but have trouble crossing the street to meet our new neighbour.

We built more computers to hold more copies than ever,
but have less real communication.

We have become long on quantity,
but short on quality.

These are times of fast foods but slow digestion;
tall men but short characters;
steep profits but shallow relationships.

It's a time when there is much in the window

But nothing in the room.

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The year in review.

Well, that was a challenge!

I've just taken Mitch's suggestion about going through my blog posts from the last 12 months and making a short list of my favourites. His suggestion is to do this to bring some older posts back to life, and to give newer readers some idea about the types of things you write.

Mitch is Mitch Mitchell from I'm Just Sharing. He has lots of quality information about all sorts of things including improving your blog.  He was recently featured on Arlee Bird's Tossing it Out which is where I met him.

I've managed to whittle away, to list 12 13 posts that include some of my favourites. It was a lot harder than I expected and I kept getting distracted, thinking "Did I really write that?" "It's not too bad at all!" (Which I confess is a pretty good feeling!)

I'm going to present them in reverse chronological order simply because that's how I re-read them.

1.  The Great Barrier Reef or to quote from 4 corners "The Great Barrier Grief". I wrote this in response to a TV report on the damage that is being done in and around the Great Barrier Reef by coal seam gas mining and exporting our finite minerals overseas in massive tankers.

2.  Exams. Failure is in the eye of the beholder. I was angry when I wrote this piece. Not at any particular person, but at the world in general. The world that puts immense pressure on students to achieve high grades, and which occasionally leads to tragedy.

3.  Workplace bullying. Behind closed Doors. Angry again. This time a personal reaction to the classroom bullying of two of my relatives. I've been on both sides, I know teaching is really tough, however, bullying by teachers is unacceptable. I've seen it up close and personal, and sadly, it can happen like this in the classroom.

4.  Workplace communication sounds like a bit of a dry topic, but it's fascinating! "If you REALLY..." explores manipulation and offers a perspective on how it can become a habit for some people.

5.  Another one on communication, discussing Teams, games and sport. I'd been reading Susan Haden Elgin's "The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense at Work"and was intrigued by the notion of 'games' themes and terminology in the workplace. Something to explore further another time I think!

6.  Do you bully yourself? is something I'd been wanting to write for a while, particularly after spending April presenting Workplace bullying in an A-Z format as part of a blog challenge hosted by Arlee Bird.

(The link to the 2012 Challenge is in the sidebar to the right). Here's the link to my A-Z posts on Workplace Bullying. It's a bit long and rambling. You can tell I was blogged out -  it was a rather intense month.

7.  Random acts of kindness is a brief to the point post - it was enjoyable to write and revisit.

8.  Another step, recovering from bullying Recovery after being the target of serial bullying can be a lifelong process. This is one tool that can help. I felt it was important to balance the equation after spending April exploring bullying tactics.

9.  Recovery from bullying - learning new patterns. If you've been bullied, I believe it's important to be proactive and arm yourself with new behaviours. Here's another idea to assist.

10.  I'd never written a book review, and having read so many, decided to try my hand. It was an interesting exercise for an outstanding book. An Extraordinary Year of Ordinary Days by Susan Wittig Albert.

11.  I hadn't heard about Drabbles until I came across Burrowers Books and Balderdash, (here) but having tried it out, I became addicted. The discipline of saying what I want in 100 words is good! (I spent April over at jumping aground writing alliterative drabbles. Yup, drabbling is great). This one, on young workers was included in the Burrow February Valentine feature.

12.  Have you heard about The Red Light Flashing?  Sometimes, something in us seems to sense that all is not right with an apparently attractive course of action. In this piece I attempt to explain without the benefit of waving my arms around to illustrate a point.

13.  Another Drabble, Pole Star. I said I liked writing them! This one was featured in the Burrowers Books and Balderdash, December Advent Calendar in 2010. My take on the photo prompt wasn't a Christmas theme, but the words demanded to be written - I didn't think overly about it, just wrote. I'm still pleased with the result, but sad that nothing has changed.


So, there you have it. There were some posts that I re-read and thought, "Hmm, that could do with a bit of a tidy up" but on the whole, they weren't too bad. If you haven't spent time reviewing your own posts, I'd recommend the exercise. It's easy to forget what you've written (or is that only me?) and I found it encouraging to see a general improvement in my writing.

Graffiti on a wall in Melbourne

cheers

Sue

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Christmas is coming

Tourists pause, aimless and free, fondle market wares, hold them aloft, twist and turn, alert for the perfect Christmas gift.

Street market stalls laden with goods

Heels clack clack clack
on the footpath behind me
Loud. Insistent. Demanding.

I turn, maintain momentum, keep pace:
“You seem to be in a hurry. Must be a local!”  
A laugh and wide grin, “How did you guess?”

