International Students - targets for bullies and sexual predators.

International students can have an extremely difficult time when studying overseas. There are often issues of painful, sometimes debilitating homesickness, insecurity, confusion and loss.

They can feel resented by the local students and may in turn feel resentful. There are challenges in understanding the nuances of lectures presented in rapid-fire English, and local idiom can be a minefield for those who learnt a very formal version of The Queen’s English. There can be difficulties finding part time work and not understanding the local culture, businesses and expectations.

In their home country, the international student can be confident, capable and resilient.  Navigating and adapting to new experiences and cultural mores without the support of their family and friends can result in the student feeling overwhelmed. The initial excitement and anticipation of studying overseas can develop into realising they need extra support.

In comparison, local students can appear confident with their studies and quite relaxed with members of staff. There may be an appearance of easy informality which is at odds with the respect and compliance towards authority figures at home. Apparently casual relationships at work or at their college can make it difficult for the international student to be alert to, and aware of, inappropriate behaviour by a more powerful person.

These challenges can result in some students being vulnerable to being targeted by various types of bullies, but particularly by sexual predators. The student is confused, lost and alone, and a kind, understanding person who appears to be offering support, local knowledge, warmth, friendship and help seems very welcome. 

The goal of sexual predators is to gain the trust of their target in very gradual, apparently safe and inoffensive stages. Every move the predator initially makes may appear normal, but is in fact calculated so that the target becomes increasingly trusting, familiar, comfortable and reliant on the person. If you express doubts or concerns these will be dismissed as worrying too much, being silly, or an over-reaction. Early meetings are designed to calm and allay any suspicion of inappropriate behaviour, but in reality the predator's goal is to manipulate and control.

Signs of inappropriate behaviour
A student or employee shouldn’t meet their manager, teacher or lecturer on the weekend. When you’re lonely, the attraction of going out with someone who “knows the ropes” and offers to take you for coffee and perhaps to an art show could be attractive, however the blurring of boundaries between professional and private life should always be discouraged.

I’ll repeat that, because it’s so important. It is never acceptable for a lecturer, teacher, counsellor or boss to invite you out. There may be meetings where the whole class or team is involved, that's fine. One on one? Never. Interactions between the authority figure and student should always be strictly professional and formal.  

Employees of an organisation should never give you their private business card or encourage you to contact them after hours. There are accepted professional boundaries which have been established for everyone’s safety. Advertising a private business on company time is not allowed. A reputable employee won’t do this.

A teacher or manager shouldn’t touch you and will appologise if this happens unintentionally. There should be professional physical and emotional distance between a person in authority such as teacher and student, or manager and employee.

If you happen to be looking at detailed information on a computer screen this will be arranged so you’re not physically touching. Your knees and hands won’t touch, “accidentally on purpose” and if they do, you won’t be made to feel foolish for complaining or drawing attention to the fact that this is not appropriate. It’s not to be expected, it’s not acceptable and any concern you express should be respected.

If you feel uncomfortable, your discomfort should be taken seriously. You shouldn’t be told you’ve mistaken the intention or have your unease minimised or dismissed. You shouldn't be made to feel confused or be blamed for feeling uncomfortable.  

In an appropriate professional relationship, sexual comments won’t be made, photos of a sexual nature won’t be shown or referred to and there should be no suggestion of being involved in spending time viewing nude art even if that includes attending a reputable art gallery. If this has happened to you, let someone know, perhaps a teacher or co-worker. To clarify, if you’re enrolled in an art class, and the entire group attends an art show as an integral part of the course, that’s acceptable. Being alone with a person in authority or even with one other person in an out of hours situation; no. 

Inappropriate sexual behaviour of this nature is against organisational rules of conduct, and is illegal. Doctors and psychologists can be de-registered if found guilty of misconduct of this nature.

Unfortunately, some counsellors and career counsellors aren't formally registered and choose to disregard accepted standards of professional conduct. 

When you’re lonely and far from home, when you’re unsure of the roles and expectations in your new environment and are comforted by a smiling, reassuring, confident person who makes you feel special, who knows some of your personal details and who offers support and friendship such as coffee and an outing, or visits to shows where there may be nudity, be very wary and concerned. If it appears too good to be true, it probably is too good to be true, and down the line, there could be a distressing cost. 

Sexual predators make friends with people who feel vulnerable, and who don't have a strong support network.  They'll begin by nurturing a relationship which will feel good, reassuring and safe.  Unlike a genuine friendship, the relationship with a predator will slowly change.  You'll start to feel uncomfortable when exposed to inappropriate material and suggestions, and you'll begin to feel emotionally manipulated although his explanations may still appear innocent and plausible. Eventually, there may be overt or subtle blackmail, and your emotions won’t be respected when you try to assert yourself. 

When the boundaries between professional and private life have been blurred by the dominant person, you are unlikely to  have the skills to deal with the experience alone especially if the person is a serial predator. The predator will try to normalise the behaviour and allay your concerns, however there is no excuse for unprofessional conduct and the sooner you seek help, the better.

If you're concerned that you may be the target of a sexual predator at work, at your place of worship or where you're studying, seek help. Talk to other students, teachers, the student union. A discussion with your doctor or a private counsellor who has experience in these issues will be confidential, and there is no shame in seeking help.  Your experiences should be validated and you won't be blamed for what has happened. In many cases, the sexual predator will have a history of similar complaints, possibly going back many years.

