Monday, June 2, 2014

Ocker Aussies respond to the 2014 LNP budget, in pictures and words.

If you’re confused about what's happening in Australian politics look no further, here's the Strine lowdown which was shared with me by my true blue, dinky-di, Aussie mates, Shazza, Daz and Bruce. 

Underneath their coarse exteriors and everyday Ocker language, (don't mistake this for a lack of intelligence by the way!) lurk hearts of gold and an ability to see through bullshit. They're seriously pissed about the budget, and it was a bit of a spray at first, but I asked them to tone down the colourful, some might say "ripe" language, to make it more or less decent for anyone to read, though some of the terminology might still be a bit of a head-scratcher. 

In their own words:
That'd be emu poo.
Bruce: A lot of Aussies are pretty narky cos the pm and his pollie mates have been telling porkies. They promised everything would be grouse with them in power, now they're jabbering about the country being knackered and saying we're all going to buggery. The LNP are looking after their Bondi mates but everyone else is on their Pat Malone. They're acting like a pack of drongoes. 
Grouse resource:
Pie floater
All the poor buggers are expected to do the hard yakka. The mums, dads and kiddies are doing it tough, and all the pollies are saying is, Bully for you, I'm all right Jack. Things'll be so tight, the ankle biters won't even be able to buy a sanga or pie at the tuck shop any more, and they can forget the snag and dead horse at Bunnings on a Saturday arvo before they go to the footy. Strike me dead, life's hard enough without more taxes and having so many school and health supports axed. No wonder people are snarky.

You'd reckon they'd want to look after the cow cockies but noooo they're cactus too. Mining's the be all and end all in Straya and they get packets of handouts, but the farmers are expected to lay low while toffs and foreigners fossick for minerals and generally buggerup the land. The age of entitlement's not over for the multinationals! What sort of moron would think that idea's hunky-dory - lookin after those rich bastards instead of us lot?
Normal, everyday people protesting.
Daz: Old geezers are gonna have to work till they’ve got one foot in the grave - no pension for them. Been doing heavy lifting all their lives, but that's not enough for this shonky mob. This mob, this mob sponge off all the blokes and sheilas – it’s a bloody disgrace, we’re the ones really doing the “heavy lifting”, those bludgers in Canberra wouldn’t know a hard day’s work if they fell over it! They’re too busy fleecing the real workers. Who's behind it all that's what I wanna know. I thought IPA was a kind of beer, not a bunch of mongrels trying to shaft the lot of us.
Old farts being asked to do the "heavy lifting"

Shazza: And students, what about the bloody students. We slag off at them, but really, we’re proud. 

Smart people Aussies. Smart students end up working at smart places like siro (CSIRO). Good stuff that. Well they did until the budget cuts and the pollies giving our scientists the flick(Shazza rolls her eyes and twirls her pointer finger around her right temple) We've got lots of beaut inventions: the Hills Hoist, widgets for all sorts of smarty-pants things, motor mowers, vaccines, wifi, the frig, bionic ear, and the goon box! Bloody rippers! None of them were designed by a bloody no hoper politician. 
Bushfire aftermath.

And don't get me started on climate change. Mortein and flies - that's how fast science jobs have carked it there. You'd think the galahs'd want to be prepared and support the fireys n all. Y'know the people who actually do the heavy lifting. I was gobsmacked when the twits said they'd rather listen to a bunch of (censored) rather than the dinky-di deal. Educating people to learn how to cope n prepare for climate change? Nah not this mob. Stone the flamin crows! Talk about cockeyed. Me bogan mate from Dannenong, Blind Freddie can see what's happening clearer'n these yobbos.
Peeved, everyday Aussies, protesting.
No wuckinfurries they said. Promised jobs, n now they're firin people left right and centre an then blaming 'em for bein unemployed. Makes ya wanna take em outside n show em your knuckles. Lying mongrels. Bent as. If I'd of lied like that, me mum'd've had me guts for garters. True dinks. If they reckon Seppoland is so bloody great don't bloody import it, go live there n stop stuffin up Straya. Bloody hell. The Yanks'v stuffed up their own country and now they want to get a gurnsey in here! K'noath.

Whether you're ropeable or spewin, doesn't matter. We're stuffed. Not sure if rabbott's the full quid though, lotsa people're saying he’s a few tinnies short of a six pack. Whadaya reckon was going on when smokinJoe was burbling on, presenting the budget? Mozart n List? Bloody budget. It’s really on the nose. More spin n less substance than a midnight drag race in Doveton.
Who's smoking what?