I gesture to the tourist busses, densely packed groups, alfresco diners and coffee sippers, deeply relaxed and at ease.

Muslim women, tightly scarfed, giggle together;

Cheery red poinsettias.

Elderly Italian and Greek women with sensible shoes and bags, closely inspect the local farm fruit and vegetables;

Asian groups of mixed ages and genders, umbrellas angled against the sun, wide brimmed hats pulled low over black hair and tied with bows under chins, ponder whether to try the local Japanese restaurant for lunch – their body language is clear.

No, they’re not local, but they are welcome …
or are they?

I was once lost for words when a friend said “I didn’t know we got that type of person down here” when she saw a group of traditionally dressed Moslem women.

 As I watch cars inching down the crowded street, sporting jaunty antlers and red noses under the searing sun, I wonder sadly if that sentiment remains.

Isn’t there enough room for us all?

The Town Crier decked with tinsel making a Christmas announcement.

I cringe at the addition of a Santa hat

The A-Z blogging challenge is coming!

The A-Z Blogging Challenge: is a fun month of blogging and blog hopping and comes with a huge amount of camaraderie and lashings of support from the amazing organisers.

The idea is that during April, you link up with a thousand or more other bloggers to post each day of the month (except Sundays) starting with A on the 1st and working through the alphabet to Z on the 30th.

It was so good that I'm diving in again in 2012 even though I was blogged out by the time I got to Z in 2011!

You can see some of the things people blogged about this year towards the end of this post, and whilst you don't need a theme, it works for me and provides a good structure. Last time,  I really wanted to blog about climate change. But it was too hard, too complex, and to be honest, too darn depressing. But the idea has been playing on my mind all year, niggling and asking for my attention.

Even though I don't want to spend months researching climate related issues and immersing myself in the facts and figures, if I'm going to live according to my core values it's something I'll choose do.

Core Values:

• one of my vital core values is to connect with and spend time in the natural environment. I'd like future generations to have the opportunity to enjoy it as I do. 
• another is to be part of a community, to connect with, and be part of something bigger than my own little space in the world. It'd be great to connect with others doing their bit to make a difference. 
• a third core value is to do with education and personal development. I like to extend myself. I enjoy being educated, informing, sharing and trying to explain concepts clearly

To live comfortably with myself, I'll embrace my values and move in a direction where I act on them, even though it may be difficult. I'll try to ignore my inner demons of "Nothing's going to change", "I'm setting myself up for disappointment because no-one's interested anyway" and "Who do you think you are? You're getting too big for your boots if you think you can make a difference".

ACT: Acceptance and Commitment Therapy
To help me through, I'll apply the principles of ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) and mindfulness meditation and make space for the feelings of anxiety and self-doubt, find room for my demons and breathe deeply into any discomfort. (Information on ACT here.)

Preparation is the key!
Rather than leaving the preparation to the last minute (silly me) like last year, when I blogged about Workplace Bullying (list of areas I covered here ), I've been thinking ahead, mulling over how to present the whole depressing schemozzle so it’s not a major turn off.

Pilfered from Burrowers, Books and Balderdash here.

But, first, I needed to drag myself out of the chasm of despair and fear that envelops me when I think about climate change and the destruction of our eco-systems. So I took some time off to relax, be inspired, blow away the cobwebs and re-energise. And it was fun!

Once upon a time, this was the seabed.
The track is at the top of a range of hills in Mutawintji National Park NSW

 After rain, the dry river bed becomes part of a river system
extending for many kilometres
Mutawintji National Park NSW.

North west NSW. 

Menindie Lakes

Click here to join the A-Z blogging challenge in 2012 with Arlee Bird and his great band of helpers.

Themes
It'd be great if you join me and the other participants who'll be blogging from A-Z in April. Not all the topics are heavy! Participants cover everything from gaming, film, books, writing, photography, painting, gardening, birds, grammar, haiku, travel, art, artists, anime, stamps, science, the solar system, old postcards, craft and everything in between. You'll meet witty, wise, poetic experienced bloggers as well as people who started blogging purely to join the fun of the challenge. It's simply amazing!

I'd like some encouraging company! I'd been feeling insignificant and scared when I allowed myself to think about climate change and environmental damage in the privacy of my head. It was only when I made veiled comments to others, including my doctor, that conversations opened up and I realised I'm not alone in with the continual sense of fear and doom. My doctor commented that he is treating more people for depression than ever before, and suspected that isolation and fear about the future may be part of the cause.

Click on the ENGAHC button at the top for more information about my theme. Please 'follow' if the topic is something you're interested in, or can contribute to. I'd like you to share your insights, stories and comments.

Do you have something you'd like to blog about?
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Chaotic Careers

What role has luck played in your life or career?