The counsellor will give you skills in how to manage the situation and offer ongoing support. If there have been other complaints about a particular person in the organisation, you may be asked for a statement to add to a file of evidence. The best way for these predators to be stopped is to gather evidence from those who've been preyed on. When you talk to someone in authority the pattern of behaviour can be identified over time and action can be taken.

You can feel overwhelmed, alone and crushed by the experience of being targeted by a sexual predator. Seeking help from someone experienced in the area is vital.

...........
David Yamada, who presents excellent information about workplace bullying over at Minding the Workplace, has posted about bullying and sexual harassment of students and cites a study about this resulting in increased alcohol consumption.

There's a bit more on the patterns investigators into bullying and harassment look for here: http://traverselife.blogspot.com.au/2011/04/y-you-can-do-something-if-youre-being.html

Other reasons you might be a target:
http://traverselife.blogspot.com.au/2011/04/w-why-me-personal-and-professional.html.

The serial bully: http://traverselife.blogspot.com.au/2011/04/u-underestimate-unrelenting-workplace.html

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Posted by Sue Travers

Education sucks

At least that's the message being sent by the Australian Government and Opposition to the Aussie taxpayer by cutting $2.3 billion from the sector's budget.  

But University funding cuts sound like a good idea don't they? Everyone knows academics are overpaid and underworked and it's not as if the cuts will affect everyday Aussies is it?

I'll mainly focus on teaching in this post, and what can happen when the best and brightest aren't consistently and actively encouraged to enrol in education courses and aren't supported when they graduate. 

Some teaching graduates, who have taken out a debt to pay their uni fees, are employed on short term contracts or can only get part time work. Those who'd love to leave home and show their independence are unable to do so on these types of contracts, no job security leaves them feeling insecure and vulnerable.  They're unable to feeel confident to sign a lease on a flat let alone think of buying a home. Even worse, they come to see themselves as part time teachers, employed to plug a gap and with no real commitment to a school which appears not to value them. Is knowing that you'll start off your career with a debt and job insecurity, as well as negative public perception, a way to attract excellent candidates into what should argueably be one of the most respected professions? 

In Australia we already have the situation where mature, good, experienced secondary teachers are not having their contracts extended, simply because they're more expensive to employ than a recent graduate. This is one of the things which happens when funding is taken away from the secondary education sector - get rid of the experienced professional to hire the less expensive teacher to enable the school to balance an ever tightening budget. Unfortunately it also leaves schools without a strong, diverse pool of experienced teachers to mentor the recent graduates. 

In universities there's already increasing pressure to find cost savings; this happens by cutting academic jobs, reducing face to face teaching time and course options, and increasing class sizes. We know so much about learning difficulties, brain maturity, how to engage disengaged young people so they feel valued. We understand the ramifications of keeping students in school and working on meaningful and worthwhile projects. We know how society benefits when education works well. Yet education is consistently undermined, not only at university, but throughout all levels. 

The outcome will be that young people from disadvantaged or rural backgrounds are less likely to enter, not only teaching, but other professions as well, if they're not adequately supported and when there is uncertainty surrounding courses and funding. It's not a wise way to attract the best and brightest into any profession. We end up with a less diverse group of professionals across a range of sectors and this does affect us all. Some groups become over represented, others under-represented - this has repercussions in local communities as expectations lower in response to continuing uncertainty and erosion of support.

Yesterday I saw a video showing an articulate, intelligent young man reacting strongly to an apparently lacklustre, lazy teacher. 

I wrote the following on G+ in response to the footage:
"what breaks my heart is that scenarios like this are all too common. It's easy to criticise the teacher (and rightly so sometimes) but we don't support them - its possible to graduate from uni with a huge debt and only get offered part time work or a one year contract. That's not the way to attract the best and brightest. You have to be incredibly passionate about a job to remain keen when you're treated like a temporary and expendable product. Experienced, mature teachers can be passed over in favour of recent graduates who are cheap to employ. The result is what happens in this footage, intelligent, disengaged, pissed off kids and adults in front of them posing as teachers.

...  our kids are our most precious asset and too often we treat them like shit. The government condones and encourages scenarios like this by constantly squeezing the education sector as if it's nothing more than a sausage factory that could be more easily and cheaply be outsourced to the lowest bidder." 

Meanwhile mining companies are being subsidised to the tune of around
$2 BILLION. There are loud wails of distress, outrage and well orchestrated and highly publicised panic, when there's any suggestion of cutting off this obscene level of funding to incredibly wealthy companies where the profits often go offshore. Personally I find this scenario obscene. Our taxes are supporting mining companies, some of which are owned by overseas interests, rather than going to support our own children and the sector which we trust to educate them. 

What is our overall vision for Australia? At present it certainly looks like both the Australian Government and Opposition values supporting multinational companies financially, far more than valuing and promoting the education of our young people.

Photo from East Side Gallery - Berlin 2009

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Book review: "Working with Mean Girls" by Meredith Fuller

 - subtitled "Identifying and protecting yourself from workplace nastiness" (This book is sold in the US with the title Working with Bitches and is available as an ebook)

If you've never worked with a bitch, it's hard to understand the anguish it can bring day after long day, week after long week. It's almost impossible to imagine the impact it can have on every aspect of your life, sleeping can be disrupted while you churn over the day, eating can be problematic and leisure time eroded with the ongoing distress of belittling, malicious and downright nasty behaviour. Frustration, self doubt, anger, confusion and exhaustion are words commonly used to attempt to describe the experience.