Daz: Strike a light, you’d have to be a real wacko to think the punters’d take that codswallop lying down! Lotsa blokes and sheilas are mad as a blue arsed fly.  Shazza reckons she’s going to chuck a wobbly then get shitfaced, she’ll barely be able to afford a goonbag of red while they’re off guzzling Frog champers like it’s going out of style. No dodgy plonk for them. Mongrels.
Ambos protesting

N in Victoria the bookies'll soon be taking odds on how long it'll be till protesters get nicked by the rozzers. Bad form to protest! Hah! Good on em I say. 

Shazza: Yeah, n so much for the 8 hour day. Strewth! Straya led the world for a fair day's work for a fair day's pay. Ya reckon that happens now? Pull the other one, it's got bells on. Working conditions are going backwards faster than a pollie's putrid promise. 

Sharing the load?! Pigs arse.
These mongrels’ve got their heads so far up their arses they can't breathe. They reckon they’ve got everyone by the short and curlies - just between younme they’ve got tickets on themselves. Bloody Pitt Street pirates. Bunch of wackers the lot of them. The budget’s smellier than a dead dingoes donger or a pigs putrid arse. Fair? Give me a break! Get a load of that bull. 
What a load of cobblers. Lots of people thought they were taking a lend with the leaks n all, but fair dinkum, they’re a bunch of pricks. Gobsmacked! We’ve been had. It’s bonzer for them and their mates, all la de da, swanking around in their Armani this and Gucci that and their snazzy beemers. Not even decent bloody Aussie clobber. We get left the dregs and havta make do with a clapped out ute.

Bruce: Some of Dazza's relos want rabbott to rack off back to where he came from cos we really got served the raw prawn with this bunch of galahs. They've got a cockeyed view of the world and a lot of people are feeling pretty crook with the load of old crock the morons are dishing up. It's cruddy. These blokes are cunning as a shit-house rat, they've got themselves into a nice possie and everyone else is mad as the proverbial cut snake. 
No snakes were cut for this post.
Ya really need a strong cuppa after listening to their pork pies. Or maybe get pissed as a parrot. Hockey's been giving us an earbashing about "sharing the heavy lifting", but fair crack of the whip, he can't be fair dinkum! They look like they're fart arsing around, not knowing what they're on about - they're full of it and smell worse than a fart in an elevator. If you think they all need to get checked out by the shrinks at the funny farm you're not on your lonesome. 

N if you've got a soft spot for the reefnstuff yez might wanna get on the blower or email, n give em a bit of a serve. What's going on there is a real bummer.
They're gutting our country.
Daz: So if any of your cobbers are planning to scarper over the ditch to hang out with the kiwis, n get away from all the crapola remind them to get out there and protest first. 

If your mates n you are feeling a bit hot under the collar, turn off the idiot box and stop reading what the dimwit journos are prattling on about; they're just trying to lead you up the garden path. Talk about getting the info arse-about. Even that Greens sheila and her lot r makin more sense than them. There mightn't be any flies on 'em, but you can see where they've been, lazy bunch of (censored) - looks like they're a bit light on in the brain box department and forgot to connect the wetware. N they're meant to be educated! Faaaar out.

Put your money (what’s left of it) where your mouth is and let the mongrels know what you think of them. Don't worry about those grammar snobs, we're as good as them any day! Give em a bit of a spray, but keep it clean. Tart it up a bit and let them know you're a true blue Aussie who believes in a fair go for everyone.

Shazza: And while you’re at it, remember - whenever you hear someone telling a porkie remind them that you won't have a bar of it. Tell 'em to lift their game and remind 'em they’re doing a nabbott and you can see though the sham.
Are you looking after me or is my home going to be another coal mine?

More information:

Who is the IPA and what do they have to do with Australian politics anyway:

Abbott's broken promises: One of many posts.

Budget Reply Speeches:
Clive Palmer's Budget Reply Speech - (PUP)
This is Clive Palmer like you've probably never seen before. It's well worth watching for a clear overview of the budget and the manufactured emergency.

Christine Milne's budget reply speech. (Greens) (embed)
Another good speech. Clear, well structured, informative. 

Bill Shorten's budget reply speech (Labour)

An analysis of the budget by a linguist:

What is our vision for Australia?

People cost too much:

How the poor will be hit harder than the rich:

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