Jim Bright is professor of Career Development at the Australian Catholic University and quite a presence in the Australian Career Development field. His Chaos theory of Career Development fits with my experience and that of many of my clients.

An article on the role of luck in careers recently appeared in the Financial Review "How to get luck on your side" link here.

Whilst we might like to think that talent and determination are the key factors in success at work, there is often something else happening too. Bright explains that not everyone with talent will make it to the top of their field no matter how hard they try - and discusses the reasons for this.

It's not simply hard work alone that puts some people at the top of their field. Bright and others believe there's an element of luck, of being in the right place at the right time and of putting yourself in the way of opportunities and being open to change.

Like this tree, many people are able to take advantage
of the opportunity for re-growth after a major unforeseen setback.

Bright's theory of career development is that we live in a world of uncertain events, where the idea of our work-life as a linear progression is simply not how life unfolds. People's careers change direction and often appear haphazard as they hit a wall or another opportunity occurs. Often they 'spin around to do something completely different.'

Jim Bright believes people need to be luck ready and says that even if this doesn't come naturally it can, to some extent, be learnt. Bright and Pryor have devised three tests (link here) so you can see where you fit on their luck scale. You will be asked to create a user name and password and then choose the test you wish to complete.

People who score highly in flexibility, optimism, risk (adventurousness), curiosity, persistence, strategy, efficacy and luckiness will be more open to change and put themselves in the way of chance events more often than those who are less flexible in their outlook.

Random events can cause us to change direction.

Along with many others, Bright believes that our vision of careers needs to include the vision of chance and uncertainty. He encourages us not to stick overly rigidly with a plan, and to acknowledge the importance of the complexity of the world in which we live. This will enable us to make the most of the potential of unplanned and unforeseen events.

Three tests
The Luck Readiness Index profiles your response to chance and measures your awareness and readiness to take opportunities in a changing environment.

The Change Perception Index profiles how you view change in your life and career compared to others. Each comes with an extensive in-depth report. These are available for a fee of $9(Aus)

The Exploring Chaos Reality Checklist is free, and is quick and easy to complete. The checklist is designed to assess your thinking about change in your career and the workplace (and I would add in life in general). An informative interesting and useful printable outline of your results is available on completion.

I've mentioned in previous posts about how change can be very uncomfortable for many people.  But even when it's uncomfortable it can be positive and adapting to it can be an indicator of career success.

The future is not predictable - an example is sudden, unexpected downsizing of a company which can leave unprepared workers floundering and stressed.  Learning to be adaptable and to reinvent ourselves to take advantage of random opportunities can be extremely empowering.

The free printable report from the Exploring Chaos Reality Checklist has suggestions for ways to think about your pattern of responses, as well as how to use this information proactively in regards to future events.  Not bad for free!

Link to tests here.

How have chance and random events affected your life?

Workplace communication - "If you REALLY..."

Imagine before you a small child and a parent – the child is exploring notions of power. How much they have of it, where it begins and ends – not that they’d call it that or be aware of it, but for all intents and purposes that’s what it is.

The small child says, possibly with not much hope of success: “If you REALLY loved me, you’d buy me a pony.”

The parent, taken by surprise, wonders if they’re doing a good job of this parenting thing, may feel guilty for working long hours and not giving quality time to their child. Desperately wanting to be loved, the parent may not spare a thought about the pattern that could begin to evolve if they immediately satisfy the request and those that will inevitably follow. (I certainly don't mean to imply that life will be forever fraught if you give a child a gift, mostly things are fine!)

The child, grows into a young teenager and is asked to help with household chores, specifically to hang out the washing. Possibly embarrassed to be seen hanging out her mother’s bras and her father’s jocks, but more importantly having learnt to manipulate by trading on love, says in a plaintive, pleading tone (which she’s learnt tugs at her mothers heartstrings and brings the desired result): “If you REALLY loved me, I wouldn’t have to do chores and could go play with the other girls.”

Fast forward a couple of years. The youngster, now of driving age, and fully conscious of the power he holds, it having been reinforced time and time again, uses the proven technique: “If you REALLY loved me you’d buy me a car.”

Lo and behold, there’s a lovely new (to him) car. But, horror of horrors, one night he comes home late, slightly under the weather, with the car dented and bent. He says to a parent: “If you REALLY loved me, you’d tell the insurance company you were driving, so I’m not penalised.”

Obviously what follows isn’t predetermined. This kind of power hunger certainly won't happen to everyone, but for some people,  they feel alive and strong when they can manipulate others with language. Feeding this type of addiction to power can become an end in itself. If the person is a bully, this can be disastrous for those caught up in the web.

In the workplace:
The words evolve to be more appropriate for the workplace, but the desire to manipulate others and watch how they respond and capitulate remains. “If you REALLY cared about this department you’d: “work unpaid overtime/not agitate for a pay rise/not lodge a complaint about bullying/sexual harassment.” In fact, the manipulation can be in any sphere and cover many different scenarios.