"Working with Mean Girls" isn't a pop psychology book. It's solidly grounded in theory, knowledge and the experience of working with a diverse range of clients over many years. Meredith Fuller is a loved and respected Melbourne psychologist who interviewed a wide range of women for the stories selected, to shed light on different kinds of bitchy behaviour.

The stories give a sense of the personal challenges many women face in working with bitches. They are a glimpse into a wide range of unhealthy workplace dynamics - some are harrowing and you wonder how anyone gets away with such appalling behaviour. All the stories are very readable, and I found myself identifying behaviours I'd seen in different workplaces in a new and helpful way.

Meredith has identified 8 types of bitches and has named them for their predominant behaviour:

• the Excluder
• the Insecure
• the Toxic
• the Narcissist
• the Screamer
• the Liar
• the Incompetent
• the Not-a-Bitch

Not only are the behaviours named and clearly identified, but the possible effect of the behaviour on the target is outlined, along with an explanation of why the bitch may behave in a particular way. Equally helpful are realistic suggestions for dealing with the challenging boss or co-worker and practical strategies are presented in a series of 'what to do' lists.

Throughout the book are reminders that not all nasty, mean behaviour is bitchy, even though it may appear that way. There could well be other causes, and in addition there may be a need at some stage for deep self reflection as well.

The second part of the book delves more deeply into psychological issues and I found I needed to concentrate more carefully. The possible role of fear and archetypes are discussed as well as different communication styles: for instance a preference for either using the head (Thinking) or heart (Feeling) can lead to difficulty with communication.

Age related issues are also discussed, with the possibility for difference and misunderstandings explained helpfully.

Whilst "Working with Mean Girls" has been written by a woman, for women who are working with bitches, I'll certainly buy a copy for my son. I believe it'll give him an insight into behaviours that may otherwise have been perplexing or even have gone unnoticed. The sections on communication styles, learning to say no, managing workplace stress, and strategies for deciding whether to stay or leave an unsatisfactory workplace are equally as relevant to him as they are to women in the workforce.

Link here to a short promotional video for "Working with Mean Girls."

If you are dealing with a bitch at work or are the target of workplace bullying it's often helpful to seek professional support. Practicing some of the suggested strategies with an experienced counsellor can assist in getting the confidence to try new behaviours in the work setting or support you as you change direction.

Meredith Fuller - photo by Jordan Head

Disclaimer: Meredith Fuller was one of my psychology lecturers when I was at college some 25+ years ago. She was inspirational, enthusiastic and knowledgeable. We came into contact again a couple of years back when we were facilitating Myers Briggs Type Inventory (MBTI) workshops with university students. Meredith has included some of my workplace experiences in the book, however I receive no freebies or financial gain from book sales.

My personal interest in, and professional experience of supporting targets of workplace bullying and bitchiness goes back many years.  I was honoured to attend the launch of "Working with Mean Girls" on Feb 18, 2012 and am pleased to celebrate Meredith Fuller's hard work and enthusiasm which have led to the publication of this excellent, helpful and readable book.

Meredith with Andrea McNamara (Penguin publisher)
at the book launch Feb 18 2012.

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Workplace bullying – behind closed doors

From the pre-pubescent “Mum, my teacher’s mean” right through to the be-whiskered deep voiced rumble “That creep was shouting in Serena’s face so close she was being sprayed with spittle”, it seems that bullying is rife in the classroom, usually out of view (or conveniently ignored by those in power) and behind closed doors. And who’s going to believe a child anyway and look dispassionately at both sides? The parent finds that even when the most tentative comment is made, the ranks close and hackles rise. “How dare you question my teaching methods?”

This post is for the boys in my family.  I want to let you know that whilst I can’t do anything to ease your pain, hurt and anger, I can help raise awareness and call these mean teachers by the rightful term: bullies.

How proud I was to hear that in the face of relentless verbal taunts you acted responsibly and wisely. When confronted by a bully, we advise that you turn and walk away, get out of their vicinity and don’t respond. You’ll probably be labelled as a difficult child, wilful and disrespectful. But in the face of threat, embarrassment and discomfort, you showed bravery and courage. You left the classroom where you were the target of the teacher bully. I can’t imagine how much you were provoked to feel that was the only action available to you.

You are marking time, surviving at school, but not thriving as you should be. Sometimes school sucks big time.

When the teacher bully targets one or two children, humiliates and belittles them publicly, the rest of the class responds with nervous titters - best to side with the bully than become a target yourself!

What strength it takes not to respond, to pretend to laugh off the humiliating comments. But you see the pain of those who are targeted day after day, week after week, month after month and you don’t know how to help. You stick up for them when you can, but see the injustice and cruelty. You’ve observed how the teacher looks for any behaviour that is out of line, draws attention to it, but never notices or praises the good. He laughs and brings attention to your classmates learning difficulty to his utter shame and bewilderment.

A domino - Berlin 2009.

To confront the teacher bully and tell them to “back off” from verbally abusing another student takes a lot of courage. By golly, I admire you for this. You’ve drawn attention to the bully’s unacceptable behaviour, which he may not take kindly to; from experience you’ll know this method can often backfire and you may become the next target.

How proud I am of you, standing up for the underdog who was being unfairly harangued. To be confronted by a large, dominant and angry teacher is intimidating, frightening, humiliating. It’s an abuse of power and is never acceptable. It never encourages a student to work harder or better or showcase their talent.

I see strong boys, acting with integrity, courage, intelligence and compassion. I’m so proud to be related to you. The teacher bullies you’re confronting appear to be sadly lacking in these qualities. I wonder if they’re threatened by these strengths in you.

To be confined in a classroom where abuse if rife, to be the target, or observe another being harangued, needled, provoked is horribly painful.

You rail against the unfairness, and as parents and family, we can’t always help. We don’t have the answers, and often feel powerless too. Sometimes it sucks being a parent. We don’t always know how to put a stop to teacher bullying - but we see your hurt, anger and frustration and are here to listen whenever you need to unload.

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Workplace communication - "If you REALLY..."

Imagine before you a small child and a parent – the child is exploring notions of power. How much they have of it, where it begins and ends – not that they’d call it that or be aware of it, but for all intents and purposes that’s what it is.

The small child says, possibly with not much hope of success: “If you REALLY loved me, you’d buy me a pony.”

The parent, taken by surprise, wonders if they’re doing a good job of this parenting thing, may feel guilty for working long hours and not giving quality time to their child. Desperately wanting to be loved, the parent may not spare a thought about the pattern that could begin to evolve if they immediately satisfy the request and those that will inevitably follow. (I certainly don't mean to imply that life will be forever fraught if you give a child a gift, mostly things are fine!)

The child, grows into a young teenager and is asked to help with household chores, specifically to hang out the washing. Possibly embarrassed to be seen hanging out her mother’s bras and her father’s jocks, but more importantly having learnt to manipulate by trading on love, says in a plaintive, pleading tone (which she’s learnt tugs at her mothers heartstrings and brings the desired result): “If you REALLY loved me, I wouldn’t have to do chores and could go play with the other girls.”

Fast forward a couple of years. The youngster, now of driving age, and fully conscious of the power he holds, it having been reinforced time and time again, uses the proven technique: “If you REALLY loved me you’d buy me a car.”

Lo and behold, there’s a lovely new (to him) car. But, horror of horrors, one night he comes home late, slightly under the weather, with the car dented and bent. He says to a parent: “If you REALLY loved me, you’d tell the insurance company you were driving, so I’m not penalised.”

Obviously what follows isn’t predetermined. This kind of power hunger certainly won't happen to everyone, but for some people,  they feel alive and strong when they can manipulate others with language. Feeding this type of addiction to power can become an end in itself. If the person is a bully, this can be disastrous for those caught up in the web.

In the workplace:
The words evolve to be more appropriate for the workplace, but the desire to manipulate others and watch how they respond and capitulate remains. “If you REALLY cared about this department you’d: “work unpaid overtime/not agitate for a pay rise/not lodge a complaint about bullying/sexual harassment.” In fact, the manipulation can be in any sphere and cover many different scenarios.

For those of us brought up to be “good” people, to not rock the boat, and to respect authority, this form of psychological game playing can be very hard to resist. Of course you care about your workplace and the department!

How to respond:
The best exchange I witnessed was so simple, so effective that it’s stuck with me for years. The target, (I’ll call her Jenny and come back to her later on) simply responded to the “If you REALLY …” statement with a calm: “That’s an interesting point of view, I’ll take it on board.” And went on with what she had been doing. This was so simple, so effective as to leave the chronically manipulative co-worker temporarily without words. (And between you and me, looking mildly foolish.)

Sadly, what is simple is not necessarily easy.

The difficulty can be to become aware of the pattern of manipulation. It’s helpful to clarify the scenarios where you get “trapped” so you are aware of them. As the Scouts and Guides say “Be prepared”.
The attacker wants and expects a result. Some want you to squirm and justify your actions, others want to waste your time. Some are bullies. Rarely are they interested in a rational, mature discussion.

Harmless fun?
I once had a co-worker; I’ll call him Tom. He was fun and efficient to work with, but had a dreadful habit of baiting another co-worker who I’ll call James. Tom would deliberately bait James with the tried and tested words “If you REALLY cared about the environment you’d get solar panels installed and get all your windows double glazed. “ Tom didn’t do this maliciously, but simply for the sport of seeing James get totally wound in knots trying to justify how his home was heated and cooled.

James would become flustered and go quite red in the face. Tom just sat there dropping in a word here and there, a bit like a fisherman winding in a fish. At the end of the embarrassing experience when James had been unable to justify why his home wasn’t powered with solar cells, and had flounced off, Tom would look at his watch with satisfaction and announce how much time James had spent on this fruitless exchange. This happened time and time again with Tom gleefully keeping a tally of the time wasted.

Some verbal bullies are like ravenous sharks feeding on your  responses.

As an observer, it was hard to know how, or even if, it was possible, to prevent James getting caught. James took the bait, AND the hook, line and sinker. Repeatedly.

Does James care about the environment? Yes, desperately. Does this mean he needs to justify his decisions about solar panels to Tom? No, not at all. Tom isn’t interested in the reasoning and doesn’t want a mature discussion. As I’ve said, he’s initiated the ‘conversation’ for a very different reason.

What could James have done? James consistently gave his attacker Tom, exactly what he wanted and expected. As well as feeding Tom’s feeling of power, by taking the bait, James was agreeing with the implication that he didn’t care about the environment.

How would my friend Jenny who you met earlier have responded? I suspect she would have stuck to her line: “That’s an interesting point, I’ll take it on board.” If James had learnt to say something like this, even after a history of being trapped in an ever tightening circle of half finished, awkward sentences, Tom would have had little room to manouvre.

Some other possible responses could go along the lines of: “Of course I care about the environment, I’ve got some brochures to look at and am comparing solar options.” And then James casually wanders off not waiting for Tom’s reply.