For those of us brought up to be “good” people, to not rock the boat, and to respect authority, this form of psychological game playing can be very hard to resist. Of course you care about your workplace and the department!

How to respond:
The best exchange I witnessed was so simple, so effective that it’s stuck with me for years. The target, (I’ll call her Jenny and come back to her later on) simply responded to the “If you REALLY …” statement with a calm: “That’s an interesting point of view, I’ll take it on board.” And went on with what she had been doing. This was so simple, so effective as to leave the chronically manipulative co-worker temporarily without words. (And between you and me, looking mildly foolish.)

Sadly, what is simple is not necessarily easy.

The difficulty can be to become aware of the pattern of manipulation. It’s helpful to clarify the scenarios where you get “trapped” so you are aware of them. As the Scouts and Guides say “Be prepared”.
The attacker wants and expects a result. Some want you to squirm and justify your actions, others want to waste your time. Some are bullies. Rarely are they interested in a rational, mature discussion.

Harmless fun?
I once had a co-worker; I’ll call him Tom. He was fun and efficient to work with, but had a dreadful habit of baiting another co-worker who I’ll call James. Tom would deliberately bait James with the tried and tested words “If you REALLY cared about the environment you’d get solar panels installed and get all your windows double glazed. “ Tom didn’t do this maliciously, but simply for the sport of seeing James get totally wound in knots trying to justify how his home was heated and cooled.

James would become flustered and go quite red in the face. Tom just sat there dropping in a word here and there, a bit like a fisherman winding in a fish. At the end of the embarrassing experience when James had been unable to justify why his home wasn’t powered with solar cells, and had flounced off, Tom would look at his watch with satisfaction and announce how much time James had spent on this fruitless exchange. This happened time and time again with Tom gleefully keeping a tally of the time wasted.

Some verbal bullies are like ravenous sharks feeding on your  responses.

As an observer, it was hard to know how, or even if, it was possible, to prevent James getting caught. James took the bait, AND the hook, line and sinker. Repeatedly.

Does James care about the environment? Yes, desperately. Does this mean he needs to justify his decisions about solar panels to Tom? No, not at all. Tom isn’t interested in the reasoning and doesn’t want a mature discussion. As I’ve said, he’s initiated the ‘conversation’ for a very different reason.

What could James have done? James consistently gave his attacker Tom, exactly what he wanted and expected. As well as feeding Tom’s feeling of power, by taking the bait, James was agreeing with the implication that he didn’t care about the environment.

How would my friend Jenny who you met earlier have responded? I suspect she would have stuck to her line: “That’s an interesting point, I’ll take it on board.” If James had learnt to say something like this, even after a history of being trapped in an ever tightening circle of half finished, awkward sentences, Tom would have had little room to manouvre.

Some other possible responses could go along the lines of: “Of course I care about the environment, I’ve got some brochures to look at and am comparing solar options.” And then James casually wanders off not waiting for Tom’s reply.

Or perhaps, “Yes, of course I care about the environment, there’s a lecture at the local college next week, would you like the information so you can attend?” Your tone of voice won’t be dripping with sarcasm and it shouldn’t come out as a put down. You are simply, respectfully replying, adult to adult, as if the initial bait was an honest request for information.

Elgin in ‘The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense at Work’ (p118-9) says: “What the verbal abuser wants is the confrontation. The scene. The fight. The row.” She goes on to say that the abuser doesn’t want to be ignored, but “wants your full and undivided attention. The bait itself is trivial to verbal abusers, (and it is) valued only for its potential to provoke you”. “They care about demonstrating that they have power over you and can control your behaviour”.

“Therefore, anytime you take the bait in a verbal attack and participate in the verbal violence loop, you are letting them get away with it.”

If something like this has happened to you on more than one occasion, identify the themes that catch you and rehearse your responses with someone you trust. It might feel awkward to change a pattern, but the benefit will be well worth while.

All the above are true stories in which I've been involved in some way.

You might find the related post "How to say 'No' graciously" interesting. It's here.

Suzette Haden Elgin's web site on Verbal Self Defense is here.
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Workplace communication – teams, games and sport.

I’ve been reading Susan Haden Elgin’s “The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense at Work”, (Prentice-Hall 2000) not an easy read, but very interesting.

Elgin is writing about business communication and mentions the fact that dominant adult males control most of the power in America and that many of us spend large amounts of time interacting with dominant adult males. (I have no reason to think things have changed since 2000 or are significantly different in Australia.) She explains that “… most American men today define anything that involves negotiation as a game, at least temporarily, and they switch to gameplaying behaviour for the duration of the negotiation.”