Or perhaps, “Yes, of course I care about the environment, there’s a lecture at the local college next week, would you like the information so you can attend?” Your tone of voice won’t be dripping with sarcasm and it shouldn’t come out as a put down. You are simply, respectfully replying, adult to adult, as if the initial bait was an honest request for information.

Elgin in ‘The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense at Work’ (p118-9) says: “What the verbal abuser wants is the confrontation. The scene. The fight. The row.” She goes on to say that the abuser doesn’t want to be ignored, but “wants your full and undivided attention. The bait itself is trivial to verbal abusers, (and it is) valued only for its potential to provoke you”. “They care about demonstrating that they have power over you and can control your behaviour”.

“Therefore, anytime you take the bait in a verbal attack and participate in the verbal violence loop, you are letting them get away with it.”

If something like this has happened to you on more than one occasion, identify the themes that catch you and rehearse your responses with someone you trust. It might feel awkward to change a pattern, but the benefit will be well worth while.

All the above are true stories in which I've been involved in some way.

You might find the related post "How to say 'No' graciously" interesting. It's here.

Suzette Haden Elgin's web site on Verbal Self Defense is here.
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Recovery from bullying - learning new patterns

If you’re on the healing journey after surviving serial bullying one thing you can be sure of, the road could well be rocky.

You’re possibly feeling vulnerable and nervous about rejoining the workforce. You may be thinking, “If it’s happened before, it can happen again”, you may be annoyed with yourself for being "weak" in not standing up to the bully (there's some information on how we can bully ourselves here), and feel fearful. For some there will have been the workplace bullying AND self bullying – as if one alone wasn’t enough, you’re contending with a double whammy.

Basically you’re a nice person who got stung badly. You’ll remain a nice person but ideally learn a few skills to help prevent it happening again. Your character will remain attractive to the bullies in the world, simply because you have qualities they fear/envy/or whatever their motivation is. (Information about what bullies look for in Why me?)

What I'm offering here is not a one size fits all suggestion, but one tool to add to your toolkit that might be useful in some instances.

One of the things that many people have said to me is that they have an automatic "Yes" that kicks in when they’re being asked to do something at work.

From childhood we’ve been taught to be accommodating, helpful, to defer to those in authority, to be kind and help people out when they ask. We have NOT been taught to be alert for bullying behaviour or even to know what it is.

If you’re unsure what bullying behaviour is, have a look at The Angst and Anguish of workplace bullying (A in the A-Z Challenge) or How to Recognize Bullying Behaviour at Work (B in the A-Z Challenge) It’s good to read widely and be aware of what constitutes bullying.

The following is adapted from a post I wrote back in November last year.

Many of us regularly find ourselves getting overloaded at work and may have fallen into the habit of agreeing to all and sundry requests, even if they go against our better instincts for self-preservation. Sometimes however, the power imbalance between us and the boss is such that we feel pressured into agreeing - it's a subtle kind of bullying, and can have some negative long term ramifications if not nipped in the bud.

One client found herself habitually saying 'yes' to any request her boss put to her, even if it meant missing both morning tea and lunch breaks, and working unpaid overtime and consistent 'graveyard' shifts. Her health was clearly suffering and she was burnt out and miserable by the time she came to me. It had got to the stage where her boss had come to rely on her compliance and the situation needed a gentle shakeup.

Firstly, stop and think.

That's all.

It sounds very simple, but many people find this first step overwhelming. Remember you may have been trained from childhood to be a “nice”, helpful person.  Learning a new pattern of behaviour goes against the grain, and that may bring a sense of discomfort.

Many of us like to feel needed, and being asked to do things can also make us feel important (and there's nothing at all wrong with that - in moderation). In addition, some of us have grown up in cultures that encourage us to put our own needs down, possibly to keep the peace in our family, for religious reasons, and sometimes because one gender is seen to be more powerful (and deserving) than the other.

Some people describe a sinking feeling in the stomach when they pause to assess the situation, and believe they’ll be fired on the spot. It’s ok – pausing may be new and unfamiliar, it gets easier with practice! So, don't be hard on yourself if it's tough to pause before agreeing.

Secondly, ask a few questions. Is it urgent that you drop everything to, for instance, see this client immediately? Will the world fall apart if you use your lunch break to eat and digest your sandwich in peace? Does the patient need urgent assistance that only you can provide causing you to lose your 15 minute afternoon break? Who else is on the scene who could assist?

If you're being asked to take on an additional project unexpectedly it may be appropriate to say "Can I get back to you about that tomorrow morning?" It's a question that comes out as a statement - you may need to rehearse this one.

But please remember, this isn't a 'one size fits all' suggestion, and your response needs to be suitable, thoughtful and respectful, taking into account your personal situation.

Some bosses have developed the knack of catastrophising even the slightest mishap into a drama of world proportions. I worked with a manager like this some years ago, and the department was in a constant state of nervous anticipation waiting for the next 'catastrophe' to fall. It was draining, and led to increased staff 'mental health day' breaks simply to counteract the emotional exhaustion of dealing with the unreasonable and unnecessary demand for immediate action. Need I say, we weren't dealing with life and death situations, but routine, predictable everyday events.

By asking a couple of questions, your boss will quickly see that the pattern is changing. In the best scenarios, this leads to an increased level of professionalism and mutual respect. Interestingly, my clients who've begun using this technique state that their view of themselves begins to change from being a bit of a pushover to more confident and assured. Workplaces haven't fallen into anarchy, and in fact, the workplace culture has often improved.

Thirdly, if the request is reasonable, of course you'll agree graciously. You may choose to drop what you're doing and fulfil the request. In the process however, you'll have regained a sense of control, and a pattern that may have outlived its usefulness will begin to crumble.

If possible, find a trusted person to practice this with. There are times when rehearsing in your head is fine, this isn’t one of them. You need to hear your own voice and find the right words. To begin with, it's awkward and unfamiliar, and hearing yourself saying these new things can be quite unsettling.

There's more on recovering from bullying here.
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Justin Bieber meets Casey Heynes - the target of bullying attacks at school

 

Justin Bieber isn't someone I'd usually associate with  shedding light on the insidious issue of schoolyard bullying.  I'd assumed he was a teenager being manipulated and exploited by greedy entertainment types determined to get what they could from his popularity before he got used up and spat out without ceremony. However, it appears I've been proven wrong and he's highlighted at a concert in Melbourne, Australia that he's prepared to take a very public stand on an issue that has such a damaging negative effect on so many children.

Bieber heard about a boy in Australia, Casey Heynes, who'd been the target of serial bullying at school for far too many years. The bullies had taken a video of one of the episodes, presumable to enjoy later. In the clip, we see Casey being harassed by the bullies, no onlookers supporting him, and he snaps.

Heynes was invited to meet Bieber and appear on stage with him. It's interesting how the tables have turned. The target has received worldwide acclaim, been interviewed and appeared on stage with Justin Bieber. The bullies?  I wonder what has happened with them ...

Bieber later reveals that he had been bullied at school. It is well documented that serial bullying at school  can have a negative impact for life. The target rarely achieves their expected grades, and this can continue for life. As an adult, the person who has been bullied at school can have flashbacks, and doubt their ability to achieve. The brain goes into defensive mode and is simply unable to function as smoothly as it could.

I wouldn't expect Bieber to analyse or articulate the complexities of serial bullying, but I'm so grateful for him using his extremely high profile to highlight the issue. 

Maybe, just maybe those in power in the education system will stop, think and adopt, across the board,  one of the outstanding programmes that educates everyone to be aware of schoolyard bullying, to acknowledge that it is OUR problem. To accept that together we need to tackle bullying, including every person who steps into the schoolyard, from the cleaners, canteen staff, librarians, administrative staff and teachers, but crucially the student bystanders.  We need to teach the Casey's in our communities how to respond effectively and assertively at the first instance of bullying, and to get the onlookers involved to prevent recurrent episodes. 

Right now, I'm eating Humble Pie.  Justin Bieber certainly appears to be much more than I gave him credit for, and with all the bad and sad news this week, month, year, I'm grateful.

Thankyou Corey for sharing this clip with me.

Further information on bullying at school here. For schools, teachers and other interested parties: CASSE (Creating a Safe, Supportive Environment - link here) has an inexpensive conference in May 2011 in Melbourne, link here. Another reputable programme by Twemlow, Sacco and Twemlow here.

X. The 'X' factor - why some people act with integrity and others don't - Workplace bullying

The 'X' factor

Why some people go to ground and others act with strength integrity and support the target.

Those who so stand up to bullies, whether by surviving the assault, as whistle blowers or by adding evidence to the growing file against the serial bully are showing courage, determination and integrity. Their motives are as varied as the people. Some say "It's wrong, I have no choice" others " I'm not  prepared to compromise my own values and watch this wrongdoing, I don't want to, but it's necessary", others "If I don't do something, who will?" and on workplace sexual predators "I want people like this ousted so my daughters never have to put up with this evil".  One client said "Management have allowed this to go on for over ten years. Most people stay a maximum of a couple of months then leave. I'm going to fight it." Some simply want the world to be a better, more harmonious place.

East Side Gallery. Berlin. 2009

Too few onlookers have the courage and strength to stand up against bullying, harassment and corruption. Many otherwise good people turn a blind eye in the presence of an aggressor, particularly a devious, manipulative and possibly charming one. They may feel vulnerable themselves, and are relieved that they have been spared the trauma and are glad they can sit back and watch the unfolding drama. Some may even feel guilty for being complicit in the charade of protecting a serial bully. To speak out may force them to face their own inadequacies.

Understanding of bullying is improving, but too many uninvolved onlookers still state the target should have been stronger and stood up for themselves. I've often heard the phrase: "if you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen", or "that person was so weak they left".

Some colleagues will say "I didn't know what to do" (so they don't do anything) or deny having been present when the bullying occurred. Turning a blind eye is less stressful, and at least it keeps the focus off them. They choose not to see what is happening.

Others will refuse to assist in providing supportive evidence when invited, possibly adding to an "us and them" culture and creating divisions in the department that are may be difficult to heal.  I recently heard the statement: "I was curious to see how the new person would handle x" (x being the department bully) much the same as if this was a bit of a game. This same person enjoyed being an onlooker at school when there were fights, and appeared to get some pleasure from the exchanges.  It reminded me of the descriptions of the Roman Circus where people were fed to the lions in front of thousands of enthusiastic spectators or when watching a hanging was considered a fine form of entertainment.

In instances of sexual predators, some colleagues will try to normalise the bullying attacks as "Oh you must have misunderstood, I'm sure he didn't mean it", or "He's a sad and lonely man, I feel sorry for him"  and by implication you should too. No, a serial bully should be exposed and held to account no matter what prestigious position they hold. Normalising the behaviour encourages the bully to continue unabated and immune from censure. Silence equals consent in the eyes of the bully, and when there is a perceived power differential, they'll use this for their own end, confident that the weaker person will remain silent. Co workers can be a life line for the target.