She states that women, other nationalities and different ethnic groups don’t always agree on the meaning of ‘negotiation’ or understand the terminology of gameplaying behaviour and that this leads to massive communication breakdowns in many business settings.

What is your experience at work? Certainly in the workplaces I’ve been in, gameplaying terminology is prevalent. Such comments as “The ball’s in your court”, “Are we all on the same team here?” “We’ll get some runs of the board with this one”, “Don’t waste the play”, “That meeting was a bit of a free for all” or “Good play”, are commonplace.

Often there are a lot of non-verbal signals too, with the action of passing a ball to others at a meeting to denote the next person to speak. There are visual gags and asides that leave the non-initiated perplexed, out of it and wondering what on earth is going on.

Sometimes it’s even more pronounced with the expectation that personnel will attend football, tennis and cricket matches and entertain clients at these venues on weekends and in the evening. If this fills you with dread or loathing, perhaps you and that particular workplace aren’t entirely suited.

I want to make three points relating to games, sports and teams.

Firstly: What does the word game mean to you? Is it something light-hearted and perhaps trivial? Did you love sport at school? Or was it a time of purgatory? Does it matter one way or the other if you win or lose? How do you view the language of games?

Are games to be taken seriously, to be won, do they mean something to you? If they do to everyone but you in the office, what will the effect be? If you’re not speaking the same language, how does this affect your workplace dynamics?

If we don’t understand or relate to the language that is being used, where does that leave us?

Secondly:  How do significant people at your workplace use game playing terminology? Does it pepper their speech? Are you talking the same language? Do you know how they view games? Do they love team sports or do they prefer non-team sports? How does a boss’s love of sport, the fact that he or she takes sport extremely seriously affect everyday work interactions and negotiations?

Do you like being part of a group or team?

Thirdly: How do you view team sports?
I listened to an interview a while ago where two groups were debating the benefit of team sports at school. They were rational adults, full of goodwill and respect for the ‘opposition’, but it was glaringly obvious that they simply couldn’t (not wouldn’t but couldn’t) understand the perspective of the other side.

Those in favour of team sport were adamant about the many benefits of belonging to a team that weren’t easily achievable elsewhere. They talked about the pleasure of belonging, being part of a team (that word again) working towards achieving something together, of having a goal, focus, discipline and purpose. They revelled in the joy of winning! Their entire lives, on field and off, were viewed in a sporting context.

Those against spoke about the pain of not being chosen, of being reluctantly included when the Phys Ed teacher insisted, of being clumsy, not fitting in and of being perplexed about the rules, confused and uncomfortable. They remembered doing anything to get out of dreaded sport at school, forging notes, faking illness - anything to avoid the humiliation of participating. I think it is fair to say they abhorred sport and everything to do with it.

Neither side understood the others perspective, they weren’t being difficult, there was simply a deep gulf separating them.

How do these perceptions, prejudices and beliefs about teams carry into the workplace where sporting terminology and game playing is prevalent? If you hated sport at school, how does that affect you in a workplace? How does your disinterest and lack on knowledge affect the sport lovers?

What do the words team sports mean to you? What images thoughts and feelings arise? “ Be a good sport” (and do something you don’t want to do) “It’s not winning, but how you play the game”, “Don’t be a sore loser”, “This game is for the boys, we don’t want sissies here”, “It’s a bit of a boy’s club here”, “Can’t take the rough and tumble?” (said in a derisive tone)

You might like sport but prefer to work alone.

If you don’t like games and have residual negative feelings regarding team sports, could this affect your body language when the terminology is used in a work setting? How does this affect others?

Like Elgin, I firmly believe effective workplace communication matters. When the terms are unfamiliar and come from the world of sport and games, which not everyone is familiar with, mis-communication can and will take place. Expectations about roles can, as Elgin says, lead to outright confusion and clashes; there will be hurt, baffled and angry people. Unlike her, my experience is that both men and women can be alienated by game terminology - personality type is more relevant than a division along gender lines.

It’s a bit like being in a foreign country for those who aren’t natural games people. They don’t understand the terminology. At best, they may watch and listen with curiosity, but it’s a closed book, which needs courteous, patient, respectful explanation.

Some turn tail and run when team sports are mentioned.

I believe it’s incumbent on both sides, whether male or female and of whatever nationality or ethnic group to work hard to communicate maturely and clearly in terms the other can relate to and understand.

I also believe it’s incumbent for all people involved to listen to any questions or confusion with your whole attention, without interruption or derisive, insulting comments.

It makes good business sense to get the best from the WHOLE workforce without alienating those who are not in the “in group”. It is simply good manners to try to communicate clearly and to work at it ‘till you succeed.


One last thought: If you don't understand team sports and games, does that necessarily make you a poor employee where gameplaying behaviour is prevalent? Is there a place for all personality types which makes for a richer work environment?


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Happiness tip - Move!