In environments where the bullying is deeply entrenched, it may be regarded as "normal" behaviour. Where employees have not experienced a genuinely normal work environment, they are conned into believing this is how all workplaces operate. When they eventually leave they express astonishment at how much stress they were under and how they had come to accept the bullying as something that happened in all workplaces.

Unless you have experienced serial bullying yourself, or know someone who has, it may be incomprehensible to understand the level of torment dished out relentlessly and maliciously day after day, month after month. If you're in a workplace where a bully operates, think about what small contribution you could make either to expose the bullying behaviour, or to support the target. Sharing stories, supporting the target, kind words and networking with other like minded people - the smallest effort is so much better than choosing to condone behaviour which is completely unacceptable.

These words on part of the Berlin Wall at the East Side Gallery
are also appropriate in tackling workplace bullying.

Why else do onlookers stand against bullying?

What other support can they give a bullied colleague of friend?

Here tomorrow Y: You. What you can do?

There are many outstanding resources on line. A couple I find useful are Bullying. No way! an Australian resource for teachers and students, and a UK site Bully On Line. eBossWatch on Facebook has links to current articles and discussion. This is in no way an exhaustive list, and each country will no doubt have equally good or more relevant websites. If you're being bullied please seek advice from a professional health care practitioner experienced in this area.

Over at jumpingaground I'm spending the month Drabbling using alliteration.

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R. Responsibility. Workplace bullying.

Responsibility
As a society we all have the responsibility to act responsibly, ethically and courageously to spotlight cases of bullying, particularly where the targets are unable, for whatever reason, to speak out for themselves.

Is it easy to report bullying? * No, it takes courage; you may feel out on a limb, extremely insecure and vulnerable.  However, once you become aware of bullying in your workplace, and choose to turn a blind eye, you are in effect condoning the behaviour in the eyes of the bully and helping to perpetuate it.

Some targets of bullying resort to sharing their story with the media. They feel let down by those in power who they should have been able to trust to act. Many are vilified and are further targeted with disciplinary action.

Sometimes the burden of reporting bullying can be very heavy.

Environment

Children growing up in dysfunctional homes (independent of class and status) need particular care and attention, as do their parents. Vilifying and excluding them is not the answer. We train people to drive cars, but anyone can become a parent, no matter how ill equipped.  Many vulnerable families are left on their own after the birth of a baby to sink or swim. Children die; painfully and tragically when their parents are incapable of tending them. Others are scarred for life, emotionally stunted, and never reach their potential.

Midwives discuss their distress when delivering babies they know will be raised in abusive, dysfunctional homes. They are aware of the abused mothers, the alcohol and drug addicted, those with acquired brain injuries and others with low IQ who have little or no reliable support. The importance of a stable, secure upbringing, particularly in the early years has been well documented.

Who takes responsibility?

Responsible schools
Schools can play an important role in counteracting bullying. There is no excuse for schools not to be proactive. All children need to learn to identify bullying, to understand that the behaviour is inappropriate, and learn better ways of behaving, either as an onlooker, bully or target. Every child has the right to learn in a safe environment. Every teacher has the right to teach in a safe environment.

Most bullies can learn to behave appropriately if taught explicitly, supported carefully and supervised kindly, firmly and without condemnation. They need to learn how to take responsibility for their actions, understand there is no excuse for bullying behaviour and crucially, to learn acceptable ways to manage their inappropriate behaviour.

CASSE's (Creating a Safe, Supportive Environment) approach seeks to understand and address the underlying causes of problem behaviours such as bullying and violence. Their aim is to provide safe and supportive environments in schools so that students can grow, play and learn, which will facilitate the formation of resilience and cognitive development. (from their website)

If governments and schools are unwilling to tackle these issues, teachers, parents and the public may need to exert pressure to have effective programmes adopted in all schools. Further information regarding effective school programmes here.

In Victoria this month (April 2011) legislation was announced to provide jail terms of up to 10 years for workplace bullies. Link here. It's a positive step, but there are many more fundamental steps to be taken before everyone is aware that the behaviour is unacceptable.

Information here relating to bullying which has been ignored at school.  

*Some targets of bullying have very good reasons for not reporting the bullying. Every case is different, and each target and onlooker will respond in line with their own personal situation, and should not be criticised for their choice.

A message of hope. East Side Gallery. Berlin. 2009.

Here tomorrow: Sociopaths and serial bullies


There are many outstanding resources on line. A couple I find useful are Bullying. No way! an Australian resource for teachers and students, and a UK site Bully On Line. This is in no way an exhaustive list, and each country will no doubt have equally good or more relevant websites. If you're being bullied please seek advice from a professional health care practitioner experienced in this area.

Over at jumpingaground I'm spending the month Drabbling using alliteration, many with an environmental theme.
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No thank you

Have you ever experienced that uncomfortable feeling after you've been shopping, and found yourself at home with a LBD (Little Black Dress) or pair of shoes that is clearly ill-fitting or unflattering, and you wonder how on earth you were talked into the purchase? You go through the whole: "What on earth was I thinking?" scenario. But because the shop was off your normal route or interstate or something, you're stuck with the item in question, and it'll probably clog up the wardrobe for years till you get over the guilt of wasting hard earned money and finally put it out for the op shop.

The scenario may have gone something like this - you spy a funky pair of shoes/LBD, and they're on sale! Wheeee. You squeeze your foot in, try to wriggle your toes ... but aren't they cute! Mmmm, they're just a tiny bit tight, and the heel slips a bit when you walk. You're wavering ...

"No worries" says the sales assistant. "Just pop down to Mr Bootman, and he can put them on the stretching machine/fit an insole/ add a buckle".

They'll be perfect :D

(you put up a weak argument, but it feels ineffectual in the face of all that confidence)

It really isn't a problem at all :D

(You try to justify that is could be a problem, but the oozing confidence seems to undermine your conviction - the item is simply gorgeous isn't it - and it might fit one day mightn't it?)

They're just for dress, it's not like they're a running shoe. They'll be just fine, I'll just ring up the sale now?

And before you know it, you've been manipulated into buying a pair of shoes/dress/whatever that need attention BEFORE you can wear them.

Get a grip! Do you really need to spend money to get something that you know isn't right for you?

But what's going on here really?

Sometimes, it's almost as if we're intimidated by the salesperson, and feel the need to justify our decision.

We don't.

Unfortunately, however, some salespeople aren't going to quietly accept your choice, and will put up quite a spirited counterattack. Many have been expertly trained, and are well practiced in spotting a potential sale. Your purchase may be the final one needed for that employee to be awarded Most Skillful Salesperson, and receive assorted benefits.

Your response could feel a bit unnatural at first, and might take a bit of practice to get right. But remember that there is no unwritten law that says you need to give a reason to a salesperson for your decision NOT to purchase an item.

So at the first nanosecond when you doubt that the item in question is right. STOP. Remove garment/shoes from body, and say politely and confidently "No thanks, I won't take them/it".

That's it. Nothing more is needed, no apology, no explanation, no justification.  But not aggressive, that's not necessary.

:D - oh but they/it looks lovely on you

No thanks I don't want them.

:D - they look fabulous/they're the last pair/they're a bargain/the colour is perfect on you/it's so flattering

And ALL you need to repeat is "No thankyou, I don't want them" as you walk politely towards the door.

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A variation on this technique can be used at FastFood outlets when you're asked 'do you want fries/drink/upsizing' with that? Or at the petrol station when you're offered a miniscule discount on fuel if you also buy 4 litres of milk. Or at the bookstore when they offer a 3 for the price of 2. Or any of the places where you're being persuaded to purchase things you neither want nor need.

It's your choice:  choose wisely and thoughtfully.

How to say "No" graciously

How hard is it to say "no" to your boss or supervisor?

No matter how overloaded you may be, often the automatic "yes" kicks in, often while our brain shrieks at us "say NO for goodness sake, please SAY NO".

Those of us who regularly find ourselves getting overloaded, may have fallen into the habit of agreeing to all and sundry requests, even if they go against our better instincts for self preservation. Sometimes however, the perceived power imbalance between us and the boss is such that we feel pressured into agreeing - it's a subtle kind of bullying, and can have some negative long term ramifications. (but that's another blog entirely)

This particular post is more for those times when we kick ourselves after agreeing - when there was a choice, if only we'd been able to just stop our mouth opening and the 'yes' sneaking out.

One client found herself habitually saying 'yes' to any request her boss put to her, even if it meant missing both morning tea and lunch breaks, and working unpaid overtime and consistent 'graveyard' shifts. Her health was clearly suffering and she was burnt out and miserable by the time she came to me. It had got to the stage where her boss had come to rely on her compliance and the situation needed a bit of a shakeup.

Firstly, stop and think. That's all. It sounds very simple, but you might find just this step a bit of a challenge at first. Try it even though it may go against the grain, it's extremely empowering.

What you're doing is breaking what may be a lifetime habit of being the 'nice person'. After all, it's good to feel needed, and being asked to do things can also make us feel important (and there's nothing at all wrong with that - in moderation).  In addition, many of us have grown up in cultures that encourage us to put our own needs down, possibly to keep the peace in our family, for religious reasons, and sometimes because one gender is seen to be more powerful (and deserving) than the other.

So, don't be hard on yourself if it's tough simply to pause before agreeing, you could be beginning to break a lifetime habit just by pausing and thinking.

Secondly, ask a few questions. Is it urgent that you drop everything to, for instance, see this client immediately? Will the world fall apart if you finish your sandwich? Does the patient need urgent assistance that only you can provide? Who else is on the scene who could assist?

Sometimes it's appropriate to even ask "Can I get back to you about that tomorrow morning?" or something similar.


But please remember, this isn't a 'one size fits all' suggestion, and needs to be a suitable, thoughtful and respectful response for your personal situation.

Some bosses have developed the knack of promoting even the slightest mishap into a drama of world proportions. I worked with a manager like this some years ago, and the department was in a constant state of nervous anticipation waiting for the next 'catastrophe' to fall. It was draining, and led to increased staff  'mental health day' breaks simply to counteract the emotional exhaustion of dealing with the unreasonable and unnecessary demand for immediate action. Need I say, we generally weren't dealing with life and death situations, but routine, predictable everyday events.

By asking a couple of questions, your boss will quickly see that the pattern is changing. In the best scenarios, this leads to an increased level of professionalism and mutual respect. Interestingly, my clients who've begun using this technique state that their view of themselves begins to change from being a bit of a pushover to more confident and assured. Workplaces haven't fallen into anarchy, and in fact, the workplace tone has often improved.

Thirdly, if the request is reasonable, of course you'll agree graciously. You may choose to drop what you're doing and rush to fulfil the request. In the process however, you'll have regained a sense of self confident control; and a pattern that may have outlived its usefulness will begin to crumble.