Have you thought of having 'Happy hour' at home? Not the Friday afternoon one, guzzling cheap wine and warm beer (no offence meant to my British readers), but something a lot more personalised.

I'm referring more to doing something for yourself, something that makes you feel special and which supports your values. It doesn't have to be a major change to your routine or even take a whole hour.

I've been pulled up short a couple of times recently by friends who have ever so tactfully pointed out that I'm not practicing what I preach.

One of the things I value is feeling healthy, but I wasn't allowing any time for exercise. Not good Sue.

Movement other than from desk to car and back again had gone by the board. I'm not keen on sport and don't like gyms - but I knew I had to do something, or my poor little body was going to seize up or atrophy or something horrible. I know exercise is good for my brain, I know it's good for my body, I know I feel better when I move - but I hadn't made it a priority in my daily schedule.

If I truly value feeling healthy I need to allow that value space to flourish. It simply can't happen if I crowd the day with other stuff (including work).  But how to squeeze it in to an already full day? Happy hour for the body? It's a good ideal and might work for some, but nope, that's not going to happen for me, not every day - that would end in frustration, failure and feeling defeated.

But what I can do is start where I am, and take small, achievable steps, non threatening tiny steps, in the general direction of my value.

What I've done is set my phone alarm for twice a day to remind me to move. The alarm is a chirpily sweet bingly beep, it's lighthearted and cheerful to remind me that exercise is possible and achievable NOW! 2 or 3 minutes doesn't sound much, but it's in the direction of a core value and that's good, right? Happy minutes for my body, brain and spirit!

I've been moving more (could this be called exercise?) for a couple of months now and it's not scary or intimidating. I can do 2 or even 3 minutes (stop laughing!) and sometimes more. I have a small wooden box, just the right height to step up and down, up and down - 20 reps, twice a day, and then some twisty things to help my middle become more mobile. I know I need to keep it up for a bit longer for it to become a habit, but it's very much part of my routine, equal to brushing my teeth after meals - not a chore, not disliked, just there to be done.

The benefits so far:
a) I haven't noticed any particular loss of time from other things (like work).
b) I feel generally better physically and more energised and alive after even this small amount of movement.
c) I feel good about myself - I'm supporting a core value and feel good at achieving my simple goals.
d) I was able to walk and walk and walk in China, up steepish inclines, along rough tracks, for kilometres around Shanghai with no stiffness at all. Now, that was a real benefit and far better than any commercial 'Happy hour'. I could so easily have said: "Oh, 2 minutes is nothing, it's not worth doing". It was a direct, tangible benefit ... yippee!!

Have you been ignoring any core values that would enjoy being nurtured for a few minutes each day?

Could you spend time reflecting on your thoughts and feelings, relaxing or being mindful? 

How will you benefit?

Ping An - looking up - lots of steps! The terraces contained rice
and a wide variety of vegetables.

Ping An. Is it possible there were less
downward steps? We seemed to get back very quickly.

More China reflections over at Jumping aground.
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Stepping on an aphorism - or not?

Seen woven into a carpet in a Shanghai restaurant:

The darkest places in hell 

are reserved for those

who maintain their

neutrality in times of

moral crisis

or not

Shanghai

What do you think?

More photos and comments about my recent trip to China are over at Jumpingaground.
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a question

Can you identify what's involved in walking the extra mile so that you can achieve your current goal?

Frankston pier.

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Law of threes

You know how it is, something happens three times in a short space of time and your ears prick up; the rationale being that the universe is giving you a nudge and here’s something you should take seriously and act on.

But I’m not superstitious (hmmm, maybe just a bit) so perhaps that should be lore of threes?

However, to the point - last week I received:

1. an email from a loved and respected friend suggesting I join Twitter
2. information from a respected blog-buddy sharing information about Twitter as a support for your blog
3. and noticed that a number of non-loopy bloggers who had been sceptical about Twitter have joined and begun tweeting.

Crap. That’s all I need, another distraction.

Tweeting = Fear
So being me, I took notice of the lore of threes, dug out my Twitter account, dusted it off and promptly felt like a right prawn.

I don’t know how to Tweet, I don’t understand the etiquette, the language, the genre (?) in fact I don’t understand much about it at all. And I especially don’t like that prickly, unpleasant out of depth feeling that could be called fear. You know the one, where the tummy harbours energetic butterflies resulting in queasiness, the hands sweat and the brain goes blank. Nope, I don’t like that at all.

Rationality prevailed! (...possibly) This is my standard reaction to being out of my depth. It’ll pass sooner or later - best just to forge ahead.

I haven’t lost my marbles (I hope).
So far, I’m using Twitter as a personal reminder about the importance of regular exercise, general well-being, brain health and connecting with others. But in the spirit of giving this a fair go and not being totally self-centred, I aim to share links to information on bullying, mindfulness, well-being, education and brain health. But then again, that might not happen at all. Maybe I’ll hate it, get bored and give it away as the time waster that I labelled it years ago.

For the moment though, I'm diving into the unknown, full of curiosity.

Getting some exercise and looking for interesting things to share:

Searching, searching:

Ta daaa:

cheers
Sue.

Blog break continues.

I'll be back in a couple of weeks as I am unlikely to be have internet connection on the journey home. The plan is to return to Victoria via western NSW. Hope to see you back here then.

South Bank. Brisbane 2011.

Happiness and its Causes - Do you want sugar with that? Part 2

David Gillespie is among many people who believe sugar is an addictive substance and that we should consume significantly less of it than we do. But is it easy to break an addiction when the substance is crammed into most convenience foods which are so readily and enticingly available?

I mentioned here how sugar, MSG and other salts are being added to a greater variety of foods and in grossly larger quantities than ever before in the history of mankind. And we’re paying the price of a fast food lifestyle with obesity, depression, type two diabetes and other damaging and costly health effects.

A number of people have mentioned to me how difficult it is to break the addiction to convenience foods. So, how do you begin to break the vicious cycle?

I'll mention some today, and share information about "The Happiness Diet" later on.

Jan Morrison over at This Crazy Writing Life (here) has been talking about Kaizen – adopting small, achievable steps to change.

In contrast, one of the moderators at the conference talked about removing all sugars from her diet in the space of a week. She suffered horribly the first week, found it really hard for the second week, but after a month she began to feel better than she had for years. It's not something I’d encourage without sound medical reasons. Not only are you going to have withdrawal effects, but your brain will likely panic, have a bit of a hissy fit and retaliate by craving more - just in case it's going to be deprived for ever! That seems to be how it works all too often for most of us, and the result is yo-yo dieting and grumpy mood swings.

I’m more comfortable with the Kaizen path. Instead of munching on a whole Mars bar, choose a smaller one, or leave a bit and keep the rest for later, or throw it away if possible! If you’re used to chewing through a museli bar (they’re packed with sugar, but appear innocent) for morning tea, try eating 2/3 of it and wrap the rest for another time.  Celebrate every mouthful not munched with a loving pat on the back and a verbal "Well done!" It might seem daggy, but it's worth it, and your brain will enjoy the novelty.

Bush turkey finishing off some ice-cream in Noosa QLD.
If it's not good for us, it's not good for other creatures, and should be in the bin.

I've been known to suddenly realise I'm scoffing something sweet, mouthful on mouthful, not really conscious of what I'm doing and suddenly notice what's happening. My choice at that instant is either to swallow or not. I try to remember that even one mouthful not swallowed is worth it. And occasionally if I've chosen to spit out one mouthful, it's easier to put the rest aside.

That's a pretty good feeling. I celebrate with a pat on the back and sharing with someone who cares. My husband and two friends have offered to support and celebrate with me. We don't talk failure, we share the success of a mouthful not eaten, or a smaller portion consumed. Every tiny step is worthy of our attention.

Check out the labels on the foods you habitually consume.
I’d become quite complacent about checking labels and had been encouraged to use low fat yogurt (which I don't like at all) instead of the full milk style I usually enjoy. A house guest was scathing about the low fat version, and said his wife wouldn’t touch it, but had no idea why. When I looked at the label, I found that the unpleasant no fat yogurt had 4 times as much added sugar as the full milk one I usually buy. (Handy chart here) There is a big difference between brands too, so it's worth checking.

In the previous post I mentioned that David Gillespie's goal is to have no more than 2 teaspoons of sugar per meal. Yet in one very small 100 gram serve of yogurt, which it's possible to eat in seconds, you can consume twice that. And you’re not even had a sweetened drink yet.

The above picture is from Choice, and whilst it doesn't specifically focus on sugar, you can see some of the other frequent additives in foods. The article is available here, and makes for interesting reading.

It's best to purchase your foods from the perimeter of the supermarket and do some preparation yourself. For all the clever, manipulative advertising, convenience foods packed with chemicals don't make for a balanced diet, and the massive multinational companies don't have your best interest at heart. Their bottom line is profit, not your well-being.

So, take small achievable steps, and celebrate every gram of sugar not consumed.

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The End Of The World !s Nigh!

Today's post is over at JumpingAground here

Looking for the end of the world. Cape Schanck. Victoria

A-Z Blogging Challenge. Reflections

What a journey, what a month.

Firstly a humungous thankyou to Arlee at Tossing it Out and his very able crew for hosting. It's been a massive job for you all, and I appreciate the time and energy that you've all put into this event.

Congratulations, well done!

What I've learnt:
Most importantly, don't tackle two blogs in the A-Z Blogging challenge without preparation! It wasn't the smartest thing I've ever done. It was utterly exhausting, demanding, draining and I'd never recommend it - ever - to anyone who has an ounce of common sense.

I'd seen the buttons around the blogosphere and wondered what the A-Z challenge was about and thought it looked like fun, so entered my 'for me' blog - jumpingaground - that was all fine and good. Then, on March 31st  I had a rush of blood to my head and decided at that late stage to enter my more formal blog. That's plain crazy!

One entry? No worries.
Drabbles? Fine.
Two entries? Insane!

The alliterative Drabbles were fun to write over at jumpingaground , although I found it hard to turn off once I got on a roll. All stories are based on real people and events except Yolanda and her yellow yacht. Many are environment or climate related, others are to do with learning difficulties.

I suspect the idea of writing about bullying had been floating around in my head, lurking, just waiting for an opportunity like this. The structure worked for me. I think if I'd been left to my own devices I wouldn't have attempted it at all or I would have drifted and dithered, with a bit here and a bit there. A-Z provided the scaffolding I needed to do it in one hit.

My list of A-Z Workplace Bullying posts is here.

Before I started, I had no idea how long each post would take. I spent 1/2 a day getting a vague outline together to make sure I would have something for each letter, realised I had something sort of workable, and plunged in. I hadn't anticipated each post would then take many many hours, revising, rewording, checking for accuracy, editing and adding pictures. Some are a bit long, but that's the way they are.

I'm tenacious. This is not good if you're being bullied. It could be possible to hang on and try to make something work when it's destined not to. But for a blogging challenge it's invaluable!

I'll try to remember never to post a comment when I've had a glass or two of wine. It's not good. Now you know why some of those comments were, erm not so clearly written. 

It would have been difficult to have completed the posts without the support and input from other bloggers. Each and every comment helped me get through. This topic isn't fun or popular or sexy - to read or to write. Your comments were, and still are, welcomed and cherished.

Why tackle workplace bullying?  I hope these posts might be a resource beyond this challenge. I'm horrified at the prevalence of ongoing bullying in workplaces. As a Career Development Professional, my clients tell me what happens in supposedly reputable organisations. The people I work with are honest, ethical, have strong morals and act with integrity. Too many workplaces don't value those attributes, they chew up employees, take everything they can get, then spit out what's left. I felt my addition to exposing some of the tactics used by bullies was a small something I could do to support others and perhaps shed some light on this appalling behaviour.

Knowledge is power. My aim was to share my knowledge in a hopefully easy to read form to empower others.

What I've learnt about others. People are generous. Of course I knew that, but it's been underlined hugely. People have supported me by encouraging others to read the information, they've forwarded the posts on and have commented in a very positive way. That's what I dreamed might happen. Thanks to everyone who has shared and commented.

What have I learnt about blogging?
Success is just a word. Running the two blogs in tandem was fascinating. jumpingaground went from something like 22 followers to 83, but I don't get many drop in visitors or many hits. Keyword search data is wishy washy at best.  But it's fun, and it's for me!

In comparison, traverselife went from about 22 followers to 52, which in comparison is 'unsuccessful'. Keyword searches however, show clearly what people are looking for, and I get significantly more hits daily but less or no comments. I've had quiet, consistent, steady support for the posts from people within and outside the blogging community. That's rewarding. People who've contacted me have given me a huge boost, It really makes this feel like a strong community pulling together, and is a reassuring feeling of connectedness. Thankyou.

East Side Gallery. Berlin. 2009.

For me, the month wasn't fun, but it supported my core values and it has been rewarding doing something I truly believe in. I've done the best I can given that it was unplanned and in a sense done on the fly to conform to the challenge guidelines. I'm pleased with the result, and proud I stuck with it. I wouldn't post like that again for a whole month. It took too much out of me. I need a break.

What do I look for in other blogs?
Meatiness, fun, not self indulgent, interesting, challenging without being derogatory or rude.

What next? 
I might do a follow up with something about schools and bullying, add some more links to some good information. Editing needs to happen....drat..... I want to pose the question "Do you bully yourself?" and look at how we're often meaner to ourselves than is healthy. I'm looking forward to eventually writing about the healing process after being bullied. Looking at how we can create rich, full and meaningful lives is something I've wanted to post about, but haven't yet found a structure that feels right. I also want to revisit assertiveness and How to say "No".

Would I recommend this challenge to others? Definitely!

I've just had some insight when I was making a comment on someone else's blog. I went in to this Challenge asking myself what I could GIVE to others. I wasn't focusing on how many followers or comments I could GET.  Hmmm.....

Lastly, I have a newfound respect for everyone who has written a book. How do you do it and stay sane? Characters who wander off and create mayhem, plots that refuse to co-operate - gosh you guys are impressive!

How to make a hyperlink (clicky) signature here

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